vestmoria

this is a continuation to my post 'where do you draw the line if you ponder quitting a job?'

manager is now 'helping' me find a position elsewhere, but I believe she dislikes me so much she wants me gone asap. Her friends have turned to silent treatment mode. Each day, she asks me if I've interviewed already. It's like she wants me to have a new job lined up before Christmas already.

it's starting to sink in that she doesn't want me, but I'm not so sure I want to quit:

I know it doesn't make any sense. As said, I dislike 30% of my coworkers and if I've already told management with my union representative present that as soon as I find something else I quit, I should be consequent and do that. I dislike getting up at 4:30 to get to work at 06:00, yet this is the kind of life I know, the routines I've grown to be used to, this gives me a feeling of security, even though I come here so often to rant and complain about my job and my coworkers.

Can you believe I'm thinking about politely asking this manager if we can work things out? I must really be bipolar.

I don't understand why I'm so incoherent. I'm the drama queen now.

I feel like a child who postured and lost.

Every crisis is an opportunity, people say, but even though I should think like this and boldly leave, I'm scared that my new position will be as bad or worse than the old one, the same drama, the same backstabbing and playing favorites. It would be really tiring to get out of the frying pan to get into the fire.

And, should I change?

I'm 38 years old, single, not interested in starting a family (my mother was a drama queen and I couldn't live that again with a partner or a child), don't own any property, not really a consumerist person, I max my 401k and save 70% of my net income because most of the stuff society tells me to buy is irrelevant to me (I still own clothes I bought 20 years ago and they still fit me), don't need a car and use a bike or public transportation, I prefer to cook at home because it's cheaper and I can choose what I cook. I stopped drinking alcohol 10 years ago. I'm definitively not an extrovert.

I majored in philosophy because I liked it and I still do, but never found a job with my major. I tried being a high school teacher, but teenagers are way too much for me. Nursing, what I do now, is a versatile and safer job, even if I think it's slowly killing me.

I feel cheated in life.

For 15 years I lived paycheck to paycheck paying off my debt, often having to move due to increased rent so this might be my way of coping with trauma. I still feel I'm way behind most people my age. I feel like a loser because I imagine them knowing better than me what they want in life.

It's true that comparison is the thief of joy, but I cannot stop ruminating about this.

If you read my post history you'll realize I don't really care about my job, but stay because I need a paycheck and I like having a big rainy day fund. If I was a millionaire, I'd stop working. I don't like any job.

It might be true that I'm autistic, because close human connections where never that important to me and most people I work with are not close to me, but as I'm nearing 40 I'm starting to think if my destiny is going to be to live and die alone in a nursing home. Sometimes this scares me, but I always go back to my apathetic, indifferent self, like I'm on some kind of drug that makes me not feel anything, neither good or bad, like my emotional brain is underdeveloped.

What I don't want to be is this desperate loner craving for any kind of human attention turning to post his whole life online hoping a good Samaritan comes and saves me. First because it's pathetic and secondly because that's never a good foundation to build a friendship, I'd be inviting a predator, another crazy loner, a newborn Christian to save me with god, somebody trying to scam me with a MLM scheme or an antivaxer into my life. And I'm not a 20 year old discovering the world, I'm almost 40.

Every woman I've been attracted to has ignored me and every woman that showed an interest in me wasn't good enough to me: she could be eager to make a connection, put an interest, even pretty and genuine but I cannot fake being in love or feeling attraction. I always ended up considering them as friends or acquaintances. I'm too old and too introverted (autistic?) to visit a club and try to impress a woman to go out with me.

I don't think this is depression, depression would be me not going to work not even calling in sick.

It seems clear I need a friend, but I don't know how to make friends anymore. I focused so much on surviving that I stopped caring about anyone else.

I'm very confused about quitting my current position as a nurse. This is not a typical one man job, but you need a team. I'm pondering staying for some members of the team:

I get along with 40% of the staff, 30% of staff are absolute slackers who master the social game and get away doing way less than the rest and go smoking with my manager, who enjoys and needs the attention. I'm indifferent to the other 30%, who also work well.

I know I may not sound like a reliable narrator, it's just that I don't want to get anywhere near this 30% of lazy, childish, gossip staff.

I had a meeting with management with my union representative present. Long story short, I told management as soon as I find a new job within the same hospital system, I'd stop working at my current unit with my manager. She forgives the ones she likes and treats me differently, I'm not likable and being forced to give attention to people I'm indifferent to is very tiring. I'm there to work, she seems to expect I give her attention and stop doing my job to ask about her weekend. Not gonna happen.

Day 1 post meeting: manager and all her friends ignore me, go somewhere else when I enter the room.

Day 3 post meeting: friendly call from manager asking if I can come in on a free day, cause somebody called in sick.

Every other interaction with my manager since day 3 has been friendly, which is something new.

I have no problem working with people who understand they're at a workplace to work, because we all need the money and want to go home afterwards, it's the lazy ones that sit, talk and then expect me to do their job the ones I hate with a burning passion.

Since the meeting I've decided to use my current unit to learn as much as I can before I (possibly?) leave. Not because I suddenly feel this is a calling, but because the more I know about my field, the easier is gonna be to find a new job, either within my system or in a new one. I've also discovered I like explaining patients what happens to their bodies after their operation and how medicines work.

But I don't dislike the whole unit, I just want to keep my manager at a distance and don't work with that 30% of slackers.

It's wearing me down.

Due to reasons I'm a nurse.

Possibly not the best choice for an introvert who wants to work and go home, but it is what it is.

I had a conversation with management and they told me I don't open up, which is fair and true and told me to be more empathetic with my coworkers.

