Ask Lemmy

I used to do dispatching for night-shift security for a large computer-related company in a western state in the U.S. (sorry for vagueness).

One foggy night/early morning as we were nearing the end of our shift, one of the patrol guys calls in from his vehicle and says he found a dead cow on one of the roads that ran adjacent to company property. Our building was surrounded by fields that sometimes had cattle on them, so we figured one must have gotten loose somehow and got hit by a car, probably because it was so foggy and hard to see. The officer was on his way back to dispatch anyway, but 3 minutes later, as he's on his way back and on another road (the company site was several acres), he calls in again to say there are MANY LIVE cattle all over the road and running into one of the parking lots in front of the main building. Turns out they all busted a fence and escaped, and were now freely running around the campus. We have no idea who they belong to, so we call the head of security (who was on his way in as by now it was like 6am), then call the cops to see if they can tell us who owns the land the cattle escaped from.

Meanwhile, other people who work in the building are arriving for the day, and they are calling in to dispatch saying they cannot leave their cars because they're surrounded by cattle. The herd (we later learned it was about 100 head) split into several groups, and started blocking the entrances to the building, and people were just afraid to get out of their cars with them roaming around. The fog made everything worse because you couldn't see very far across the lot before you were suddenly up against a herd of spooked cattle.

Eventually we got ahold of the owners, and they had to come out to the campus with horses and literally round the cattle up with lassos and herd them back into the fields. The cops came to redirect traffic on the highway to avoid the worksite entirely while our patrol assisted with the Jeeps. It was utterly ridiculous. Thankfully the only casualty was the 1 dead cow.

I won't say this is the craziest thing that ever happened, just the first thing I thought of. I once had a short-term contract job at a place that didn't have a sink in the office so to make coffee you had to get water from a drinking fountain in the hallway and dump it out/wash it in a bathroom sink--which was already gross enough. Also, whoever took the last cup was supposed to make the next pot--but the boss would never make a new pot, just wait until someone else did.

One day after I'd been there a couple months, one of the employees went around telling everyone "Stop drinking the coffee unless you want to drink 's backwash!" She'd seen the boss walk up and grab the coffee pot, dump his leftover cold coffee out of his coffee cup into the pot, pour himself a new cup and put the pot back. He was too lazy to go dump his cup out in the sink or fountain.

And that was the end of making coffee in that office. People would buy it elsewhere or bring a thermos.

Oh! And another thing that happened when I worked there was someone killed themselves by jumping off the roof. Funny how I remembered the coffee thing first.

The company I used to work at sometimes rented out their conference room to other companies for large conferences.

One day some people rent the room, and start bringing in some suitcases. Thinking they might have some involved presentation, nobody asked questions. A few more people came and went, until suddenly the police raids the place.

Turns out those people robbed a museum a few weeks earlier and tried to sell the stolen historical art pieces in that conference room.

Christmas party, of course. We had an Indian dude join the company. Really nice lad that I got on great with.

There's a company meal kicking off at 7pm not far from where we work so the entire office (about 40 odd people) decide we'll get a few scoops in beforehand.

Well this lad was quite small and very obviously not used to drink. He was fairly toasted before we even got to the restaurant. He kept drinking then became belligerent.

Proceeded to puke all over the place half way through the meal. He went out to get some fresh air and the CEO went out to have a chat with him and suggested he head home.

Promptly told the CEO to fuck off and leave him alone.

My bestie was his boss and at that point basically wrestled him into a taxi. The CEO took it well in fairness. It was totally out of character so he kept his job (and his visa which was dependent on the job).

The computer that controlled all the doors refused to open any of them, including the door to the room in which it was physically located.

It wasn't quite HAL 9000 because doors could still be opened from the inside, but control over the computer was regained only with the help of a locksmith.

Boss was arrested for ordering expensive toner cartridges for "store use" and reselling them. He had racked up around 80k and a felony charge.

Also, the absolute horrors that occurred in another job's bathroom were biblical.

