Ask Lemmy

The longest relationship I ever had: the person would say the craziest, most off-the-wall things in the world. I though they had no sense at all. Then I realized that whenever they said that sort of thing, they would be carefully observing how people reacted. That person frequently asked me for advice, but rarely took it, which was infuriating. Then I realized that they asked lots of people for advice, and carefully considered them all. Eventually I understood that person had solid grades despite serious life distractions, was an excellent judge of character, and was really good at making difficult decisions.

So I guess my point is: there's all kinds of smarts, and it can be hard to tell who's got em good.

Intelligence is important, but I think even more important is curiosity and an open mind. There are lots of really smart people who are also closed-minded insufferable know it alls. And if they’re not curious about learning new things, new perspectives, and exploring this amazing world we live in: then what even is this all about?

moooist

it was important for me. i needed a partner near my own wavelength. a person who could challenge me...someone who can see through my bullshit

My husband would not describe himself as smart, but I think it’s probably because he never cared enough about school. He is pretty book smart and has a huge vocabulary in both his native and second language (his second is English, my native, and it’s fucking nuts to me that he’s got a wider English vocabulary than 70% of the kids I went to high school with), but he was just never into academia.

He is significantly smarter than he realizes though. He remembers every good tip or life hack he comes across, so he’s got a wide range of perfected methods for cutting onions, hanging pictures, keeping your place organized, etc.

He’s also very observant about me, to the degree that he literally knows me better than I know myself (I’m autistic and masked well my entire life until I immigrated to a new country and could really get weird without anyone stopping me). I tend to not care about things being right for me as long as they’re not wrong wrong. He’s noticed foods I don’t really like, routines I’m not aware of, and he is stupid good at turning me on (I tried lots of different phrasings here, I’m sorry it still sounds ick).

He DMs in dnd, and he’s so good at it. I tried dming once and realized that it was the equivalent of using your weekends to train for a marathon vs doing beer league soccer (dming vs being a PC). I just don’t want to work that hard while having fun. He has no issue keeping track of dozens of plot hooks or stat blocks and he incorporates new information from the PCs into his story as he goes. I don’t think it’s possible to be a really good DM without being smart (or at least about as smart as the players, and we’ve played with some pretty smart people and with kids, who are wayyy more creative/hard to predict than adults).

I want to go on, but at some point, he’d feel like this is TMI, so I’ll stop now.

I always looked for partners who were academically talented first (well, first for intelligence, I do think kindness is more important), and I’m so glad I was open to people who don’t make that their whole shtick, because I don’t deserve a husband this wonderful.

Among the most important attributes, if not the most important. There has to be some physical attraction and usually that is what gets things going but it's sometimes surprising how other attributes become more important as the relationship develops. Charisma and humour is huge. Creativity and skill is a massive turn on. Kindness and self awareness, vital. These are often dependent on or related to the base level of intelligence.

It changes over time, too. As a young man, I devoted very little consideration to intelligence but those weren't really relationships, mostly sex cosplaying as a relationship.

There are so many different types of intelligence, and so many different ways of judging them. Someone's intelligence can vary so much even on a day to day basis based on if they get enough sleep, their blood sugar, stress levels, hormones, health issues, distractions, etc etc. I used to put SO MUCH stock in intelligence but as I've gotten wiser I've realized it doesn't matter if they can solve math problems quickly or have a big vocabulary or specialized in a niche field of science or got an advanced degree etc etc. I learned that as long as a partner is good at problem solving and makes good decisions, none of the rest matters. Are the decisions they are making consistently making their and other's lives better? Are they able to tackle hurdles when they come between them and their goals? If the other pieces of compatibility are there then that's really all that's important.

Not nearly as important as ethics.

Dont gotta be super smart, just have a good attitude and curiosity. I want to build a life together, not cure cancer.

It has always been the most important. Now I’m gonna say something that usually results in people telling me I’m arrogant and sincerely this isn’t arrogance it’s just fact: I’m extremely intelligent. And I could not really have a spouse who wasn’t. When my wife and I met we both found such relief because we both feel this way. She’s highly intelligent and that was the most attractive quality to me.

I recognize though that it’s not the only quality of merit. She’s also extremely kind and loving and supporting, and independent of intelligence those too are extremely attractive and praiseworthy. I guess really I wish everyone could simply find a person who they are attracted to in many many respects. That’s the best foundation I think.

Common sense, maturity, humility, and curiosity are all extremely important to me in a partner. Whether my potential partner is book smart is significantly less important to me than whether they treat others with respect and wanting to improve themselves.

With the superficial stuff out of the way, the bottom line is that the thing that matters most is whether or not I want to spend my limited time with them.

Very important.

• I want to be with someone I enjoy talking to.

• I admit that I couldn't bring much to the sort of relationship where intelligence isn't particularly important.

• Intelligence is heritable to a significant extent, which is important in case children are produced.

One downside (in a sense) is that this approach will probably lead to two very career-oriented people being together, which causes some problems.

Edit: I'm saying this as someone who is significantly above average on the sort of intelligence measured by SATs.

Intelligence is important, but big muscle is importanter.

If everyday anomalies and unanswered questions don't drive you a little batty, your willful ignorance will start to become annoying.

If you can't have a reasonably equal exchange of ideas, that's a deal breaker. You don't have to be Stephen Hawking brilliant to have a decent conversation, but you have to be able to understand the important concepts in your partner's life (work, politics, religion, hobbies, or whatever else) and then meaningfully engage with them on those things.

More intelligence than that CAN be a bonus, but less... seems like that would lead to a lack of fulfillment.

