this post was submitted on 08 May 2024
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[–] [email protected] 16 points 5 months ago (6 children)

I've been reading a lot of stories on Reddit about people who are caretakers for elderly relatives and there are an alarming number of people who are the victims of abusive relationships with their parents - often being groomed from childhood to care for their parents and grandparents at the expense of their own lives. It does make me wonder how many examples of elder abuse are the result of people who have been victimised hitting back.

Coercive control is generally talked about in terms of romantic relationships but it is a major theme in the way a lot of these people have been treated by their parents/families. There was one woman who was put into a caretaking role for her grandmother when she was 12 and raised with the expectation that caring was her only role in life - to the extent that she was pushed to become a nurse so that she would be able to provide full time nursing care for her grandmother in the future.

The worst part is that a lot have had all their options taken away - they have given up their working lives so have no money and no employment history, they have not had a chance to establish relationships and families of their own, and staying in an abusive caretaking relationship is the only reason they are not homeless. There are so many parallels to the experience of "battered wives" who eventually retaliate against their abuser.

I'm not sure there is any real solution to the mess that is human relationships, but hopefully the increased awareness of coercive control will help people recognise it in all sorts of relationships and increase the support available to people to get out of them.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (2 children)

My father raised my sister and I to be completely dependant on him, so much so that he actively kept us from learning about the world.

I didn't make a friend until I was 14 years old. I wasn't allowed to have friends. We were locked in the house. Only allowed to go to school and shopping which we were escorted to and from. We were prisoners.

Plus the violence and emotional abuse.

The damage he did to me in particular, led me down an incredibly bad path because I literally didn't know better.

He died alone.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 5 months ago (2 children)

He died alone.

I just wanted you to know the power of that statement shook the room I'm sitting in.

The same will happen to my mother, if you can call her that.

Fuck emotionally abusive parents. Why have a kid if your just gonna abuse/neglect 'em?

[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago

Why have a kid if your just gonna abuse/neglect 'em?

That's why. That's what they think relationships are.

The worst get enjoyment from abusing others.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago

I'm sorry you had to go through that. 🫂

Families can be awful to each other, but we seem to have a bizarre cultural blind spot to abuse that occurs beyond childhood (as well as to the real ongoing impacts of that abuse). Once you are an adult people tend to act as if everything is a misunderstanding that can be resolved through some stereotyped Hallmark movie moment and all old people are assumed to be sweet and innocent. No, some people are just awful and they don't magically change once they hit a certain age. People dying alone is often blamed on a cold and uncaring society but in reality it can also be people lying in the bed they made for themselves.

If we want to make meaningful changes in our society we need to accept that multiple different stories can be true and relationships are complicated - people can be both victims and perpetrators, they can have good relationships with some people and bad relationships with others and single cookie cutter responses based on unrealistic stereotypes often do as much (or more) harm as they do good.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (2 children)

This is absolutely so true and very rarely acknowledged or talked about. Both men and women can be abusive and commit coercive control in family relationships. The key attribute is an abuser will choose a victim they find vulnerable and work to keep them that way. For men it might be a female partner, for women they will often do it to a child or an elder. Male to female romantic relationships is visible but talking about other kinds of family coercive control is often laughed at or disbelieved, or worst of all, accepted as cultural norm. It is very very real and creates life long trauma for the victims. I think people who had normal childhoods can never really understand how toxic and devoid of love some parents can be.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago (1 children)

@RustyRaven @briongloid i've seen versions of this on my family and my mother wanted me to fit into this role when my dad died.
My cousin was adopted for this reason inmind basically an indentured servant to her adopted family. She had 4 older siblings with a ton of money that could easily afforded to put mom in a nursing home. Instead she had to do elder care until my auntie passed away from Alzheimer's. No family of her own, worked in retail for a day job to support herself.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago (1 children)

It looks to be a fairly common situation - hopefully the reddit sub is a self-selected group with a higher than normal number of people in that position, but so many people posting there are miserable and feeling trapped. I went on there looking to get a bit more of an idea of what caring will be realistically like (I'm intending to care for my mother in future) and was not really prepared for the sheer volume of people who are being abused and don't realise it. I mean I love my Mum, but I would not care for her if it would leave me broke and homeless, and if she develops dementia and starts to scream 24/7 or smear her own shit all over the walls she's going into a home. No one should be in a position where they feel they have no choice but to live like that.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (7 children)

@RustyRaven yeah we villianize nursing homes but I've yet to see a situation where elder care turns out to be an actually a healthy relationship between the adult children and thier parents.
I want it work, if I had a better relationship with my mother I'd do more if it.

