Asklemmy

Therapy

I’m sorry you are going through this. I haven’t had any experience like this besides having an alcoholic sister.

But I’d just suggest that you need to try to come to terms with the fact that your pop seems like an asshole. This is all speculation. I bet he convinced you to stay with him as a way to hurt your mom. You as a person were not important to him, but he wanted to use you. So when you turned 18, he didn’t want to deal with you anymore because it cost him more than he got out of it.

You can’t do anything to change him, you can just work on you. For me with my sister, I just sort of accepted that she is who she is and I’ll never have the relationship I wanted with her. I don’t go out my way to avoid her, but I certainly don’t really ever try to interact with her. It has worked, but the relationship between siblings is less important I think than a parent child relationship.

Maybe therapy could help? Or read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see if that fits your dad.

It doesn’t sound like a you problem. Sounds like a problem with him. As such the agency to fix the problem lies with him.

Move on and forget about him.

You are under no obligation to answer the phone.

My mom kicked me out when I was 18 and I was homeless for 2 weeks. She took me back in when uni started.

This is one of the reasons I don't speak to hear anymore. At all.

This year, she sent me texts demanding to see me on my birthday. I did not speak to her. At all.

I am now waiting for her to die and for one of my siblings to inform me. Apparently, my sister (who lives in another country, we don't talk much) is also done with her and doesn't talk to her at all. I guess our brother will let us know.

What I'm getting at is that you are under no obligation to cater to people who don't want to tolerate you in the first place. If a guy you lived with for a while was an asshat and demanded to see your children, you'd think he was demented. But suddenly he nutted in your mother once and now it's fine? Family means nothing on its own. Family means you have a default group of people you interact with, but it's up to each individual to actually be friends and allies with their family members, and if someone isn't being a good friend or a good ally, and even is actively antagonizing you, then why do you still feel like you owe them anything? What do you mean "finally getting to the point you should accept it"? Accept him into your life? Why?! What good will that ever do to you? Oh sure maybe you'll get to think "well I made amends before he died" once he's dead. Guess what, if you've never held a grudge against him like you seem to imply, then it's actually not up to you to make amends. Don't tolerate bullshit from people just because they happen to be related to you.

You won't get justice or change anything about how the guy acts so you have to make changes yourself that you can control. Let yourself be free of needing his approval and attention. You deserve respect at least as much as you'd expect from any other person, being family doesn't absolve them of it. If he won't be respectful, then stop calling him, let his calls go to voice mail, stop seeing him and fill your time with people who are respectful. You can't change him but you don't have to put up with it either.

I have a mother who used to act like she hated me a significant amount of time until a few years ago. I have a father who does not think I am that important. I used to think both of my parents hate me, or did not love me at least. I now have a more nuanced view of that. They are just people who are very damaged and almost handicapped in certain aspects. In any case, I think I might be able to understand your situation at least a little bit.

For me the most difficult part was not deciding whether to keep in touch with them or not. I mean, that is a very difficult decision and if your father is still hurting you, you should protect yourself. However, for me the most difficult thing is dealing with the damage.

I am not sure if this damaged you in the same way it damaged me. But if it did, I want to tell you that it is not your fault. Your father acting like he hates you is not because of anything you did and certainly not because of who you are. It is because of who he is.

A lot of children who are not loved or who are even hated by their parents think it is their fault. They think something is wrong with them and they deserve it. I mean, that makes sense, right? If it is your fault, then at least the world still is a fair place. And if something happens to a bad person you do not need to be compassionate, so you do not have to deal with any pain you are too little to be able to deal with. Also, you depend on your parents, so you cannot get too mad at them or leave. From the logic of a child, this makes sense.

And it works, it helps you survive. But once you get older, you keep thinking in the same way. You have a very low opinion of yourself and feel like there is something wrong with you or as if you are worthless. And to keep living in this way is familiar, you know you can survive that. You do not know whether you can survive the pain you suppressed all those years. Or it might still be so suppressed that you cannot even feel it. Until one day, it becomes too much and you start thinking that you might want a different life. You might not just want to survive, but actually live.