Except that I can't and I don't care about most of them. As said, I just want to work and go home. I consider most of them childish, gossipy and immature. Of course I didn't tell management this.

I told them an extrovert is not who I am, if you force me to open up, I cannot disconnect during my pause and I'm going to work worse. I like doing my pause only when I've done my job whereas my other coworkers do their pause sooner, no matter if patients are cared for, which I don't understand but whatever. Some people including my manager think I do that to avoid them. No, I just want to do my job before I relax. And I relax alone.

They believe this is a choice. When my coworkers talk and talk, they overload me and I just want to work and go home.

I'm constantly misunderstood. My job shouldn't be to give attention to my coworkers or to management, yet here I am.

I'm applying for jobs elsewhere but I'm afraid I'm going to have this problem wherever I go, simply because most people in nursing are gossips and enjoy attention. This is what I fear the most, having to constantly change workplaces due to perceived slights and office theatrics I don't want to play and I'm so not good at playing.

Masking up and creating a workplace bubbly persona would destroy my mental health. Too much overload.

I'm not in a position where I can study something else, cause nothing interests me that much and I need money now.

Ideally I'd find a workplace that respects who I am without incurring a heavy financial penalty, but don't know what nursing option would give me that.

What I also don't want to do is to create a job interview persona, because sooner or later the real me will surface, a person extroverts don't want to work with. I'd like to go to a job interview telling them exactly this, that I'm not there to socialize but to work and go home and that I want to do my job but this doesn't mean I'm letting them exploit me (giving me a bigger workload than to other nurses for example).

I want to come clean to any future employer about this. Should I?

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/1769411

and, are there specialties that require more dedication than others?

I live on the 14th floor of a 30 story apartment building and so far, I've been bleeding my radiators myself.

This usually worked and after bleeding I had a fully functioning radiator, 100% filled with water.

However, last time I tried bleeding, it would only fill up to 25% of its volume, it's like there's no pressure in the circuit.

Am I doing something wrong?

I'm a nurse and oversaw a doctor checking his bank statements: his salary is a bit more than twice what I earn.

This is not a particularly productive doctor, if you listen to several doctors and nurses where I work at. Just today I overheard a group of 3 female doctors ranting about him and how all he does is sitting and playing with his phone, always redirecting us nurses to talk to the other doctors. I was surprised, because I never expected to find so much drama between doctors, them being much more educated than nurses and I never expected doctors, specially female doctors, to use that kind of language.

This lazy doctor earns more than double my salary. It's depressing.

But I also feel like a loser, because even those ranting doctors earn more than twice what I do... and they get to sit for longer than I do.

Regretting my life choices.

Maybe the sane choice here would be to study or to get a certification that means a higher salary?

is it poorer? richer? better? worse? Is European internet cheaper? are EU food prices outrageous? Is European healthcare better? Is Europe safer?

I'm a unionized nurse and basically I'm on an unenforceable PIP because management simply wrote what I, according to them, do wrong and gave me the filled form, but without conducting an interview with me, the union wasn't contacted and they even didn't ask me to sign it. Union already told me this is not enforceable.

There are union representatives and union representatives: the one who feels a job is a job told me to calm down and keep applying for jobs elsewhere if I so decide, not asking for a 2 month 'reprieve' to be better at a job most days I don't want to do anymore (working bedside with difficult patients).

The other union representative who still considers nursing a calling but works with compliant patients (pediatrics), told me the hospital can fire me if I don't ask for a meeting with management to ask how I can be better and that only after being better I should apply for jobs elsewhere (which I call BS).

I'm still undecided about how to play this, but I sure want to quit bedside. If playing theatrics and pretending I have an interest in becoming a person they consider a better nurse helps me quit this job, even if the PIP is unenforceable, I'm playing this game.

Except that my first impulse to the question if I like my job would be a 5 minute rant about non compliant patients, stupid family members working against you, people calling for you to refill their water when they can walk, being blamed for things I cannot control, bad ratios, having to get up at 04:00 to get to work, having to work nights, listening to my coworkers talk about their holidays in the middle of report, drama...

So, how do I become a better liar to the tune of: I want to keep working here, I like what I do, I like seeing patients leave healthy and independent to live their lives... until I find a job I like more?

I have a problem with establishing boundaries.

I'm a private person. That's very often misinterpreted as being arrogant and feeling superior to others. I'm not, I just wish to be left alone, but people still feel disrespected and it's tiring to be constantly explaining yourself. And I don't understand why I have to explain myself constantly.

This very emotional and thankful patient wanted a picture with me and I stupidly agreed. He also wanted my phone number (I gave him a false one) to invite me to have lunch, as he celebrated his 70th birthday. I don't believe it was sexual or romantic, because he is married, his wife was there when he extended the invitation and took the picture and he also wanted to invite the whole unit.

I acted like this because it was the easiest way to get him to leave the hospital and free the room but also because I didn't want to cause a scene.

What could I do next time?

To avoid wasting meat I've been doing this for years. So far it has worked and now I wonder about the science behind it:

If for whatever reason I end up with a piece of raw meat that starts smelling a bit strong I cut the piece into small chunks, press the chunks to remove as much liquid as possible, put the meat in a pan, cover the meat with water, let the pan uncovered, boil it and wait till the water completely evaporates. At this point, meat looks brownish or darker depending on the meat I use and it doesn't smell as strong. I cook it then as I see fit.

I believe by boiling the meat, convection currents take (at least?) some of the bacteria away and this is a safe way not to waste meat. Is this right? Meat always smells better after 'washing' it this way.

I eat cheese every day, mostly because it's cheap and easy to eat with a toast.

Wondering if changing my regular dairy and cheese for low fat versions would be enough.