this post was submitted on 16 Apr 2024
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[–] [email protected] 88 points 3 months ago (9 children)

This is a bad post. Polyamory is NOT about sex and it's NOT a fetish.

It can work extremely well and be extremely loving if done correctly. The problem is, it's not as easy as people often think it is when trying to idealize it.

Communication is extremely important in every relationship and that only multiplies when you have more than one partner.

If you have a feeling of jealousy... Talk about it...

If you don't think your partner is spending enough time with you... Talk about it...

If you aren't enjoying sex with your partner... TALK ABOUT IT!

I've been with my fiancé for almost 4 years, my bf and I are celebrating our 1 year next month, and I have a new first date next Wednesday. My fiancé has even been with their nesting partner (who is monogamous) for 8 years now.

This all happened because we have clear ground rules and boundaries as well as active communication.

I've never felt more loved than when my fiancé helped me pick out my outfit for my first date with my bf.

I love them both so tremendously and it pisses me off when people tell me that isn't possible or that all I care about is sex.

[–] [email protected] 47 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

I think there are an unfortunate number of monogamous people who decide to try polyamory to fix or hold on to a dying relationship. It's not a surprise that that often goes extremely poorly. It's not for everyone and it's not gonna fix any problems.

I've dated a couple of people who are poly, and while I'd always been in monogamous relationships, I was open to the idea. I don't think love is a finite resource, and I'm not a jealous person at all, and it turns out, it doesn't bother me at all. I also stay well away from anyone who thrives on drama, so all involved were very honest and adult about the whole thing. I wasn't in a good headspace for any relationship at the time, so it didn't work, but I'd absolutely be willing to try it again.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 3 months ago

It's really awesome that you noticed your own needs and put those first. That's really awesome and I'm proud of you for doing so.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 months ago (1 children)

My nesting partner and I do not have a sexual relationship anymore, and that's totally fine. We're still in love and enjoy spending lots of time together. Polyamory is not about sex. I have other sexual partners sometimes, and that's fine. My NP also has a girlfriend who she doesn't have sex with either, and they get along like gangbusters.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Exactly! Sex is completely unrelated to the process as a whole.

It's gross how often people think that being in love is just to have someone to fuck.

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[–] [email protected] 47 points 3 months ago (14 children)

If people want to practice polyamory I suppose that's their business. I personally have known a lot of people who turned their lives upside down to be in polyamorous relationships and they generally always fall apart over jealousy. One person always ends up feeling left out usually.

If you want that and you can make it work though then more power to you!

[–] [email protected] 42 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Also if sex is all there is holding your relationship together you are fucked

[–] msage 12 points 3 months ago
[–] [email protected] 15 points 3 months ago

I guarantee you know more monogamous people who have lost their relationships to jealousy.

This isn't a polyamory issue

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[–] [email protected] 38 points 3 months ago (4 children)

There is a real phenomenon where many people try polyamory before they accept that their original relationship should end, then go back to just being single or start a different monogamous relationship.

This "transitional" polyamory is often looked down on but I think it's another honest attempt to deal with the pressures and problems of expected monogamy.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 3 months ago

My friend did it. Initially it was because her SO became basically asexual and she was trying to make it work while also meeting her own needs, and she ended up leaving him for her polyamorous partner and they got married and have been together for ages and had a baby. Sometimes the way on is the way out I guess.

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[–] [email protected] 33 points 3 months ago (3 children)

There's also asexuality. Love your partner but don't wanna fuck 'em? Get a divorce you deviant! Because apparently sex is required for a happy marriage and if you don't have sex because you're not interested in it, then you're obviously a pervert or a prude who deserves to be unloved.

[–] [email protected] 22 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Unless you're both asexual, or are open to the sexual one fucking around, you probably should get a divorce though

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I think there is another side to that though that the non-asexual partner is probably often not very happy.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 months ago (3 children)

Are you disregarding your partner's needs here?

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[–] [email protected] 31 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I have nothing against practical monogamy save for this. You must free the ones you love before they can freely choose you.

It’s why insisting on lifetime guarantees of sole-possession is the worst possible way to soothe your jealousy or fear of abandonment.

If you can’t let go of that fear long enough to put someone else’s happiness first, it doesn’t matter how many oaths, contracts or incentives you use to fortify your conquest. You will never know what real trust feels like.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 3 months ago (2 children)

(Pre-edit: this became much longer than intended. You struck a chord in me it seems.)

You've articulated this so very well. It's a lesson that took me many years to learn and comes with the prerequisite of respecting yourself and respecting your partner to such a degree that the relationship comes second for both of you. Each person's first priority should be themselves. Both parties need to respect that to the point of accepting that staying together is not a given and is contingent on both parties being fully satisfied with the direction your lives together is heading.

The funny thing is that I've never felt more confident in my relationship since learning that. I used to think that's putting the relationship second to yourself is antithetical to commitment but actually it's the other way around. The only way to fully commit to a relationship is to make sure that maintaining it is a concious choice rather than an expectation or given.

