Ask Lemmy

Recently...they've kind of just adopted me. I'm incredibly shy, but I had been going to a little local coffee shop (just to get out of the house) and always tried to be kind and engage with the people working there when they would talk with me. I had a few really emotional weeks, and one of the owners picked up on it. She handed me a note with her number, and let me know I could always talk with her. She ended up inviting me to a little Halloween pumpkin painting night with some of her friends, and I connected with them super well! Now they invite me out to little activities, food, movie nights, etc.

That's kind of how I've meant most of the friends I've had- be kind, be interested, and be present! People get more comfortable the more they see you around, so even if you're a little shy or awkward, someone might extend a hand and bring you into their circle.

Hobby oriented stuff. Take a look at meetup.com or public recurring Facebook events. From a nerdy perspective also; Game stores that host groups and events public clubs like I have a monthly anime club near me for instance.

Hobbies were always my go to in the past, but honestly I didn't have a ton of luck with that. I've made most of my new friends this past year in one of three ways:

• Starting a group for people like me. I run a small but global chat group for people to find friends, I won't be linking it for privacy and safety reasons even in DMs, sorry.
• Activism. Activists are the nicest people on the planet and just being in their presence generates friends. I'm on my way home from a huge protest, and I basically just walked around and sat in tents and people just befriended me without me prompting at all. The exposure at events like this has boosted my confidence a huge amount and now I'm one of those people who actively befriends others too.
• Volunteering. Same thing as activism tbh, you build a sense of camaraderie very easily when you're working towards a common goal. I cooked about ~1000 meals at that protest as a volunteer cook and made about 20 friends in the first hour, it's nuts.

You're going to have to get out of the house and interact with people, whether that is at work or some other group function. Some people use bars/clubs for that, others use church. Some engage in sports or gym, some join a book club. Seek out situations that force interaction with others and be open to it without making it weird by seeming needy.

As a shut in with social anxiety and very introverted I’m wondering how to find friends now that I got better.

Like others have rightly suggested: hobbies, volunteering, taking classes. Imho, hobbies with IRL encounters are great. You can also check moist local public libraries, they will often have activities.

Are you into sketching or anything art-related (photo, painting,...)? Try to find groups, classes,... Urban sketching groups should be the simpler to find in many cities, no matter how big or small they are. People going out together to make some (street) photography, maybe?

Do you play chess? There are cafés, clubs, shops that will organize encounters or simply let anyone play some games with other people. Here in Paris, beside a shop or maybe two where you're almost sure to meet other players (not to play there as there is no room for that, but to chat), the first place I would suggest any newcomer to go and have a look, weather allowing, is at the jardin du Luxemboug. There is a dedicated spot where anyone can meet other players and start playing. Chess sure is a great way to meet and start talking to people be it as a player or as a spectator.

Scale modelling is too. Be part of a club with regular meetings. Imho this is one of the best way for anyone looking to spend hours discussing with other people that often are more than willing to talk about a common interest: building/painting/criticizing scale models and, well, just having a chat about the hobby and whatever thematic a specific model kit may be about (race cars, tanks, planes, boats, scifi, figurines, such or such history period, it's endless). Scale modeling is not only a niche hobby it is also a rather lonely hobby too. So, any opportunity to meet a fellow modeler will often be appreciated — any impression I may have been a scale modeler myself would not be a pure coincidence, and even though I quit practicing the hobby I'm still always more than happy to talk about it.

very introverted

No mater what you decided to try, as an extreme introvert myself, I would say the most important thing to keep in mind is that there is no assurance this will work.

As a matter of fact, I would say that more often than not it won't work. And that's nothing to do with you (, or I, or anyone else)? It's just that most people are not going to those places/gatherings in order to be picked up as new friends by others. They go there to enjoy whatever it is they're enjoying doing.

Just be fine with it and don't ever think it is because of you that you did not met a new friend. Even if it happens you will screw something because you were too shy, or too anxious or whatever, that's fine. That's just how things are and how they work. This also why true friendship is at least as precious as love is, it's rare. Also, the older you get the harder it will be, says I a 50+ years old dude.

Just keep on trying... and don't push too hard or you risk pushing people away ;)

Do you have an hobbies that may have groups in your area? What about volunteering somewhere if feasible?

As a shut in with social anxiety and very introverted

As someone who is similar, my advice is this. Get yourself one friend who is the exact opposite. If they care about you, they'll basically force you to attend social functions and stuff with them, and that will put you into a situation to get more comfortable with more people. Their friends become your friends.

Lots of "hobby" answers and that's true. One thing to mention is that some dating apps aren't just for dating and have different checkmarks for what you are looking for - including friendships.

Just do what I do.

When you're feeling lonely, just go out into public and talk to the first person you see. Once that painful experience is over, just go home and be grateful you don't have to do that again.

Bars, volunteering, church, board game shops, dating sites, neighbors. Anecdotally I got a dog and now I know everyone in my neighborhood due to walking him twice a day, but I wouldn't go as far as recommending a dog for that purpose.

Meetup.com is great for meeting people, and it's good if you don't necessarily have a hobby or want to explore more things. There are hobby-based meetups as well as those more based on socializing and recreation and plenty else to explore.

I made friends with people I work with.

Let me know if you figure it out. I plan to start doing yoga, so we'll see how that goes.

Went to the local animal rescue and picked one. 🤟

Maybe it's possible for you to do some further education or a diploma? It brings you regularly together with people with common interests.

I started playing Disc Golf and then went to a local League night weekly for a summer. That got me familiar with a lot of people and I made a few friends to play with on the weekends.

I have made real-life friends on Instagram (well, back when insta was still semi decent), it's much easier for me to make the first move by text than try to do it face to face. Discord maybe? Activist groups in my experience are a good place to find like-minded people and they are usually welcoming to newcomers, same thing with underground-ish/alternative art/culture spaces -- if you are into any of that. Usually you can contact someone beforehand to show you around. For me it's really difficult to go to unknown social groups alone so the usual suggestion to "start a new hobby" doesn't really work.

Not a shut in, but I don't have any real local friends. I don't go out much because going anywhere costs money, and I don't have a lot of spare money, if at all, after rent and food. Living as a freelance artist with a day job just to get by really isn't a good recipe for finding friends who aren't in a Discord voice chat.

Short answer is; if you're unwilling or too broke to go out, you will not have friends, and you'll remain quite lonely.

Work. But I feel like they don't deserve me, they deserve someone better. I hate being lonely but I also hate wasting people's time.

Meetup. Or really a any situation where you're with people doing the same activity.

Playing tennis. There's local clubs that have social mixers where you play a few games and then switch courts and play with different people. There's USTA matches that pair you with people at your level. It's fun too

They don't. That's why they're alone.

I am somewhat in a similar boat. I have like one to two friends left and also looking for a partner. I never go out and only stay at home.

I know that this is definitely not for everyone but rather for a small minority, but I found and joined the furry fandom. They are loving and welcoming and so put my hopes into them. There is a high chance that there is a local meetup in your area but I have been too shy to attend yet. Instead, I opted straight for a convention which I think is a better starting point for me because it is more anonymous. Note, that this is just a suggestion since the convention did not happen yet and I am looking forward to it patiently.

I didn't have many friends until I met my now wife. Then her friends became my friends as well. So just date someone with a lot of friends.