this post was submitted on 30 Oct 2024
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I go to work to work because I need a paycheck, not to make friends.

Where I am there is a new coworker that to me acts needy (think of Slow Horses's Struan Loy), tries befriending me, but he invariably asks if everything's ok. I don't care about this person's life.

The first 2 times I didn't think anything of it, but he asks that every day and it's becoming tiring.

I feel mobbed and stalked, mobbed because he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don't ask him about his private life and do my job, and stalked, because he is so fixated on me.

going to HR over this seems ridiculous, but I'm starting to hate his voice.

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 12 hours ago

First off, I’m am not seeing really great communication skills coming from your end in your story here.

he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life

This is predicting. Or do you actually know he thinks this? The use of ‘insinuating’ sounds like you’re filling in a lot of blank space with your own narrative. Unless he came out and actually said this, private information isn’t necessarily an unspoken agreed upon trade. And if it was that would be a fault on his side.

And Just to get it out of the way: Introvert isn’t where you don’t want to socialize. It’s just a personality trait in how you recharge with or without socializing. Typical introvert would not avoid socializing altogether. They’d socialize and then excuse themselves for a time being. This is of course with healthy preferences of who to socialize with like any average person could have and that is perfectly fine but that isn’t a trait of what makes a person introvert or extrovert. That’s just having standards.

Either way, this just sounds like you have made a choice that this person isn’t for you and you have some unspoken boundaries and expect someone to know your boundaries without telling them. Even if you think you are being clear with social queues this might be a case of miscommunication of what a social queue is for you and what he reads communication(possible) . But I wouldn’t leave that to assumption.

People aren’t mind readers so of it is bothering you this much you could tell him like several others are suggesting.

after that if he doesn’t let up, see HR as that would be harassment at that point.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 23 hours ago* (last edited 23 hours ago)

Tell him straight up. Unfortunately the only approach is direct or it will get worse. After you tell him, tell your boss the conversation in case the coworker tries to be petty and report you.

I am a manager at my job and see this type of stuff all the time. Could it be he simply wants to be friendly? Sure. Either way it’s better to be direct so there is zero confusion.

I would tell him, “Look John, you’re a nice guy but I’m not interested in making small talk with you”. And then just continue your work. If he doesn’t leave you alone after that then it’s time to go to HR. Please do not feel bad. Some people lack self awareness at the workplace and don’t know how to act in a professional setting.

[–] [email protected] 24 points 1 day ago

Most of what I’m seeing here sounds too confrontational or passive aggressive to me. What I would do personally is wait until he asks you if everything is okay again and then say something like this:

“Yeah, all good here. So you know, I’m not quiet because something is wrong in my life or between us, I’m just very introverted and my natural state of being is not to open up”

Most people tend to assume other people’s internal state is works similarly to their own, unless it’s an aspect where they know they are far removed from the norm, so for an extrovert, they equate you being quiet to what would cause them to be quiet. Without telling him the reason you act differently, he will continue to assume this.

By wording it as an FYI, you give the opportunity for him to understand the difference and change his behavior without telling him he has been doing something wrong, because best as he knows he hasn’t been, and so you hopefully prevent him from getting defensive.

If he continues, then maybe you can go to a more confrontational approach. That’s how I would handle, at least.

I am also a woman and I’m guessing you are not from your username, so ymmv with communication like this.

[–] [email protected] 58 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

This website completely changed the way I thought about this stuff and I found it super helpful.

The line to walk, generally speaking, is, "When you do [specific behavior], it makes me feel [specific emotion]." So for example, "When you ask me if everything's ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot."

Keeping it about your own feelings makes it less confrontational while still bringing attention to the problem - you don't wanna get drawn into a whole debate about whether there's anything wrong with asking if someone's ok, but you want him to understand how you feel and (hopefully) take that into account in the future. If he does get defensive, repeat the message once to make it clear you're standing your ground, but then drop it and move on. A lot of times it's just a matter of the other person not realizing how it affects you.