I was working part time as a software developer while a grad student and was assigned under a full time employee. We were the only ones working on that project. I came back after the Christmas break to be informed I was the new project lead because the full time employee i was working under got fired after he sexually assaulted one of the female employees after getting drunk at the company Christmas party.

Went to the bathroom for 3 minutes, came back and my co-worker had been arrested for ~~gooning joggers that morning~~ public masturbation.

EDIT: This guy would park his car, start jerking off, then ask women for directions. That morning someone recognized him, and he freaked out and drove away. He got sober after that and turned things around.

I’m a manager at a small laid back warehouse. It’s not uncommon for coworkers to all go out as a group for drinks from time to time.

A subordinate and I became genuine friends at one of these outings and hung out for a couple of months. They caught feelings, I didn’t reciprocate and backed away from social time with them outside of work. Fast forward a few months and they tried to kill themselves in the parking lot one day after I said I didn’t want to hang out with them anymore because of our work dynamic.

I don’t go to work hangs off the property anymore.

Massage Therapist here had a client come in with a live tick on his back that my coworker removed successfully. And then carried on with his massage

An employee pissed into a co-workers potted plant and the coffee machine's water tank, right in front of a security camera.

I saw a dude lose a hand because they ignored everything about passing through the water tight doors when they were moving.

First day on a job and a coworker took a pistol out of his briefcase/bag and began cleaning it/wiping it down. It was a small office of 5ish people. I was just basically there to help play a tech support role for some outdated software they were running. My coworker was an older sales rep for the company and he was responsible for hiring me (don't ask me why). Anyways, first official day I was working he brandished his pistol. I don't know why. He looked a bit like Kelsey Grammer which bummed me out because I love Frasier. (Shout-out to /c/Frasier ) He had other hangups and ultimately quit a few weeks later.

When he pulled that gun, time slowed down. With all of these mass shootings I just didn't know what to expect. My mind raced but my body froze. I wish I could say I said something but I didn't. I kept my mouth shut and pretended like nothing was happening.

People can be so unhinged. That was almost 10 years ago now.

My place of work used to have a fairly large "data entry" department until they... did... something to make that job kindof unnecessary. They laid off pretty much all of that department. And I'm told the boss who was over them before they were laid off returned to his office to find a sizeable human shit directly atop his desk.

Another story. My own boss (actually my boss's boss) was a massive asshole. Committed the team to a completely unreasonable deadline in conversations with the C-level folks above him, and then threw temper tantrums when the deadline wasn't hit. He turned the daily standup into a 7:30am (in-person) daily demo to prove we were making progress and weren't... I dunno... slacking off or whatever. Many a temper tantrum was had in those demos as well.

I quit and made no secret of why. After I left, I heard through the grapevine that in a meeting with the CTO, the asshole boss accused the CTO of being incompetent and said that he was gunning for the CTO's job. The CTO, sensibly, told the asshole boss to do not pass go, do not collect $200, security will escort you out of the building and we'll ship you your personal effects from your office.

And then I quit the place I'd gone to and went back to where the asshole boss had been and I'm still working there. Definitely would not have considered coming back if he was still there.

Ok. One more story about the other place. They switched from one chat provider to another. But they never actually shut down the one they were migrating away from. Several folks never left the old chat. When it was discovered that on the old chat service, said folks were trading really really inappropriate holocaust jokes, the whole office got a talking to in very vague terms. It wasn't until like a month later that someone explained to me what had precipitated that.

1. Open up new area for increased storage.

2. Bear.

In orientation i was the demo for using the wheelchair safety straps and the guy giving the demo grabbed my dong in front of like 50 people

An employee was angry about an unfair policy and was being punished for not complying, and in his anger he threw a chair. This was before my time, but security had to escort the employee out of the building and he was fired on the spot. That story still circulates even though it's been over a decade.

At another workplace some employees were caught having sex.

At another workplace a manager and employees were running a drug operation out of a drive-thru.