You do not discuss your mother. If you have a mother that was able to show you love, that might have had a protective effect. I hope so. But if you recognise this story in any way at all. I think it is import for you to know that it is not about accepting that your father hates you. It is about accepting that you are someone that did not deserve this. And that is very painful, but going through the pain of it, is the only way not to feel that anymore. It will free you from it and enable you to live more than survive.

It is a very difficult thing to do. I myself have not yet been able to go through the pain fully. It often feels too overwhelming, too much. However, after each small step I make, I already feel a little bit more free. I really think this is the way to cope with it. At least for me. It might help you as well maybe if you have similar feelings.

Edit to say that therapy can help a lot with this process. Others have said this as well, but I agree with them.

There are already a lot of good answers/opinions/experiences/etc. here and I don't want to rehash all of that, but I will mention this:

If you've heard the expression, "blood is thicker than water," you should know that the original unedited expression was actually, "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Basically meaning that the friendships (covenants) you make in life are stronger bonds than the family you just happened to be born into.

You can't choose your biological family, but you can choose your friends and (non-bio) family. Don't let people drag you down just because they're related to you. Cut the dead weight out of your life, regardless of relation, and live your best life. If your dad doesn't care about you, then why should you exhaust any energy caring about him? He hasn't earned your attention, nor the attention of his grandkids.

My wife came from a poor trailer trash family and felt obligated, as the only person who made something of herself, to attempt to support her grandparents (who raised her), mother, and 3 siblings. But it only led to greed, gluttony, and dishonesty. Eventually, she had to cut ties with most of them because they started to feel entitled in sharing her "wealth."

We had to draw the line when one of her pregnant sisters was about to have her baby taken away by the state. (I believe it was her 4th one the state had taken from her at this point; she had been deemed an unfit parent, but kept pumping out kids regardless.) My wife's family tried to guilt us into adopting the kid, just to keep him in the family. She finally put her foot down. Taking in illegitimate children from her family was just trapping her with the burden of her siblings (who were already trying to pawn off their kids to their grandmother). My wife cut ties and now only speaks to her siblings (and mother) if they call. But she makes zero effort to stay in touch otherwise, and she won't give them anything except functional Christmas gifts - the one time of year she indirectly contacts them.

My wife had deep-seated anxiety for years, worrying about supporting her deadbeat family. Now she's low-contact and made a rule not to support them financially. She's living stress-free now and is in a much better place for it. Their lives are their own and she refuses to feel responsible for the horrible choices they've made.

Well, this sort of thing is honestly above any social media's pay grade, so I will only tell you what I did after talking with my therapist

I know how this feels and I'm sorry you are going through it too. After the only member of my family who was even remotely kind to me died (and even that was an abusive relationship), I cut off contact with everyone else related to me and my life has only improved. It's been about 6 years now but i am much happier for it, no judgement, no yelling, no control, life is just... quieter.

You can't control how others act, and your father has had several decades to reconsider. At a certain point, you should just protect your own well being and go no contact.

Being a part of your life is a privilege, not a right.

I called my father a cunt last weekend cause he talks to me like disrespectful nutjob. I'm 34 and work for him. Never work with assholes. Especially family.

I'm too scared to have children cause they'll end up like either him or myself.

Sorry have to go through that.

My advice is to stop trying to be pleasant in every interaction with him. That is fake and interacting with fake people is indeed exhausting.

Based only on what you wrote, my advice is to commit to developing authenticity rather than pleasantness.

The fact is you have reason to be upset with him. If you haven’t expressed that upset, you’re being fake.

As a father of 2 kids you need to know that you owe him nothing. Just because he is your parent doesn’t mean anything.

Instead of thinking of him as your father think of him as a friend. And would you keep a friend like that in your life. If possible go 100% non contact and don’t ever worry about him again.

Stop letting him. You don't owe him even an explanation. The nicest thing you could do for him would be to let him figure it out with as much time as he needs to do so. He hasn't listened thus far or had any appreciable or effective consequences that gave pause to or caused change in his behaviors. I think you probably know this and are just looking for confirmation.

