Ask Lemmy

I was still living at home when my SO (we do not get along anymore) met my mother after a few dates. My mom has BPD, and when older women have it and it's untreated it's REALLY vicious and narcissistic and crazy. She was absolutely obsessed with every detail of my appearance. We had to walk part of the way and it was rainy out so my straightened hair got damp, and she was absolutely psychotic about how my hair looked, so I explained to him as we walked that she would be staring at my hair and extremely fixated on it, and that she would probably be curt and rude to him, which she was, but because I had to live there still I asked him to please just be peaceful and we would get out of there quickly. Well she stared at me with her psychotic violent eyes and talked endlessly about my "ruined" hair, and as predicted was snippy and dismissive to him, so being his oppositional obnoxious self he told her he was a communist to piss her off (this was the 90s and it was a very different outlook on communists then). This made my life hell for many weeks.

When I met his mother, who is a different flavour of abusive, I was not warned at all she was like that, and she gave me a highly unwelcoming look when I came in and he wandered off to fix her computer which she had demanded he come over and fix. I made feeble conversation attempts and talked about how I had been dress shopping that day for my friend's wedding and had gotten a good deal on a dress, I was the maid of honour, and she gave me a terrible look and stated that SHE only shopped second hand. I think I paid 40 dollars for the dress so it's not like I wasn't economical. That pretty much put an end to me trying to talk, and I just sat there miserably. I don't think he or his family ever really had a good picture until I came along and she started treating me poorly what a subtly abusive person she is, but she pits her kids against each other, says provocative things to upset them,called me by the wrong name on purpose since the day I met her despite being corrected several times, and does all sorts of other weird manipulative shit for attention, like pretending she's very poor (she wasn't and had more money than any of us) so giving us only secondhand Christmas gifts that she had taken for free from the Catholic charity shop she volunteered at, and wouldn't even put them in gift boxes but instead in produce boxes she took from the grocery store, full of shit nobody wanted and that we also just donated somewhere else, but also had a thing for giving you really insulting garbage gifts, like giving me her very used personal bathrobe that was positively threadbare, or waking the public golf course near her house and picking up discarded and chipped and broken golf tees and putting them in a Ziploc to give to her son in law who golfs. Or when she gave her only grandchild an old vitamin bottle filled with dish soap and a bubble wand she probably found on the ground at the park. Can't even spend one whole dollar on her only grandchild. She never worked a day in her life and got a very large alimony check every month for that time period, like 2-3K per month, did nothing for her kids but give them used crap they didn't want and threw out, and lived in this weird attention getting way, like if you went to her house for a meal and were trying to clear the table and asked her where the garbage was, and she'd tell you she didn't have a garbage can and to take it across the street to the public garbage can. Like deliberately narcissistically attention getting pseudoeccentricity. All sorts of shit like that. She's still like that even though we are long estranged for her shit behaviour to us, and I think my SO was relieved to have a reason to get away from her, and nobody in his family really has the ability to put into words all the nasty things she does or how it hurts them. So I understand why he didn't tell me because it's so hard to describe, but he also didn't really ever stand up for me, and that should have been my biggest red flag. She is just an awful person.

TL;DR, whatever it is warn them so they don't get hit in the face with it ever no matter how little you interact.

I would inform potential dates that there really isn't going to be a family for them to meet and that I am probably the last representative of that family. If they ask me if they're going to have a father-in-law or a mother-in-law, I would tell them it is probably in title only.

The goal is to spare your dates or would-be newlyweds from getting involved with what drama or dysfunctionality your family has gone through. You are doing your date a huge favor.

I can't give a first-hand account, but I'd think it should be enough to say you aren't close with your family. The details don't have to come unless things start to get serious, and even then, only what and when you're comfortable sharing.

I told my now wife everything as it came up, I never hid anything from her. Also I had already cut ties to almost all of my family.

When people tell me " your parents raised you right" I respond with " no the family dogs did most of the raising, my parents served as a bad example"

Sometimes you can let the water run. Sometimes you just gotta let the faucet drip reeeeeeaaaallly slowly

From life of experience, it’s just as you said: without lying.

You said it here, ‘I have an abusive family, I’m glad I managed to turn out ok but I don’t want them to involve you in their bullshit.’

And if you don’t want to talk about it just say it as well and leave the door open: ‘I don’t want to talk about it and ruin the day but if you want one day I’ll tell you.’

