I could never love someone that goes to jazz festivals.
this post was submitted on 03 Dec 2024
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From your post, I can't quite decide what worries you most about this relationship... I've written and rewritten this comment multiple times because of that.
The usual concern with such an age gap would be that he might take advantage of her and her lack of experience. That's a valid concern that should be addressed. But It doesn't seem to be what's bothering you.
With you starting your post by telling us about his ex who is completely irrelevant to this story and your relationship with her, then later list off how great your son is and that "it’s not like he’s lacking options"... I can't shake the feeling that your problem is more with him having a partner that could be considered "below his own status". It feels like you would react just the same if he dated someone closer to his age but not as successful or good-looking. And to that I must say, that's none of your business. Let your son love whoever he wants to love. Let him make his own decisions and when it comes to it, his own mistakes. They obviously share some interests and he's old enough to decide if she's "good enough" for him.
Yes, that’s my concern - the girl being hurt. The part about his ex was to highlight that he doesn’t have a track record of dating younger girls or unstable, toxic, abusive relationships. The part about him not lacking options was to highlight that I don’t understand what’d logically get him to do this; since most men who date young girls do it because they can’t get someone their own age and are looking for someone who can be easily manipulated. Has nothing to do with the girl “not being good enough for him”. Hope this clarified it.
Well, have you tried asking him why he picked her? Note my choice of words here. Specifically don't ask him why he didn't pick someone else but what he likes about her. My personal guesses (!) are: they share an interest in jazz music, they had a good time together at the festival and she doesn't expect him to act like society imagines "an adult": she lets him make up for something he missed when he was younger.
About her being hurt: he's your son, you know him better than we do. Do you think he's the kind of guy who would do that? If not, look out for signs that it might actually be happening instead of relying on your expectations. Stay in contact with her parents. At the same time, make sure she's comfortable talking to you. That way you will know if something happens. But please don't accuse either of them of something that isn't actually happening.
What the f do you mean by 'what'd logically get him to do this'. Why are you saying it like he specifically went into high schools looking for young girls to date? Is that what happened? I dont think so. People meet people and fall in love. Should he reject her just because you have prejudices against age gaps?
The amount of people defending this is weird, 16 is way too young. That being said, there isn't much you can do as his parent. Even if you do manage to break them up, he will always blame you and think of the "what ifs".
Oh, don't get me wrong. It is a bit weird and concerning. But weird and concerning alone are not enough to stop something that's legal and at least for now seems to work pretty well. And like you said, not much they can do about it. The best course of action is to deal with it, be as accepting and supportive as they can and be prepared to help if things do go wrong. Everything else will make things worse.
This is creepy af. Someone in their 20s has a different mindset than someone in high school.
Dude is a pedophile.
29?
I've seen bigger age gaps work out long term, but dang, not when the younger was still a kid in most ways. It comes down to there needing to be a certain degree of development of self before you can make a relationship be a meeting of equals where both people can move forward together rather than it being one leading the other (intentionally or not).
There's really nothing you can do about it, though. Like you said, he's a grown ass man and has to reap the crop he sows. If she's legal there, and the parents aren't objecting, there's nothing that you can the that's useful. You just hang back and see how it goes.
Treat it like you would if you didn't like his choice in dating because she was stupid, or ugly. If he asks, don't lie about your opinion, but don't bother them with it either. Trying to force them apart is likely to backfire and at the very least could make them stick together longer than they otherwise would if it isn't going to work out on its own.
People are allowed to make bad choices as adults. When it comes to family, there's a limit to what kind and degree of interference is acceptable, no matter what the family member is doing.
You've had the unfortunate discovery that your son is likely an idiot about at least this matter. Could be worse.
That’s gross and as a parent you have the responsibility to tell him it’s gross. Don’t normalise this relationship.
Why would it be gross? Wtf is wrong with people being so prejudiced here? Also, something being gross is your personal taste, stop forcing it on other people.
Relationships with this kind of age gap where one of them is young need to be treated with great caution because the risk of manipulation, exploitation or abuse is higher. But there is absolutely no way to judge it based on that single fact. If you know them and make sure he is not taking advantage of her, why would it still be a problem?
Maybe I'm the weird one here, but doesn't this problem literally evaporate in 4 years anyway?
I've never seen anyone bat an eye once both are over 20.
Maybe.
But you could also say the same about 5, 6, 7, 8,... years.
Currently she's 16, of course she'll get older with age.
Yeah but OP seemd concerend about the Age gap. Her Partens are fine with them being a couple, his son is an adult and the law also says its fine so the only thing which seems to be a problem is reaction of the public and somehow the public stops careing as soon both are over 20.
Start with asking yourself why this relationship is a problem, but the last one wasn't. If your son dated that girl for a year she must have been 15 (or younger) when they got together. This in itself is kind of a red flag.
I personally think that this specific age gap (with one partner being in high school and the other in their late 20s) is really problematic. Not due to the difference in years but the difference in maturity.
