submitted 2 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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[-] [email protected] 88 points 2 months ago

This is a bad post. Polyamory is NOT about sex and it's NOT a fetish.

It can work extremely well and be extremely loving if done correctly. The problem is, it's not as easy as people often think it is when trying to idealize it.

Communication is extremely important in every relationship and that only multiplies when you have more than one partner.

If you have a feeling of jealousy... Talk about it...

If you don't think your partner is spending enough time with you... Talk about it...

If you aren't enjoying sex with your partner... TALK ABOUT IT!

I've been with my fiancé for almost 4 years, my bf and I are celebrating our 1 year next month, and I have a new first date next Wednesday. My fiancé has even been with their nesting partner (who is monogamous) for 8 years now.

This all happened because we have clear ground rules and boundaries as well as active communication.

I've never felt more loved than when my fiancé helped me pick out my outfit for my first date with my bf.

I love them both so tremendously and it pisses me off when people tell me that isn't possible or that all I care about is sex.

[-] [email protected] 47 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I think there are an unfortunate number of monogamous people who decide to try polyamory to fix or hold on to a dying relationship. It's not a surprise that that often goes extremely poorly. It's not for everyone and it's not gonna fix any problems.

I've dated a couple of people who are poly, and while I'd always been in monogamous relationships, I was open to the idea. I don't think love is a finite resource, and I'm not a jealous person at all, and it turns out, it doesn't bother me at all. I also stay well away from anyone who thrives on drama, so all involved were very honest and adult about the whole thing. I wasn't in a good headspace for any relationship at the time, so it didn't work, but I'd absolutely be willing to try it again.

[-] [email protected] 18 points 2 months ago

It's really awesome that you noticed your own needs and put those first. That's really awesome and I'm proud of you for doing so.

[-] [email protected] 23 points 2 months ago

My nesting partner and I do not have a sexual relationship anymore, and that's totally fine. We're still in love and enjoy spending lots of time together. Polyamory is not about sex. I have other sexual partners sometimes, and that's fine. My NP also has a girlfriend who she doesn't have sex with either, and they get along like gangbusters.

[-] [email protected] 17 points 2 months ago

Exactly! Sex is completely unrelated to the process as a whole.

It's gross how often people think that being in love is just to have someone to fuck.

[-] [email protected] -1 points 2 months ago

For a lot of people partnerships, cohabitation, and sex are ALL conflated into one big, messy thing. For a lot of men there’s an amount of ownership in there too.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago

I posed it as a question for a reason. I can say every poly relationship I have known has ended in flames, but I'm open to all opinions.

But there is no question some people should just get divorced.

[-] [email protected] 12 points 2 months ago

I can say every poly relationship I have known has ended in flames

I strongly dislike this trope. Most monogamous relationships also end badly. Relationships are hard.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Well they have is all I can say. Two of them ended particularly badly when the person in them who encouraged the poly relationship up and left the person they invited to be poly. My one friend ended up suddenly homeless when her poly couple threw her out after she had moved across country to be with them, and another who had been encouraged by his wife to practice being poly ended up having said wife vacate the premises while he was away for a weekend and empty their bank account and change her number and vanish. Like it was pretty bad.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago

Right, but you surely have also seen many monogamous relationships also end badly.

Both of those examples could easily have happened with monogamy.

I could rattle off a bunch of poly relationships that have gone well. I know some folks that are raising a kid. They both have other partners. They're all pretty happy. Been so for years

Another couple has also been together for years. The one of them has had other relationships for years while the other focused on her career. For the last year or two she's got more time and is exploring dating. She's having a blast. They're all very happy.

There's a friend I've known for years that's done poly the whole time. He's had some breakups over the years, but that's just normal relationship stuff. None of them were to my knowledge catastrophic.

I can also rattle off monogamous relationships that went badly.

It's absurd to be like "monogamous relationships sometimes end badly. Poly relationships sometimes end badly. The poly ones are due to poly."

[-] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Mah people represent 🥹

[-] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

What if I wanna talk and they don't?

[-] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

As with any relationship, you can either decide it's not worth it to keep bringing up... Or if it matters a lot to you, you can break up.

Sometimes, even with a lot of communication, the relationship just doesn't work. Not everyone is meant to be. Sometimes your needs are very different from your partner(s) needs and separation is the best way to make you both happier in the long run.

this post was submitted on 16 Apr 2024
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