This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.
Be warned:
If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.
Try ordering at a french breakfast joint if you want to learn what true humiliation feels like. Having your French criticized by an unexpectedly persistent native speaker is unforgettable. I ordered coffee not crepes, you pretentious Italian-derivative median fish in the world’s tiniest pond. I see you snickering. Who orders a raspberry coffee? Guillaume, if you’re reading this, I hope you never eat a decent croissant again for the rest of your life.
Your first mistake was to speak in a language which randomly decides to have some extra letters which it doesn't pronounce.
Like english?
Yes, but much worse.
There's nothing worse in terms of pronunciation than English. French is silly for writing twice as much as what's pronounced, but at least it mostly follows some rules.
Doesn't english just get that from being three languages in a trench coat?
One of which is French, yes.
The one at the bottom who is supposed to just fucking walk but keeps threatening the stability of the whole thing by randomly blurting out nonsense.
In the dimly lit boudoir, she sat at her ornate bureau, perusing an array of gourmet hors d'oeuvres, contemplating which avant-garde piece from her repertoire to perform at the soirée, her silhouette an epitome of haute couture elegance. Meanwhile, her fiancé, a connoisseur of fine arts and a critic of the bourgeoisie's penchant for laissez-faire economics, prepared a detailed critique on the nuances of ballet and the je ne sais quoi of modern art installations, embodying the esprit de corps of their eclectic salon.
Statements dreamed by the utterly deranged.
"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." --James D. Nicoll
What’s so wild is that, as a native speaker, there are SO many rules and edge cases and exceptions…. And I know them by heart without ever being told them explicitly. First example that comes to mind is the whole order of adjectives…. We say big fluffy purple cat, never purple fluffy big cat.
I can't imagine trying to teach that or explain it in a way that would be satisfactory to someone learning English.
"I don't KNOW, its just how we do it!"
I learnt English as my second (technically third) language. Other two languages I know are written and spoken exactly the same.
So take it from me, French pronunciation can be baffling or straight up ridiculous at times. English has got nothing on it. I don't care if French aren't heureux at this comment.
They are baffling and ridiculous but they are consistent in that. Once you learn one baffling and ridiculous rule, you can successfully apply that rule to correctly pronounce almost any new word you've never encountered before. Eaux is a stupid fucking way of writing "o" to be sure, but at least you will always immediately know how to pronounce it without ever having to guess, or hear it from someone else. Meanwhile in English you write "read" but you pronounce it "read".
There are of course exceptions, but show me one language in the world that has none.
I am now very competent in Spanish and making no progress in French. Real speakers sound nothing like the classroom. It's so frustrating. I feel like the French are all mumbling with Nutella in their mouths, but my tutor is clear as a bell.
French literally has rules with more exceptions than things that apply to the rule.
I am currently learning French and what gets me is how much of the French language is contextual for its meaning
Exactly like English!
I was at a Hard Rock Café in Paris (yes I know they're overpriced, but the historic stuff on the walls is pretty cool), and I hobbled my way through a conversation in my very basic French, before adding a little self-deprecating "je suis désolée, mon Français est mauvais", to which he replied "yes, it is a bit shit".
I laughed, he laughed, my other half laughed, I paid over the odds for a pint, the French dude got a kick out of pointing out the flaws in my attempts, everyone went on their day.
I tried to learn some French as I was trecking through and ordered a beer
He immediately said, I should stay with German, if I can't speak French, because I gendered the fucking beer wrong (neutral in German, female in French)
It's frustrating. I kinda get it though - the French are proud of their language, and if they've got well-meaning travellers coming through and butchering it in new and inventive ways (particularly in high tourism areas) day in, day out... I can see how it would be grating.
I was in Starbucks on the outskirts of Paris, and ordered by drink in pigeon French, and the barista answered me in English. I answered her question in French, and she answered me in English. This went on for a couple more exchanges before we both laughed at how absurd it was - I asked "is my French really that bad?" and she just says "no your French is fine, but I can speak English better". Fair enough.
I have heard though that outside of Paris though, people are far more appreciative of someone learning the language, to the point of being brutal with it. A friend was out in the North of the country, the locals loved that he was learning, but then let him absolutely sink when he reached a stage of a conversation where he was struggling. They could quite easily have bailed him out in English, but in fairness they made him think that little bit faster to make him learn.
Maybe it's a difference in culture (US being a multicultural nation by definition), but I cannot relate to this at all. I would never dream of mocking a non-native speaker for attempting to order in English. I worked in retail and food service when I was younger, and dealt with foreigners constantly, and not once did I ever feel the need to berate them for getting a word wrong. Fuck all that.
Same here. Communication is difficult enough without willfully letting someone flounder. And English can get pretty broken but remain intelligible. If speak like Cookie Monster, still understand what say.
Ah yes Paris, the worst place of France
I'm a stereotypical metalhead, with the all black clothes, long hair, and monster tshirts and I have no problem ordering goofy shit. I'll get the fruitiest drink they have and down it with my pinky up, no problem.
But remember. Most stereotypical metalheads know that their masculinity isn't defined by something like this. I've seen metalheads with beards and long hair absolutely slay in skirts and dresses.
I really love when "the stereotypical metalhead" is pulled out for masculinity comparisons because most I know don't give a shit about masculinity and just want to be themselves. And I love that.
If a cute and goofy name of a pancake can make someone insecure for ordering it, then they suffer really huge insecurities.
I have my own insecurities as well, but a funny food name isn't really that bad. Or bad at all. Idk where I'm going with this.
But remember. Most stereotypical metalheads know that their masculinity isn’t defined by something like this. I’ve seen metalheads with beards and long hair absolutely slay in skirts and dresses.
I don't doubt it. A mosh pit is a great leg workout.
Maybe im the weird one, but I will happily order stuff like the "rooty tooty fresh 'n' fruity pancakes" exactly as named on the menu with a huge grin on my face. Or if im feeling silly, I'll ask for it with a completely deadpan monotone while looking the waiter in the eye.
If you're already at IHOP to begin with, saying "rooty tooty fresh 'n fruity" does not increase your level of shame.
Customer walks out, goes to a non-corporate local diner where they call them "Fruit Pancakes"
I loved that skit on CollegeHumor. https://youtu.be/gwChStnnidA
Well that got darker than I was expecting
Anything suboptimal is unacceptable.
Source: have ordered at a restaurant before
(Actually once a server told me there might be a group of 20 people and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them will wait for the server to say “…and would you like hash browns or home fries? Wheat or white toast? Buttered or butter on the side?” to EVERY one of them. Thanked me when I picked up after the two people before me were asked to specify a couple things, then explained that.)
See the way I look at it is, the question of what sides you want is part of the handshake specified by the protocol. You order your main dish, and then the server confirms that you ordered correctly by asking what sides you want. If you expected to be asked about sides and the server fails to confirm, then you need to engage in error correction. "Did that come with sides?" "Oh you wanted the full meal, not the a la cart."
"I want the three piece menu"
"we do not have a three piece menu"
"It says so on the poster right above your head"
"Oh, you want the threesome. Gotcha"
Probably because they don't, and this is made up is my guess.
This is probably an exaggeration of "is pepsi okay" and analogues, the employee doesn't want to screw up the order by a potential misunderstanding