Also this lenses given more meaning to the 'old maids' of previous centuries. We're they unmarriageable? or did thier parents intend on having a full time caregiver in thier dotage and 'groom' them to become caregivers?

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (1 children)

There are so many parallels to the experience of “battered wives” who eventually retaliate against their abuser.

What happens is there is a tipping point when women become physically stronger than men. It's because women continue to do physical work around the house and men lose their testosterone and do no exercise. It's around age 65-70.

and increase the support available to people to get out of them.

family support is the best way but what happens is abusers tend to isolate their victims

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Some abusers do worse than isolate their victims, they manage to get others on side supporting their abuse. In romantic relationships it might take the form of acting charming and winning over the family with public displays of affection so that when the partner expresses concern about problems their own family dismiss them. In parent/child relationships it can take the form of treating one child as a scapegoat so the whole family learn to treat them differently - a lot of the stories in the caretaking forum have people with extended families all presuring them to stay in abusive caretaking relationships while they offer nothing but criticism and blame the caretaker for being "selfish" if they ask for any support. Escaping abuse from one person is hard enough, when your entire family joins in it would be near impossible ☹️

[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

I walked away from my family of origin. Parent and sibs. I refuse to play the role they have assigned me. I am not that person.

They responded with surprise and scorn. They know why.

I do worry for my bro who has been doing caring for elderly father, I did offer alliance, friendship and help but he declined.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I suppose to a very mild degree I'm going through this.

When I go to the p's (in their late 70's) down the bellarine i'm expected to shop, cook, clean, garden, maintain the house (ladders, heavy stuff).

We all get along well (usually).

The benefit I get is free use of the place no questions asked. The reward is proximity to beach, can grow stuff, it's an escape and the solitude is bliss etc.

So far it hasn't strained relationships. It is control, but the reward is something I'm glad I never threw away. Mental health wise that place has been amazing. Sure you have to do stuff. Some risky, some cumbersome and you can't say no.

My brother on the hand has refused to care and the resentment from p's is real.

I'm not sure where my mind stands on the matter.

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 5 months ago (5 children)

I've accidentally trained someone that when she bonks me with her head she gets a treat. Good times lol

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I wish I was a crow. I'm only 2km away from somewhere I need to go via crow, but 4km by car or 6km by PT

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago (2 children)

It took 38 minutes there, and 46 back, getting there involved 3 connections across 2 modes of public transport (excluding walking). Returning was just 1 mode, but did involve ~25ish minutes of walking because the schedules didn't line up

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 5 months ago (7 children)

Aw he hates me so much. Look at the loathing written all over his face

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 5 months ago (4 children)

Update on my wallet

Found it when I got home!

Thank goodness that’s a relief!

Maybe it’s good karma if you believe in it as I returned a set of car keys to someone who dropped them before I left work.

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 5 months ago (5 children)

jayyysus stuck my nose in a google search for the first time in a long time and the fucking thing is unusable now

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago (4 children)

More and more species of human made services are falling victim to this mysterious illness many call enshittification. There's no known cure, but is spreading rapidly among impacted populations.

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I think I'm going to do it. I'm going to betray my barber and find another one.

I can't do these places that only accept walk-ins. I want to book a time and get it over and done with.

I don't want to sit in a barber's for an hour watching a Ministry of Sound playlist waiting to get my hair cut

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago (3 children)

I managed to get a rare shot of both my snoozy pets in the same frame!

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (1 children)

One more for all my fellow crazy cat ladies (and gents)...

