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The fact I won't be able to retire. I don't have the money because of financial abuse from my SO. I honestly don't know what I'll ever do. People in my city are living in tents in the park and I assume I will have to do that. I'll have a good pension but it won't be enough for the cost of living as it is now.
(Please don't suggest I leave, as kind as you all are, I cannot afford it).
People, dying without ever been loved by a woman. Both of those are related.
My earbuds exploding while I'm using them
Use wired ones?
Those often catch fire when you listen to music or podcast.
Willful Ignorance
My temper
Heights, s.n.a.k.e.s, clowns, and being kidnapped and getting sick or not having feminine products while I'm locked in a place without adequate facilities. Also, the vastness of things like the ocean or the grand canyon. And that I'll wake up from the dream, be 12, have to relive my life, and wont know how to get back to this exact spot.
nearly everything unfortunately. my therapist tells me my amygdala is over active
Grey aliens. Yep, I know they're almost certainly not real. They freak me the frack out. It's undoubtedly all the UFO stuff I read as a kid about abductions and such. A very petite friend once threatened to dress up as one in a realistic costume to scare me in the night. I begged her not to for her personal safety: I'm certain I would not react in a safe or rational way.
Being alone at night creeps me out because of this. Driving alone in a remote, low population locale? Horrifying.
Nevertheless, I still read up on stories and other media about the paranormal. Why am I like this? No idea.
It hasn't ruined my life or anything. I've spent time alone far away from people, when I had to. I can go places at night. It's just something that creeps into my mind sometimes. I function as a grown ass man, but I still get the creeps about it when I'm alone. I don't know that I'll ever completely shake it.
Change. Particularly the kind I can't deal with.
The past year or two in the online landscape has been turbulent and has shown me that I fall back to the familiar as a coping mechanism. And if that familiar should be unavailable... Ouch. ;_;
If you can't control the change, why would you treat yourself as if it's your fault? Change is inevitable. Learn to be at peace with yourself and exterior changes won't affect how you feel.
I would suggest a few books for you if you're interested.
I was in this crystal clear cliffside cove and could see in front of me maybe 10 m or so but the Rock only went out about 5 and then just plunged into the abyss. and after exploring the coastline I swim out about 10 ft past the rocks and realized that I could see nothing but the deepest blue I'd ever seen.
literally anything could be just a few body lengths away watching me were sensing me, it was almost overwhelming.
I felt this visceral terror, that I've felt before in the middle of reading a Lovecraft story.
very much looking into the eye of something unknowable.
Do you recall which Lovecraft story?
mountains of madness.
I had similar chills with other Lovecraft stories, but then my roommate in college told me that the first time he read mountain of madness he had like a mini breakdown because it was so terrifying, and I hadn't read that story yet.
and the way he describes the immensity of surreal psychotic landscape is pretty terrifying.
I actually read through the story like three or four times in a week to feel the chill more than once.
I haven't reached that one yet, but I'm close. I really enjoyed A Colour Out of Space, The Dunwich Horror, Rats in the Walls, The Temple, Call of Cthulhu, and the very beginning of The Festival, when he describes wandering along the seaside road toward the distant twinkling lights of a wintery village. The opening pages of that book are beautiful.
That's great.
The gothic beauty of his writing is part of what's so deceptive about his world building, he can seamlessly lull the reader into terror through hints and connotations even within beautiful descriptions until all of a sudden you're mired in the psychic clutches of lunatic behemoths.
have fun, do you have his collected works?
I actually don't remember the festival.
I have the collected works ready to read but haven't restarted it yet.
I have this one here. It's huge and leatherbound. Unfortunately it's missing several of his less popular ones. The Hound is one I'd like to read, but it isn't included in this volume.
Being born. Don't want to make that mistake again.
I want to die awake. Preferably a gunshot to the head. That bad things happen to good people even death, life isn't fair but you play the hand your dealt, and while not in vain, life has little meaning when thinking of times massive scale. Like the poem of Ozymandiaz.
I met a traveller from an antique land Who said: “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert . . . Near them, on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, Tell that its sculptor well those passions read Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed: And on the pedestal these words appear: ‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!’ Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away.”
That I don't know that my memories are true, or that I might just suddenly experience eternal suffering.
Heights, depths; but not consistently.
After considerable reflection, I realised that a lack of a margin for error is what truly terrifies me.
Dental pain. Experienced it once and that was enough to give me lifetime nightmares. Absolute horror!
My biggest fear is something happening to my kids. If something happened to them my hair would turn white, I would curl up in a ball and die.
Getting old. Because it's like old people are just ignored. Nobody thinks they are good looking or interesting and they are mostly just tolerated, not appreciated.
That in combination with body starting to break down is not a great feeling.
And its because of this real lack of quality care for the elderly (outside of the wealthy elderly) that I workout and eat right as much as I can. I probably won't be able to afford a good retirement home so I need to stay as health and fit as I can for as long as I can.
I do the same. Exercise, eat healthy and sleep properly. Once the body starts to get real problems, fun is over....