I don't think I expressed myself well in the post, I apologize, English isn't my first language. His ex is also 29, by same age girlfriend I meant same age as him. They dated from 2013-2023. The point I was trying to make was that he doesn't have a history of dating younger girls, bad relationships. They broke up amicably because she wanted marriage and kids, he didn't. He met current girlfriend in July of this year.
They broke up amicably because she wanted marriage and kids, he didn’t.
I think that's the exact point why he now dates someone much younger than him. Not that she wouldn't want those things specifically but she is his escape from being an adult. I've been there, broke up a relationship when I was 30 for the exact same reasons (no, I didn't date a teenager afterwards). Being that age is scary, especially these days. You have less and less time for your hobbies, you're expected to deal with a job, bills, taxes, bureaucracy, family planning, and the future in general. At the same time, even if you're successful in your job, you have to worry if you'll ever reach your parents' standard of living because real estate has become incredibly expensive.
In that phase of life, some people will cling to every opportunity to preserve their inner child. A silly hobby, quirky clothing... or a person around whom you can be immature. For me, the solution was to spend my vacations with a couple of friends who feel the same and just make our own safe space where we can be as immature as we want for a week. For your son, it was getting a girlfriend who is much younger than him. She won't mind if he acts like a highschooler because she is one herself. He can hang out with her and her friends to stay in that less complicated world for just a few years longer.
He needs that. And he needs you to accept that side of him, even if you don't accept his relationship. Make sure that when he comes home, it's okay for him to spend a day on the couch playing video games, watch Disney movies and forget about all his responsibilities.
His current girlfriend’s parents know about their relationship & are cool with it.
Possible, unfortunately, but how did you get to this information? Anything short of talking to them directly I wouldn't trust.
From them. We met them.
The first thing is the younger party being protected and allowed to develop, which it sounds like she is.
For me the rough time comes from realizing that either your son is dating her for her age (legal I guess, but ick), or he has so much in common with a 16-year-old it's enough to carry a relationship, which... Dude, what did you do in those 13 years to not grow as a person, ick. I can definitely understand why it would change your perception.
Then again, there isn't really anything you can do about it, except express your disapproval every now and then, but make is easy for either party to end the relationship without an "I told you so". Of all the actions for you to not condone, this is pretty mild. He could have joined a cult, committed crime, or "date" a 12-year-old.
Why can people of different ages not have compatible personalities? Youre saying it like a fact but have you actually thought about it?
Dude, what did you do in those 13 years to not grow as a person, ick. I can definitely understand why it would change your perception.
And comments like yours are the exact reason why he probably feels like he must protect his inner child against all odds. From what OP tells us, he has his professional life under control, so let him spend his free time however he wants. See my other comment for details.
Other than the age difference, what is wrong with her? Is she a mean person? Two_faced? Is she stupid? Lazy? Treat him like he's a sugar daddy whose only goal is to spoil her? Does she behave like a 16 year old that's going to grow up to be an awful adult? You didn't really give any reason for being against this relationship and for thinking less of him other than the age difference, which I'm not sure is a valid reason to think less of either of them if they are happy together.
No, I actually really like her. She’s really sweet, nice, respectful, studious in school - smart. She’s also very pretty. When son brought her home to introduce her to us she insisted on helping around in the kitchen, very willing to lend a hand. I just think it’s inappropriate for him to date a high schooler.
So let me summarize:
- He is happy
- She is happy
- He is very open about it and introduced her to you
- She is everything you could wish for (except her age)
- Her parents are aware that she's dating someone older and are fine with it
- It's legal
- He doesn't have a history of abusive relationships
- They have at least some shared interests
And yet you still can't give this relationship a chance based on the vague feeling that you "just think it’s inappropriate"?
While I agree that an age gap this big - especially if one is only 16 - is a red flag and should be watched carefully, you're against it for all the wrong reasons. As long as she is safe and they are both happy, give them a chance. Be prepared to step in if - and only if - there are signs of either of them being taken advantage of. Otherwise, support them the same way you would support them if she was ten years older. As long as everything stays healthy and legal, nothing you could say would make them reconsider their relationship. Criticism will only lead to him not telling you about his life anymore. To you not noticing if something does go wrong. To him not feeling comfortable breaking up with her when they are not happy anymore. To her not being comfortable breaking up with him when they are not happy anymore.
Approach this carefully and with empathy. Everything else will alienate you from your son and might drive him to bad decisions.
16 -> 29 is a huge red flag. They are in completely different places in their lives, or at least ought to be. There is an inherent power imbalance due to maturity and finance differences.
Could it be a happy, healthy relationship? Odds are extremely thin, but probably non-zero.
From my personal experience this "ought to be" is the problem. Once you get your first job, everyone expects you to drop everything that you're passionate about and start behaving like an adult. That can be overwhelming and I wouldn't judge anyone for wanting to keep that cozy feeling of being young for a bit longer. And as long as all important responsibilities still get taken care of, why not let adults be as childish as they want, whenever they want?
Man, I am a childish adult. My wife will tell you I'm a twelve year old boy in a fifty year old body. This is something else.