Extremely, stupid people are boring. Give me a 5/10 PhD student.

Essential.

I don't want to be close to people who: are unable to follow a simple reasoning, consistently assume things that they cannot reliably know, have an 8-or-80 mindset, or conflate their wishes with reality. Because people like this turn the lives of the ones around them into living hells.

Note: I'm talking about intelligence as "ability to reason". I'm not talking about the set of knowledge that the person amassed over time, or ability to memorise stuff.

Yeah not only intelligent but a curious and inquisitive mind. I need someone fun to be with who will challenge me and have cool conversations with. If they're not willing to learn new things then that's pretty boring.

You can't fix stupid.

I think it's important to be on a similar level - to laugh at jokes together and appreciate learning from one another.

I wish you were more specific, there's multiple types of intelligence.

I think middle-of-the-road intelligence is fine for me. I find there are some downsides to dating either end of the spectrum. I avoid dating people who either don't have informed opinions or lean too heavily on intellectual topics like an armchair philosopher without an off switch. Both are incredibly boring to me.

equally intelligent, just in a different field. this way, you can always learn from another, while never competing with knowledge. this also means you both need to be curious and interested about each others stuff, which is just as important as intelligence.

It used to not matter that much to me, as long as they were basically normal intelligence or higher. But I have found that men do not really like dating women who are much smarter than them. And the conversation tends to be more interesting with smarter men. So I hold out for men who are pretty intelligent.

With women, it's never factored negatively into our relationship so any intelligence level in women would be fine, at approximately normal intelligence or above. And same for nonbinary/agender people too.

I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone, who would not be capable of understanding the things I like thinking and talking about, so a lot less intelligent partner would be a problem. I would also not want to feel like I have nothing to offer intellectually to my partner, so the ideal is to be in the same league. I can theoretically imagine some kind of combination of one partner being less intelligent but also outstanding in another department that the other partner is lacking.

When choosing a partner, how important is intelligence to you?

everything

I love reading and playing Chess. Writing is a personal passion and maaan do I love to talk about psychology, sociology, and the larger sciences. At the same time I do enjoy exercise such as hiking and exploring in general, though I need someone to pull me out to actually do these things. Otherwise, I'll stay home and read, play games, and continue to learn the motherfucking piano, which is proving to be a nice challenge.

Intelligence here is simply someone who is curious and driven enough to ask questions. Solid +3 modifier to sexiness if they're smarter than me. Like, let me listen to you talk about amphibians, historical setbacks, or how a geological formation potentially created a series of tunnels full of mystery and allure. I eat that shit up.

Super important. I'm an idiot, and if we both are stupid we'll be in serious trouble.

Depends what one means by intelligence.

It's not what you know / think that's important to me. It's how you think.

I prefer smart women that don't need to rub it in your face. Dated a woman who is incredibly book smart, doctorate in neuroscience, funny, sexy, pedagogic, and very confident and strong. Never makes you feel stupid because you don't know something. I miss her.

I like them really dumb so they really like me.

I think there's something to be said for being able to show somebody you love a thing that you love for the first time, so I don't necessarily want someone who's so intelligent that they're jaded to the world. However, after dating a man who was on the level of "Winter lasts as long as the Christmas season, spring starts in January," I realized that doesn't apply to basic facts about the world. I also don't want someone dumb enough to try and reject those basic facts about the world when questioned. I'm not really looking for a specific level of education, just someone who's interested in learning more about the world.

Very. There are different types of intelligence though and I don't want someone with the exact same intelligence strengths as me. That's boring. I want some different but complementary intelligence; I like learning from people and I like when a partner us open to learning about my passions. Like a nicely overlapping venn diagram.

Also, I like a person who likes venn diagrams and other data visualization tools.

I'd say 25% intellicence, 30% being a nice person and aligning with my ethics. 15% being funny, 5% looks, 15% not having off-putting things like smelling bad. and 20% being compatible with me to live under one roof. In the end we also need to love and respect each other. And I agree with the other comments that there are different kinds of intelligence. First of all you can be book-smart, handy, considerate, open-minded, ... and there is emotional intelligence. But lots of people I met are intelligent in one way or another. Have different interests and things they're good at. I'm fine with any of that. As long as there is something. I occasionally meet people who are completely dull. But that's rare. But I need some intelligence and interest in things as a basis for conversations.

It’s not super important but there is definitely a floor

This is going to sound so bad, but I can't look for someone smarter without limiting my options too much, just as I am tall for a lady in my area so can't make taller than me a requirement.

So: smart enough to be funny, to understand the things I talk about? To understand how money works , live in the world easily, not stupid? Competent in some area, different from what I am good at? Required. Smart enough that I think "wow you are smart!" Not a consideration. I do think I assign extra 'points' to intelligence, it makes someone more attractive, but it's not something I need as much as I need kindness and open mindedness, and in myself I value those qualities more too.

Very. Not saying that I need them to be extremely intelligent, but should be at/around the same level as me, and have similar interests as me. Otherwise conversations would be more difficult?

It's not incredibly important as long as we agree on the big life stuff.

A previous partner of mine wasn't the sharpest egg in the attic but we got along stellar with the exception that we disagreed on some big choices.

Edit: bulb -> egg because I am a dummy lol

Aside from the issue of age of course, if they're intelligent enough to understand the relationship and what it means, then they can make the list.

I think intelligence/personality are about even for me. I think I would not have rejected my wife if she were average intelligence, but the fact that she has a science background, and the quick way she thinks are part of the package that I fell for. So I will say very important, but not the most important.