I’ve been married for almost 20 years without having met her parents, they didn’t "approve" our wedding and we just didn’t care about it. As long as you are two sane and respectful adults there’s no problems.

Just let it happen naturally, as you're getting to know each other. If you're truly the sane one, they'll eventually see that you're sane and explaining your family history won't be as daunting anymore.

This will depend on how long you have been dating someone. On a first or second date or whenever it is first mentioned don't drop everything at once. Say something simple or innocuous that is true but not a full detail. Say something like "My family and I are not close because we don't have the same values" or "My family and I are not close because they drive me a little nuts and we don't have to get into it now" or "I am moving towards non-contact with my family". What you want to show is that early in the relationships you can show good judgement to whoever you are dating and don't trauma dump about your crazy family all at once.

As you date someone more you can show who you are. You can demonstrate through your actions that are a normal person and don't follow your family dynamics. This also shows that you understand what is and what is not appropriate for first dates. From there slowly roll it out doing a high level summary like you gave above. From there just tell stories as they seem appropriate. So its going to be a full disclosure but won't be full disclosure right away

My wife has a pretty crazy mom and dad. She did something similar where she first talked through their contentious divorce and then more details as we were together. Her story is a little different because her family isn't as nuts as yours and she didn't realize how toxic they were until she did lots of therapy while we were dating. So we are now reframing her quirky childhood stories and two crazy people making each other as miserable as possible and the trauma that caused. So a slow roll is what is needed.

Also note we are all messed up so you are not the only one.

That's the neat part, you dont.

You can't teach/explain everything. Small warnings and you can talk about it when it happens, when they understand. You shouldn't need to prove they're crazy or that you're sane. Most people who do aren't.

I'd just tell them your family is abusive and you have distanced yourself from them.

You have, right?

I would just keep it vague but honest. Everyone knows someone with a shit family or has one themselves, and you don't owe anyone details. People will pick up the situation without you having to get into it and anyone worth being in a relationship with isn't going to care how shitty your family is except to be angry at them on your behalf.

And probably sometime on the first few dates, at least asking about family.

Really ? My parter didnt meet any of my family until about year 3, not "date 3". I have met her mother 3 times but none of her siblings and that's at year 10.. I find family a chore and so does she. I have mostly nothing to do with mine and prefer being with people who have similar views. My family are mostly conservative aka hateful, hurtful and science denying.

Maybe if you're 18 it's a thing, later in life, not at all.

"Remember, you only get one mother!'

"Promise?"

People who haven't been there, do not know and really can never know.

I'd say, your best and safest bet, is to cut ties. When it comes up in conversation, politely explain that not all families are "presentable".

As far as I know, the current culture around dating/relationships includes meeting your SO’s family

Date someone that doesn't rely on ready-made recipes/expectations to meet people?

I mean if your family is screwed up (mine was), you should not be bothered to try to explain it to anyone. Not mentioning that most likely it'll end giving the exact opposite result of what you're looking for (I mean, anyone hearing someone telling them 'fear not, my family is nuts but me yeah I'm 100% ok' won't feel that confident about you). That's also useless.

Like I said, my family was... problematic. Did I try to rationalize them? nope. What I did is that as soon as I was able to, I let them behind me where they could live their live like they wanted to, and I started living my own... and meeting people that would not care the reason why 'mom/dad/family' was not an essential part of my own live. That works. Ask my spouse ;)

someone comes to town, someone leaves town

by cory doctorow

If you're already dating someone, explaining the situation, or rather, telling your own stories of the kinds of shit you had to deal with, should give them a good picture of the situation and of your character as well. If your date thinks they'd rather not keep in touch with you after that, it may be for the best for both of you.

While I thankfully had a mostly common family, my last ex had a very abusive mother who was extremely rude to her own daughter and would 180 into a flower whenever talking to me. It was an astonishing dichotomy and I always understood why my ex wanted to stay away from her house as much as possible.

I'm not sure why any of this is somehow a red flag. Your partner is going to be dating you, not your family.

Maybe my experience isn't the norm, but I find that a significant portion of people I meet have fucked up families.

Yes, people often ask about families when meeting each other, but it's perfectly fine and common enough ime to say that you aren't close with/don't have a good relationship with one or multiple family members.

My advice would be to keep it brief and somewhat vague at first...just stating what I said above should be sufficient enough. You're getting to know each other, but you're not there to learn every single intimate detail about every moment of someone's life. Don't go into a long tirade or story about anything at first. Over time, you will get to know each other and can slowly talk about more bits and pieces with time.