Here's Mr Snowy, who's sitting beside me on the couch, and not too amused about being photographed:

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago

Misha is intrigued! (Cerys refuses to uncoil)

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago (3 children)

I accidentally left my teaspoon in the office kitchen when I washed my dishes the other night. I didn't realise until I went to eat my lunch just now. Went to the kitchen, and it was still there! Three days later!

I don't know what the odds of a teaspoon vanishing in an office kitchen are on any single day, but they must be over 50% across three days. I was lucky!

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago (1 children)

You're lucky, at my work teaspoons and spoons are a commodity here.

They get replaced on a regular basis and within weeks they all go missing.

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago

Eric Bana could have been a huge Hollywood top shelf A lister and had a huge cinematic career but chose a work/life balance and be happy.

Damn him.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (7 children)

Strange question: How do you ask for a nice big warm hug from your partner without ASKING. I feel like a need some spontaneous affection, like I come home and just get a bear hug or something. But asking totally ruins the feeling of the surprise. Coffee is like a lukewarm limp handshake for the soul, but I will take it!

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago (2 children)

Maybe say to her "sometimes I really want a hug without asking so when I put my arms out would you be ok with that". If you do that often enough it becomes habit.

I feel sad you have to ask for a hug but if you don't communicate with your partner then they don't know what you want.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (3 children)

Also important to recognise you might have different "love languages".... Yours might be physical touch and theirs might be words of affirmation for example... Which is the case for us. I actually need to remind myself that my partner needs me to hug her.....

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago

wooooo. Today we had

  • plumber to put in pressure reducer and new lever ceramic swishy tapware
  • Cerycat to vet for checkup
  • shitload of servers to complete and ship to nz

last now done, hubs at vet with cat, tapware completed, I'm having a bloody cuppa

[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago (9 children)

I did not have brain worms on my politics bingo card. 🧠🪱🪱🪱

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago

No work for me today - colon went boom about an hour before I was due to start and my clients were a 97 yo and another household where both the client and the carer have autoimmune issues, so I phoned in and said 'it could be moving stress or it could be something, what do?' I was told very firmly regardless to Stay Home.
Back to the packing!

[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago

Miss Meow is snoring away loudly in her tunnel tonight, so Mr Woof has taken over her bed in the corner. I think he's decided it's a good spot to look through the window and keep an eye out for marauding possums in the backyard.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 6 months ago

Thank you Brion.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I guess I'll hang my feet off the side of the bed then

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago (11 children)

They have changed the shape of Strepsils. I don’t recall having given permission for this.

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago (2 children)

This gentle pitter pat rain is perfect for the garden. Was looking a bit dry.

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I've been getting to sleep super early (around 8/9pm) for over a week, and it's been going well, it's nice to be awake for sunrise. But tonight it just wasn't working. Tossed and turned from 8 until 10, finally got to sleep sometime around 10:30 or maybe 11, then had a bad dream and scared myself awake by 4. Can't get back to sleep, so I guess my day starts now

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago

Up early after Zooks woke me up by sitting on my shoulder, so I decided I'd tackle some more clearing and sorting.
Last day of work before the move. Kinda wish I'd taken this week off as well, but I suspect I would have faffed around more if I had. Plus I wouldn't have scored free cat food from one of my clients after her cat sadly died.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Was awake at 4am and grabbed to cat for a cuddle in bed. Cat fell asleep cuddled up. Cat suddenly wakes up some time later, and leaps into the air off the bed. Lucky I only got a small scratch.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago (1 children)

My spicy cat came in for snuggles at 4am too. Very unusual behaviour from her. She ended up with her front paw on my mouth, but I couldn't move because snuggles!

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago

Miss Meow has been coming in for cuddles a lot more now that the weather is cooling down. I sleep on my side so she usually curls up on top of me. She's pretty good at moving off if I roll over and then climbing back on again, but if I move too much she either curls up at the end of the bed or leaves the room entirely. If she is still there in the morning she is generally displaced by Mr Woof's enthusiastic jumping when he decides it is time to get up.

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