Having said that, speaking as someone who's very much had the same mentality in the past, there are a lot of advantages to having friends in the workplace. Something to understand about this approach is that it's actually good for building relationships because it allows you to confront the behaviors that bother you while openly communicating your feelings, and people may even respect you more for standing up for yourself. Just remember to walk a middle ground, you don't want to veer into aggression or passivity.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 day ago

walk a middle ground, you don't want to veer into aggression or passivity.

Got it, aiming for passive aggression!

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Tell him you feel shy around him because you're attracted to him, and then ask him out on a date. Either he'll leave you alone or you'll get some. Win/win

[–] [email protected] 5 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

Why would your advice be to commit sexual harassment in the work place?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 14 hours ago (1 children)

Telling someone you are attracted to them and asking them out is not sexual harassment. It might be against workplace rules, but that depends on the workplace. Having consensual sex with someone after a date is also not sexual harassment. It could be seen as "quid pro quo" if one of them is the other's boss.

If at any point the person asks you to stop and you continue, then that is sexual harassment.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 12 hours ago* (last edited 12 hours ago) (1 children)

Op didn’t say they were attracted to them. You know this.

You gave advice as a way to creep someone out as an alternative solution to being left alone. That is using sexual harassment as a mode of operation.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 12 hours ago

OP didn't say they were unattracted to them either. And if you saw my advice as anything other than a joke, that's on you.

[–] [email protected] 34 points 1 day ago

It's hard to refuse someone who on the surface is just being friendly, and who might take your rejection as a harsh assault on their fragile personality.

I think just try to communicate to him that he's distracting you from work. He might not actually realise.

If he can't be reasoned with, then maybe yes go to HR

[–] [email protected] 77 points 2 days ago (2 children)

"I'm sure you're perfectly nice as a friend, but I'm not looking for a friend. I like to keep my work and private life separate, and I'll thank you to do the same around me. Don't think I dislike you; but for me, personal chat is an unwelcome distraction."

[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Don't say it, send it in an email.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago

Carry it printed on a sign behind your back until he pops up, then whip it out after the first question. Then walk away after he's read it, while conspicuously taking handwritten notes and looking back over your shoulder.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Why in god’s name would you escalate to writing?

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

so that if it escalates there is a trail of information to bring to hr. especially a good idea if this person has been around the company longer.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 day ago

This is the best answer. Not that you even owe them this much of an explanation. But it provides enough detail to satisfy them and succinctly tells them in corporate language to fuck right off.

[–] [email protected] 30 points 1 day ago (1 children)

"Please stop asking me if everything's OK. Everything is fine and your concern is appreciated, but I prefer to work in silence and I'm not getting any right now."

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Or just stop after the first sentence.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 13 hours ago

Or after the "but" and before the "and"

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Something like "I don't like to chat at work".

The other suggestions seem far too inviting for follow-up or could be perceived as sidelong attacks.

That phrasing is hard to follow-up on, though not impossible, and focuses only on you. I suspect you also don't chat with others, so they probably can't say something like "But you chat with Johnny?"

Talking about what they're doing that annoys you opens a conversation about them feeling attacked or maybe trying to find alternate ways to talk to you etc. You don't need to explain why you don't want to chat because that will open other conversations. They probably will try to follow up or redirect, but calmly insisting that you prefer not to chat may work.

HR is generally a bad place for employees to take issues since their stated job is to protect the company from liability their employees might incur. If you have a union or some other third party resource go to them first, then go to HR if they advise it. Since HR is interested in protecting the company from liability created by employees you may be able to aim them at the other employee, but you need to be sure that's what they'll do before going to them, otherwise they may view you as the liability.

EDIT: And you don't need to wait for them to ask if you're OK. If your issue is that they're talking about non-work and that's not why you're there, just bring that up immediately.