The way my dad illustrated this lesson in my youth (and I took the advice but only recently learned the full meaning of it) is like this: life is a journey down a road with many crossroads. Should you find a partner, you walk together. If you hit a crossroad and can't agree on a direction then thank each other for the lovely journey together but let them follow their own path. Find that partner that is going to the same destination and you'll have found happiness in love.

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[–] [email protected] 27 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (3 children)

Shitting on Poly people seems still fashionable.

I think I understand why people hate on them. First, cheaters in monogamous relationships. What people don't realize is that there are cheaters in Poly relationships to. It's actually a ton of extra work making sure everyone and their wishes are respected.

Second, religious fundamentalists. People think of Mormons mostly when thinking of Poly people. Misogyny, religous indoctrination, all the worst shit you can think of. Not all Poly people are religious you know.

Polyamorus people deserve marriage equality. They deserve to love the way they want.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

I think a lot of people have the experience of dating someone who does not reveal they are poly until it is too “late.” I have a friend who is constantly meeting people and then learning that they already have a boyfriend, which is extremely frustrating.

My ex husband also decided that he wanted to be poly. I was okay with it (I had no interest in pursuing other relationships myself) - but then he decided to throw our marriage away so he could chase legal teens half our age…

The worst part is that you are supposed to feel “compersion” or something. It wasn’t enough to let my husband fuck teenagers, I had to be happy about it. It made me feel absolutely horrible and devastated my self esteem.

The poly lifestyle also sort of encourages you to view relationships as means to an end and disposable. You see this person for your sex needs, this person for your emotional needs and so on. It’s not a lifetime partnership.

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago

Ive seen about 5 open marriage relationships first hand as part of my social circle, and maybe another 10 open dating relationships in the same expanded social circle. All hetero relationships, and I'd say slightly more than half of them were initiate by the woman. All "progressive" / non-religious poly.

This has been about a 15 year period, and every single one of those relationships at this point is over, or on deaths door.

My closest friend at one point was one of those, and I watched him slowly get more and more depressed over 6-8 months before opening up to me about it. He was critical of me passing judgement on poly relationships until I told him "OTHER people are capable of poly relationships. YOU are not." And that's really my only criticism to poly stuff. It is possible to be two well adjusted people participating in a long term mutually consensual polyamorus relationship. But those are about as common as rolling a natural 20 in the sample set of poly relationships. The rest are just headed for the garbage and at least one person in the relationship already knows it.

Real Polyamorus deserve marriage equality and to love the way they want. Most of the others are just virtue signaling and wearing it like a fashion statement, which is why they get made fun of.

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[–] [email protected] 24 points 3 months ago

My opinion is fuck people like this that want you to conform to their standards of what a relationship is.

If you can have a happy and healthy relationship with someone without having sex with them? That awesome and you don't have to give a single shit what losers like the OOP think about you.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 months ago (29 children)

Maybe. If you don’t want to fuck anyone you should probably get depression treatment before a divorce. If you want to fuck someone new and not your wife then divorce. If you want both, nonmonogamy may be for you, but polyamory involves far less sex than you hope.

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[–] [email protected] 22 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

Sounds like someone who is offended people live a lifestyle other then their preferred one and I feel it's best to just ignore this person.

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[–] [email protected] 21 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I want my wife to fuck me.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 3 months ago

Woah there buddy. This genie can't make somebody to fall in love with you.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 3 months ago

Love is not the same as sex. Heinlein said it well with "the more someone loves, the more they CAN love".

Different people can fill different needs. As long as all people involved are in agreement, then it's nobody else's business.

Mrs Grundy can take a hike off a cliff.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Asexual people and relationships exist

Also what does lack of sex have to do with polyamory?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago

They weren't implying a lack of sexual desire altogether. They were implying someone who was no longer attracted to their spouse but wanted to have sex with other people instead would just call themselves poly instead of getting a divorce...

Like how all those cishet guys go through years of emotional and hormone therapy, multiple surgeries, etc, so they can perv out in the women's restroom by calling themselves trans. Obviously /s

[–] [email protected] 14 points 3 months ago

It's kind of weird because I agree a healthy marriage requires a healthy sex life with your partner, but at the same time I don't think a marriage should be built upon the premise of sexual gratification nor be dependent solely on it.

As for Polyamory, though, I don't see it as good or bad in general. Might be better to cohabitate with larger groups as humanity moves forward, but it certainly complicates relationships.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 months ago (1 children)

What if I want to fuck my wife and another woman or man at the same time?

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[–] [email protected] 12 points 3 months ago

WTH! People are answering this like it was a serious question??? I thought it was a joke, a meme or 'Terrible Facebook'

Just let people figure out their own relationships! If you feel one way then great. Dont force others to feel the same way as you though!

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago (3 children)

I joke with my spouse that we need to get a wife. With 2 kids there is more than enough work for 3 adults.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

This doesn't make sense. Is it supposed to say "a book about monogamy"? That would make a little more sense.

Edit: fix stupid phone autocorrect

[–] [email protected] 26 points 3 months ago

I think it's referrencing monogamous folks trying to save an obviously dead relationship with poly

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