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First off, thank you for reaching out. I lost two friends to self destruction, and I'd hate to see anyone else go down that path without any true understanding. You are loved, you are special, you are everything.
I see that you said you're an old adult, yet in another comment you say you're 35. That's still quite young (I'm 47). You've got a long way to go, and believe me, it gets better with the right frame of mind. I would encourage you to start listening (or reading) to Alan Watts. The man saved my life (I was certainly on the precipice about 6 years ago), and not only that, but he helped me realize who I really am inside. There is a lot of his lectures on YouTube.
If you like lofi/hip hop, I would definitely check out Akira the Don's Wattswave albums (II, IV, V, and VI), available on YouTube. It takes a lot of Alan's works and summarizes them into easily-digestible beats. I started on IV, but II and V is my favorite.
From there, I listened to his other lectures as well as getting into philosophy, mostly Eastern, especially the Tao and Zen Buddhism. If that scratches an itch, here are some of my current favorites...
Books:
Video:
Remember that you are loved, even if it's just from a stranger on the internet.
You're a nice human being. But I'm sorry reading never did ANYTHING for me. I don't read anymore, I would trade being more ignorant over getting some of satisfaction in my life.