And also be clear they can still talk to you as long as it's work related, and that you're not refusing to work with them. Otherwise you become an HR problem.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 1 day ago (2 children)

You didn't tell us when he asks if everything is OK. That is a large omission, and I hope you can update the original post with examples of what led up to the question being asked. Also, what is the setup there? Are you working at Subway making sandwiches? Do you have adjacent desks? Do you show up to work with black eyes? We are left wondering what's up.

Certainly anyone who repeatedly asks "Are you OK?" is exacerbating some issue, but I would be hesitant to offer any advice about what you ought to do without reading more details.

(In other words, the missing missing reasons applies here just as it did in the original scenario, for those who remember it.)

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Here's my take. OP is a girl working at Subway, both her and the guy are 16. The guy is romantically interested, tries to get her attention, does so awkwardly. OP is not interested, tries to excuse it as "being an introvert". Course of action - say you're not interested and move on. In case I'm wrong, disregard this comment.

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[–] [email protected] 50 points 2 days ago (2 children)

"I'm not interested. Please leave me alone."

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

i have a lot of issues speaking my voice (that ive been really really trying to work on recently) but the thought of me trying to say this is right there next to causing a huge scene and yelling FUCK OFF

how do you guys do this shit XD

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Years and years of trying to be nice to people and them just using it against you, and treating you like shit is how you become comfortable being direct, and no nonsense.

Also remember not to worry too much about what that person is gonna do. In most cases even a manager cant even do all that much to you in retaliation, and if they do you have a case to take to HR. Don't just accept that you are a victim.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 2 days ago

Seconding that.

Not cruel, but firm and transparent. Not too escalating, but not too subtle. Spot on.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 day ago

"Look man, I appreciate the concern, but really, I'm fine. I just prefer not to socialize." Then divert your attention to something else.

Or you could pull an SGDQ and go with the ol' "I would really prefer it if you would be quiet."

[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Tell him the truth. He's so annoying you asked a bunch of randos on the internet what to do about hi.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago (1 children)

lol show him a link to this thread and ask him to pick which answer he prefers.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

A Choose your own ~~Adventure~~ Rejection

Edit: didn't remember strikethrough formatting correctly

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

'None of your business, motherfucker."

[–] [email protected] 38 points 1 day ago (3 children)

Without knowing more about the situation, the best response is impossible to determine.

Are they fixated on you because they think you have social needs?

Has everybody else told them off because he is annoying and by not telling him off you are granting some degree of (passive) acceptance that he is needing?

Is he romantically interested in you?

"Look man, I just have no interest in having work friends. I am here to do my job and go home. You are distracting me from doing my job and I don't appreciate that." Or whatever.

Going to HR may be the smart move to avoid him going to HR about you not being friendly or a team player or whatever nonsense if you professionally tell him off. I wouldn't tell HR you are being harassed, just tell them that he is distracting you from work and don't appreciate it. If he continues after HR talks with him, then tell HR you feel harassed.

You going to HR can also take place of talking to him yourself. You talk to HR and ask them to tell him to let you work, they talk to him so you don't have to try and navigate his bullshit and you get the issue noted to support your side of things.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 day ago

This whole comment right here.

I was thinking the romantic interest thing right out of the gate. I like your emotional need take, too. Either way it's not work appropriate esp. if OP has communicated their disinterest before.

I also like your direct communication prompt.

While you're right about how HR works/how to go about it, I find HR a hammer when a finesse tool might work. OP could ask their manager how to deal with it. Not only does this put it on the radar, but it's a bit less official, and might yield the gray zone outcome OP is looking for

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

You going to HR can also take place of talking to him yourself. You talk to HR and ask them to tell him to let you work, they talk to him so you don't have to try and navigate his bullshit and you get the issue noted to support your side of things.

This is how humanity dies.