Take yourself and your family back. Why let someone like that be a further influence?

Don't let him round your kids. He treated you terribly and hasn't changed, you shouldn't expose your children to someone like that. It doesn't matter if he's your dad.

Seconding the therapy suggestion.

It sounds like your situation is similar to mine. My father is a sociopathic narcissist and I didn't realize it until I was 30 when he effectively disowned me. It hurts to be rejected by a parent to such a degree and I was pretty depressed for a while, but it helps to know that he suffers from a mental illness. Knowing this also helped me to disown him, in turn. He was always toxic and harmful and I find now that I am happier without him in my life.

I do often wonder in what ways my life may have been better had I had a supportive father, but it's much more productive to look forward than to lament over what could have been.

I hope that you are able to move past your father's negative influence and be better off for it. Some men are just miserable people.

I don't know what's the right thing to do. But in your shoes I'd probably cut off contact with him.

Therapy will help a bit but it'll keep eating at you. Perhaps distracting yourself when it comes to the past might help, it does for me a bit.

I've got a "father figure" who I'm not on speaking terms with. I'm in my early 30s. I am also a father. I have also tried to keep the door open and have been punished for it.

This is the part where I give you advice, but I don't really have any. You're not alone. Our generation had a large shift away from believing that respecting your parents meant that you had to do everything they said. Some people simply don't comprehend that respect must be earned. I will make sure that I deserve the respect of my child.

first . the internet is the absolute last place you should be asking for advice on this. we don't know you . we don't have real world interactions with you, your kids, and your dad. so there is zero way we can answer this question.

second. seek out a professional therapist who can help you with this problem.

My dad was abusive, and after reflecting on it for a while I ended up cutting off all contact 10 years ago. Best decision I ever made.

You are under no obligation to allow toxic people into your life. Sharing bits of DNA does not require you to submit to abuse. Cut him out and move on, your mental health and the well-being of your family is worth it. Life goes on.

Am now 37, and finally getting to the point I should accept it.

That's the neat thing, you don't.

You deserve to speak your mind. The idea you must endure abuse from even those who created you is false. Don't ask "how do I cope", ask "how do I assert". There is a difference between rightful treatment from those you owe yourself to versus treatment from those people which run counterintuitive to being able to claim parenthood as justification.

What's going to happen if your children one day ask why he treats you this way? Is this good for them?

My answer for undesirable family members is to accept who they are and not see them. You may have a similar decision to make at some point.

Just stop talking to him. Just because he donated DNA doesn't mean anything if he treats you badly. No contact.

Sorry. It sucks.

I'm not sure what you're looking for, but it's OK to be annoyed, pissed, sad or whatever.
I don't pretend to have a solution, merely that whatever you choose is fine.
I haven't been through your exact situation but sometimes, some people just don't deserve a place in your life.

It's easy to think you owe him your presence just because he's family, but really, you don't.
Neither do your kids.

You're not a burden. You deserve better.
Your dad sounds like a narcissist, you're not obligated to keep them in your life with how they seem to make you feel.

The problem is him, not you.

I will agree with most that professional support is needed. For me... I had to realize that I could not change people interact with but I could change how I reacted... Not ideal. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Out of curiosity, was this the dynamic growing up and prior to the move? I just wonder if your father is a narcissist. If you were always blamed while your siblings could do no wrong then there's a strong chance that's the issue.

Regardless, I'm so sorry about how your father has treated you. I feel like I can relate in some way. As an adult it's taken some time to sort through those past issues. It's hard to come to the realization that a parent can't be what you want or need them to be.

Someone else in the comments mentioned therapy and I just want to echo that. There's nothing wrong with it and I think everyone should do sessions with an expert in their life. I hope you can find some peace regardless. Best of luck OP.

I'm just gonna drop a link to Captain Awkward's "families" tag here, there's like a 99% chance she's answered a question similar enough to yours to be helpful.