this post was submitted on 26 Dec 2023
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Lemmy Shitpost

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Start the new year off right and leave this bad habit behind you, it's disgusting!

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[–] [email protected] 49 points 9 months ago (2 children)

I shit every day and can't stop. I can't control myself and my desire to shit is so strong, I find myself putting it before my family, friends, job, I'll even wake up in the middle of the night with the need to shit sometimes. This addiction impacts my life every day. If I don't shit, I start to think about it and worry.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I've got the solution!

Not eating!

Never eat a single thing again and you'll never have to be burdened with having to shit ever again!

It's free, easy and you'll look great as well!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago

Until the day you die!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago

Bro you just gotta hold your poop in

[–] [email protected] 19 points 9 months ago (1 children)

But when will I use Lemmy then?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 9 points 9 months ago

I prefer the term freelance CEO

[–] [email protected] 6 points 9 months ago

I work in the food industry. Only time I'm on Lemmy at work is breaks/bathroom

[–] [email protected] 17 points 9 months ago (4 children)

If I had three wishes, one of them would be to never need to use the bathroom again.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Wish granted. You now have catheter and colostomy bags.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 9 months ago (1 children)

STOP BEING THE TRICKY KIND OF GENIE PEOPLE!

[–] [email protected] 10 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (3 children)

Wish granted, I'm the murderous kind of genie now. So... What's your last wish?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago (4 children)

Jeez. All I wanted was to never have to be around poo or pee again. Is that really asking too much? You guys are mean.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago

Granted. You are on the moon (with empty bladder and poop shute)

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Everybody jokes but one day there's going to be a Cyberpunk|40kMechanicus|DeusEx market part for purchase, and the world will be further divided by those that need access to sewage and those that do not.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)

If I could buy an implant that compressed my shit into diamonds, I would be so happy.

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Even if that would mean that we keep growing in size, fattening up completely with all we ever consume?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago

Well no, obviously I would stay the way I am.

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Slogan should be "put a cork in it."

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Tampons work surprisingly well.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)

How many do I need to eat for it to work?

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 9 months ago (1 children)

We went from 3 days to infinity?

[–] [email protected] 7 points 9 months ago (1 children)

*until you die. Which I assume is not too much longer than 3 days.

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Shitting is so wasteful. People dont know that you just have to hold it in for a while, so your body can fully utilize it.

Source: I am voice actor for GTA 6.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago

Oh my god it's dickvamblerAU. Can you say "boop" for me?

[–] [email protected] 12 points 9 months ago

Reading this shitting

[–] [email protected] 11 points 9 months ago

I'll be sending TP! Thoughts & Prayers 🙏

[–] [email protected] 8 points 9 months ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 7 points 9 months ago

What the fuck how is lemmy leaking into reality…?

[–] [email protected] 6 points 9 months ago
[–] [email protected] 8 points 9 months ago

Im doing it right now, cope and seethe amirite

[–] [email protected] 7 points 9 months ago (2 children)

Well how do you feel about shtanding, then?

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

wait until they learn about eating. fucking revolting.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

You all are so weird. I love it.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago

I imagine myself completely exploding after about a week of not shitting. It's still gonna make a shitty mess everywhere.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago

We need VaPOOrise

[–] autokludge 4 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

Pro tip - Simply eat a light meal of shirataki noodles, around 200 Cal. With any luck you can form your very own bezoar and rid yourself of this addiction for the rest of your life.

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago

Some Lemmy advocacy does feel like this

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago

ALL HAIL DIARRHEA!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I may be accidentally joining this ... um... movement

because I've been procrastinating squeezing out a loaf I've had in the chamber for a couple hours

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago (3 children)

Not much a movement then. Hopefully you got that loaf out by now.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago

OP proposed a movement.

And I need a bowel movement.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)
[–] [email protected] 3 points 9 months ago

Like that old Kids In The Hall sketch.

"WE WILL NOT BE TYRANNIZED BY OUR BLADDERS!"

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