SOURCE - https://brightwanderer.tumblr.com/post/681806049845608448
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I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.
Like... if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you're a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.
The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.
| just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success... I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.
I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances.
Me and most of my friend/family group have married in the last few years and I don't know if anyone would have bothered if there wasn't a promise of forever. There's often the desire for a home and kids and it's (in my opinion) hard to do that if you don't have a commitment from your partner. I don't want to raise kids alone or have to do custody arrangements if I can avoid it.
If housing and child rearing were more communal it would maybe be different but I think the commitment is kind of the point.
If you'd be willing to share your experience please feel free to. I didn't have the experience of married parents or even watching them interact/divorce so I'm always on edge regarding the kind of issues I'm possibly missing in my own relationship.
I'm an open guy and didn't mind sharing whatever, but I'm not sure which aspect you're interested in. I had great role models - my parents were happily married for 50 years until my dad died. My wife and I had problems off and on for years, and we've been more roommates than romantic partners for quite some time. We had an argument and she confessed that she hasn't been in love with me for some time. She's not with anyone else or anything like that, but she doesn't want to be with me.
Thank you for sharing. Sorry to hear about your father but it seems like he had a child and wife who loved him.
That falling out of love concept is really my big fear. I think I know what a healthy loving relationship is, but only because I think I'm in one. The thought I might wake up one day to my partner saying that no actually, we were not in one of those is my big concern. I don't know what it should look like and having nothing to compare to so it feels like the biggest obstacle we could have.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through that but glad to see that people can and do make it out relatively ok. I truly wish you the best.
Thanks a lot. No worries about my dad -he was pushing 80 when he died, and he lived a life most people would be proud of. It was also 24 years ago. Sadly, my mom lived ten years longer, and I think the only reason she didn't die of a broken heart is because she got Alzheimer's and kind of forgot about my dad's dying.
I don't think there's one kind of healthy relationship. Every person has strengths and weaknesses. The key is finding a person whose strengths and weaknesses meshes with your own. I've seen people with significant issues have happy marriages with spouses who just love them and balance with them.
Ultimately, all we can do is try to work with our partners, understand that every relationship has rough times, and hope we can weather those times. Sadly, there's no guarantees, as I can attest to.
Don't overthink it. If you are aware that this could happen, you will be able to see it at its earliest ;)
Did you communicate about it with your partner? That's probably a great starting point. Go for a chill afternoon of opening. Sometimes, we go through so much together that we take the other for granted, or just forget to open-up and share our innermost feelings with enough room of both space and time.
Thanks for the reassurance.
We're generally pretty good and I think that's the issue. It feels so weird to have a normal loving relationship it feels like that itself is cause for concern lol. Will definitely find some extra time today to tell them how special they are though.