There were other things, but honestly humans are so predictable, they're usually:

• fucking one another
• threatening, fighting, or trying to kill one another
• trying to get high or stay high
• stealing, cheating, or otherwise trying to enrich themselves

So a lot of the stories are of one form or another - employee who always came in extremely drunk and worked her shift drunk for years, only fired after some violent incidents and indecent exposure because of excessive drunkenness.

One employee was homeless and sleeping on the roof of the store, he was caught climbing down one morning.

Another guy was peddling drugs outside the store.

Another employee was stealing stock from the store after hours and was fired after getting caught.

Anyway - poverty is fun, y'all!

Before my time, but they tell tales of the "Phantom Shitter". Someone had... issues, physical and/or mental, and would leave streaks of waste both going to and from the bathroom. Very liquid waste. Sometimes stepped in. "Phantom" because initially no one knew who was doing it. They just found the results. Eventually he was found out, sent home for a bit, and then fired when it happened again after he came back.

Since I worked there: Guy came in for an interview. I don't know if he was already having a bad day or what, but he got upset that his first interviewer wasn't there to greet him at the front door. It escalated, rapidly, leading to threats of violence, an arrest, and a couple of cops searching his car.

Pharmacy got robbed with a crossbow back when I was managing a Shoppers Drug Mart in the bad part of town back in the day.

A patient escaped his police escort through a crawlspace above the showers. The whole building went on lockdown (with loudspeaker announcements about not interacting with any naked men you come across) before they eventually found him a mile away, still starkers.

we hijacked a conference room on a shared floor for a week and built a three-phase high-voltage line in there by hunting around the building for which sockets were on which phase, then plugging them into industrial transformers.

Girl did dabs for first time on break with gf she was trying to impress. Came back and slapped the manager and got taken away by ems. Showed up next week to no repercussions.

Retirement home kitchen server. This is who feeds your grandma.

I knowingly stalled a counterfeiter for ~20 minutes while we're waiting for police to arrive.

I just well full inept dipshit worker on the guy and he believed my act.

Guy could have just walked out and been free but he stuck around over less than 200 dollars of fake money he was trying to wash through us.

Had a guy bring in a sandwich baggie full of hair, put it in front of me and asked "Do those look like crabs to you?"

Nope'd the fuck out of that situation.

Not super crazy and this was a long time ago, but there was a guy who was just around 3 months with the company who was causing a ruckus.

We only knew about it because he went live on social media while he was at the reception floor of the building claiming the company was engaged in fraud or something. It wasn't intelligible to be honest and I couldn't really understand what he was specifically accusing them of. I think he was fired on that day, and he went live shortly after he was told. He also claimed he was not being allowed to leave, but I think the reason was he refused to give up the company mobile phone that was issued to him, claiming it contained evidence and he wanted to take it with him.

I never heard anything about it since, and I don't know what happened to the guy and if the claims were true.

A coworker that got pissed when things didn't work and threw them across the shop floor was getting fired. He was getting fired mostly because the owner of the company--hereafter referred to as Asshole Boss--was a dick, and the coworker scared him. (Note that the coworker was never violent towards people. Just machines.) Anyway, the Asshole Boss got a bunch of cops there on the day that he was gonna fire him, but the employee heard what was going to happen and just... Didn't show up.

This is the same Asshole Boss that fired me maybe a year, year and a half later. He fired me because I had a 'bad attitude' because my partner of ten years had said that they wanted a divorce two days earlier. I got driven straight to the hospital and checked in after telling my supervisor that I was going home to commit suicide. Yeah, the suicide part didn't work out after all. (The divorce was ugly; they tried to bankrupt me and saddle me with all of their debt.)

...But it all ended well. Asshole Boss fired the management team that was making the whole business work in a fit of pique; the management team got some funds together and started a company that was in direct competition with Asshole Boss. I ended up being their first hire. Asshole Boss ran his business into the ground in less than a year and a half, and the company the management team started is growing and expanding a decade later.