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[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 day ago (1 children)

"Everything is good, thanks. Staying busy with work..." and then either get back to work or stare at them until it gets awkward. Its possible they have trouble with social cues and you seem friendly or nice or whatever, people are weird and being a new employee is stressful so trying to latch onto someone who comes across well can be a thing that happens. I try to redirect people like this to the topic of work and answer any personal question with something boring. What did you do this weekend? Laundry. If they have any self awareness they will eventually only talk to you about work. Stay professional and don't be rude while making it clear you are at work to do work and have no interest in their personal life or sharing any details of yours.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 14 hours ago

This is good advice. Keep the conversation short, formal and boring. Bring up the weather as a signal there is little of interest in the conversation. When you are ready to disengage say “I will let you get back to your work now”

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Are headphones a possibility in your workplace?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

In this situation I would imagine him tapping OP on the shoulder or worse.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

going to HR over this seems ridiculous...

do this anyways.

they're creating drama for themselves and it will suck in more people if they don't get the validation they're seeking. either figure out how to give them what they want in a way that works for you (this usually doesn't work) or do everything in your power to protect yourself.

warning: if management sees them as more valuable than you are; you can expect going to hr to backfire.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I think a direct approach is best and not caring if the person gets offended but also not trying to offend them. Something like "Sorry i don't feel comfortable with you asking about my personal life can we keep the conversation professional?"

Then if they dont accept that, and keep at it is when youd go to HR.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I'd word it more like "Sorry I don't feel comfortable discussing my personal life at work", that way it takes the onus off of the person and keeps it neutral.

Maybe that's just me though, I haven't worked in an office in 4 years.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

The neutrality is the issue a lot of these responses have imo. People are too complacent. Standing up for yourself and being direct is not a bad thing.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

it's gonna depend on the size of your work place really. hr isnt so much the group that is a resource for you the human. think of them like the IT dept that manages the human resource. if you've plainly stated your boundry to that person. "it's not your business what my mood is, if your uncomfortable with me not behaving in the excited mannor you want. that is a you problem". it's on your manager to ensure the other person respects that boundry. and if your manger doesnt do that, hr should definitely care because thats a problem. that said. it's far easier for everyone to just say "smile more, we're a family and we all behave the same way" in smaller org. and you'll have to decide if staying in a place that wont respect you boundries is healthy. my work pays me to complete specific things, not fill in someone's social circle because they need a trapped audiance to maintain friendships. i was lucky in my current org to have a manger who caught a situation like you describe happening to me and take zero nonsense from the other person. and now that i've worked with that expectation, with someone who would enforce that, i'm not willing to consider my persoanl life part of what the org is paying for.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 day ago

"What's wrong?"

"You keep pestering me when I want some quiet time."

You've got to be realistic about things.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Become their best friend. Setup a hang out outside of work in the worst part of town. Don't show up. Make excuses. Do it again next week. Do it again until they hate you.

Just kidding. Set boundaries and pray the respect them. If they don't buy a valve stem key for tires. Barely loosen the stem so that it takes 3-4 days for their tires get flat. Repeat until they lose their job.

Just kidding. Stay in the basement, get fired for missing work, become homeless, get a job somewhere else.

There we go... juuuuust right.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

going to HR over this seems ridiculous

It's not.

More to the point, you should do so before he beats you to it, complaining that you're not being a "team player" or something.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Lol, what? WTF kind of advice is this?

NO. You talk him like a peer and respectfully say "stop," you don't run to the fucking work police and try to get his ass in trouble because he's annoying you and you never told him you were annoyed. Why would you complain to HR because someone annoyed you when they don't even know they did it?

Sure, let's just escalate this shit and make his life worse, guarantee he'll be pissed off at you because you didn't react like a reasonable person, you did what the institution that most alienates you from your humanity suggested ( your workplace, complain to HR), and make the entire situation worse than it ever needed to be. Let's just jump to firing the guy while we're at it, because a negative tip to HR for a person in their probationary period might be that anyway!

Fuck off with this advice.

Going to HR at this point in this situation DOES mean you aren't a team player. It's like shooting your teammate's knee out instead of passing the baton if you were running in a relay race.

Talk to the man like a human.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 day ago

My coworker put up a sign that says, "I don't have time to chat."

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