this post was submitted on 23 Jan 2025
461 points (98.7% liked)

Not The Onion

12880 readers
1241 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 
(page 2) 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 9 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

10k just be be able to jerk it 3 times? This guy is a loser. I'll jerk it all day for free. He can't charge me a fee

[–] [email protected] -3 points 6 hours ago (1 children)

"In a statement to WLBT News, Blackmon wrote, “All across the country, especially here in Mississippi, the vast majority of bills relating to contraception and/or abortion focus on the woman’s role when men are fifty percent of the equation.

This bill highlights that fact and brings the man’s role into the conversation. People can get up in arms and call it absurd but I can’t say that bothers me.”

Did you miss this?

[–] [email protected] -1 points 4 hours ago (4 children)

Banning masturbation will not stop abortion lol

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] [email protected] 9 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

(4) This section shall not apply to the discharge of genetic material: ... ( b ) Discharged with the use of a contraceptive or contraceptive method intended to prevent fertilization of an embryo.

So basically it's illegal to do so without the intent to fertilize an embryo... unless doing it as part of a contraceptive method? Isn't abstinence - e.g. not having sex - a legitimate method?.... wouldn't masturbation be a way to manage abstinence?

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 3 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

I kept looking for the Onion link and never found it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 6 hours ago (1 children)

You should read the actual article then as you will be surprised to discover what this guy's actual goals are.

[–] [email protected] -2 points 5 hours ago (1 children)

I did read the article. While I understand he's trying to even out the responsibility for pregnancy, I'm at a loss to understand how this will legitimately help in any way.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 hours ago

Makes sense. They're all a bunch of dicks.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

(a) Donated or sold to a facility for the purpose of future procedures to fertilize an embryo;

This means it's legal to pull out and fill a jar to donate to such a facility.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 11 hours ago (1 children)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 16 points 17 hours ago* (last edited 17 hours ago) (4 children)

🤣
SECTION 1.
(1) This section shall be known and may be cited as the "Contraception Begins at Erection Act."

(2) It shall be unlawful for a person to discharge genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo.

(3) Upon conviction of a violation of this section, a person shall be fined:
( a ) One Thousand Dollars ($1000.00) for a first offense;
( b ) Five Thousand Dollars ($5000.00) for a second offense; and
( c ) Ten Thousand Dollars ($10,000.00) for a third or subsequent offense.

(4) This section shall not apply to the discharge of genetic material:
( a ) Donated or sold to a facility for the purpose of future procedures to fertilize an embryo; and
( b ) Discharged with the use of a contraceptive or contraceptive method intended to prevent fertilization of an embryo.

SECTION 2.
This act shall take effect and be in force from and after July 1, 2025

[–] [email protected] 7 points 12 hours ago

Shit, I vomited without intent to fertilize an embryo

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 hours ago

"In a statement to WLBT News, Blackmon wrote, “All across the country, especially here in Mississippi, the vast majority of bills relating to contraception and/or abortion focus on the woman’s role when men are fifty percent of the equation.

This bill highlights that fact and brings the man’s role into the conversation. People can get up in arms and call it absurd but I can’t say that bothers me.”

[–] [email protected] 5 points 17 hours ago (3 children)

I know its Mississippi but this guy has to realize this targets women with a bias. Men: "Don't masturbate or have sex for fun!"... Damn that sucks.. Women: "Don't masturbate or have sex for fun!.. oh and don't ever release an egg again". Wait I cant exist as a woman pre menopausal? Nope

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 hours ago (2 children)

Does no one read the article? He literally did this because it shifts the focus from the woman's role in abortion to men's

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 3 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago) (1 children)

Unfortunately, since their joke is badly written, it might be interpreted has you said. Yet, please notice, with the title of this law ( “Contraception Begins at Erection Act” ) that it ~~is targeting~~ was supposed to target men.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago) (1 children)

Both the clitoris and the nipples can become erect. (I know it's a joke but I can help but smile thinking of an erect clitoris) Lol

[–] [email protected] 2 points 16 hours ago

Yes it's fun to look at this joke in different ways and to think of how it could be written in much better ways.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 13 hours ago

That and I would worry that if people took it too seriously, it could lead to a lot more rape.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 117 points 1 day ago (1 children)

If the Democrats aren't going to be useful, I'm glad they've at least decided to be a little funny.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 19 hours ago

It's a race to the bottom now. And the Republicans have a huge head start. Dems are nosediving to catch up.

[–] [email protected] 137 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (5 children)

To highlight how absolutely stupid this bill is, it sounds like it would outlaw menstruation and nocturnal emissions.

Land of the free.

Edit: it sounds like this is intentionally facetious to point out the absurdity of other pro-life bills.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 hours ago (2 children)

It's really telling how much the Overton window in the US has shifted that you thought this was sincere to start with.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 hours ago

TBH it's more that I have a naive work ethic and assume someone performing such a serious and impactful job would only do so sincerely, but I agree.

[–] [email protected] -2 points 6 hours ago

Nah, it ahows you how fast people are to comment without reading the article.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 12 hours ago

Menstruation is already outlawed if out includes an unimplanted but fertilized egg.

It's just very hard to prove.

[–] [email protected] 65 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (3 children)

I would love to outlaw menstruation too but my fucking body won't listen to me

[–] [email protected] 14 points 22 hours ago

Careful, that post could be used against you in the court of law!

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 44 points 1 day ago

Yes, correct, it is as absurd as pro-life ideas.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 39 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

Sure, some may say it’s absurd, but masturbation inspector is a good paying, high quality American job that cannot be exported overseas, and not a job I’d trust to AI.

That state senator is a visionary!

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 3 points 15 hours ago

This will only effect incel wet dreams

[–] [email protected] 9 points 19 hours ago (3 children)

LMAO. are they seroius?!!!!!!!

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 hours ago

Read the article and find out.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 19 hours ago (1 children)

Doesn't look serious, but it is funny!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 hours ago

I love that an actual person wasted their time writing this and bringing it up with their colleagues lol

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 55 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (3 children)

I didn't see the party of the politician in the article, so no idea if it is written in jest or just regular old Republican whackiness.

The most entertaining part is that it is written as applying to men, but as written it is gender neutral and would penalize menstruation.

Edit: It is a Dem having a lark.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 16 hours ago

You can vote against a bill you introduce. Look at Moscow Mitch.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 day ago (1 children)

so it's looking to ban masturbation in mississippi.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 day ago

Nah, edging is still legal

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 day ago

This is taking No Nut November to a whole new level

load more comments
view more: ‹ prev next ›