bradorsomething

(Washington DC) As the trump administration continues - to the cheers of republicans and the dismay of Americans - to dismantle the government bureaucracy and insult nations around the world, news has surfaced of a bright moment that should unify the nation in acceptance. Marc Fogle, an American school teacher held in russia over possession of a small amount of medical marijuana, has been held for three year in russian jails; however, direct talks between trump and russian president vladimir putin quickly led to the release of Fogle, who enjoyed a tearful embrace with his family this week. Americans on both sides, however, are not sure how to react.

“I don’t see how this hurts democrats,” said Doug Crabler, a Columbus, Ohio temporary assembly line hire. “Sure his family is happy, but what if one of them voted for Harris? Also, what did we trade for, no one is talking about that?”

“Yeah, this seems like a distraction from DOGE getting rid of them useless government employees,” said one coworker, not aware that weakened labor laws were decreasing wages at the plant. “I mean, it’s good, but it might not help us get rid of all those extra state department guys if they look good with things like this.”

Democratic voters are also torn in their response. “I’m happy for Marc and his family,” said Betty Schluster, a lifelong democratic voter. “But I don’t know how to take this. Can trump do something good? On purpose? I’m having trouble rectifying that idea in my head with everything else going on. Also, what was traded? Why is no one talking about that part?”

The trump administration, who touts the release as a good sign towards ending the war in Ukraine, claims “not much” was given in return. Betty Schluster was not impressed by that response. “Okay, that is normal trump again, refusing to say what we gave and trying the release to the war in Ukraine. I’m just trying to wrap my head around him doing something noble… there has to be a way this hurts people.”

Doug Crabler agreed: “there has to be a way this hurts people,” he said confidently.

(Washington DC) As the republican party continues to deliver on their campaign promises in a rapid yet still slow-motion-trainwreck manner, cracks are beginning to show in party unity. As the republicans move to buy Greenland and rename it “Red, White, and Blueland,” opposition is starting to emerge from inside the party, with representatives “loosely attached to and partially funded in times of need” by Mountain Dew, a subsidiary of Pepsi. These representatives (and one republican senator) are not happy about the change, and are vocal.

“When I think of Greenland, I think of the cool, refreshing taste of Mountain Dew,” said one member of the appropriately named Baja Blast Caucus. “It doesn’t matter if you are snowboarding or watching massive sheets of ice slide into the sea, it should be done with the color green firmly in mind. With this in consideration, we have proposed the name be changed instead to The Great Taste of Mountain Dew Original Land.”

Mountain Dew, known for it’s sugary soda and brief, disastrous sponsorship of childhood obesity, “sponsors” 8 members of congress, and is said to be looking to hire more, for problems exactly like this one. “Greenland was already named to deceive settlers once,” said one Mountain Dew representative, “and once is enough. I mean who’s going to pay a representative to fight for red white and blue, the popsicle lobby?” He thought for a minute. “Well, maybe the Chinese flag manufacturing lobby. I didn’t think of that.”

Already competition is strong for renaming cities in the country as well. “Reykjavik is hard to pronounce,” a confused republican congresswoman declared. “We should rename it Freedomtown. Or maybe Nestle.”

Danish officials could not be reached for comment on the naming rights of their territories.

(Beijing, China) Not even a month into the administration, the policies of donald trump have quickly sought to remake the US government in his interests. As government agencies shutter, international aid stops, and unneeded enemies are made from allies, one international competitor is spinning trying to keep up.

“We thought 60 years to be the dominant power,” says one Chinese official that asked we will call Win to protect his identity. “This shit is ridiculous, slow down and let us catch up, this is too fast.”

Win, one of many Chinese officials working to bring China to world supremacy, is one of many in the Chinese government alarmed with the rapid, some would say spirally out-of-control, behavior of the trump regime. “Under a normal US President, we would work twenty years to place a bug in his office. We sent a dozen off brand air tags to his office in a white envelope last week, spray painted gold and saying ‘trump + appil’ on them. He put them on all his luggage. We misspelled Apple!” He took a hard drag on his cigarette. “This is like throwing babies in a shark tank. Too easy, not fun.”

Pacific Rim countries also feel the whip lash as the balance quickly changes. “America still has the larger military,” said one Philippine general, “but how fast can you drive a Lamborghini on quaaludes? I mean, American ships go through our waters all the time,” he rationalized. “Maybe the Chinese just really want a base and prostitutes, like the Americans.

China hawks in Congress are also distracted by the problems at home. “Did you know a gay man could have sat on the same toilet as me in the Congressional offices,” one republican Senator was overheard telling Lindsey Graham (R - S.C.). A gay man’s bottom and mine could have been touching… Lindsey, stop smiling, this is serious!”

How far China will go as America falters is anyone’s guess, but Win feels concern at the windfall. “America became dominant in the world very quickly as a world war ravaged most of the world but them. This administration can’t be as bad as a war killing millions, can they?” His look of concern was telling. “I hope this doesn’t turn us into an America. I want my kids to have opportunities when we seize the world and suck the marrow from its bones.”

The president’s office was trying on goofy hats and unable to comment by publish.

(Bogota, Colombia) After several difficult exchanges between the trump administration and Colombia, the gloves are off - the President of Colombia, Gustavo Petro, has announced 75% export tariffs on all cocaine leaving the country for America. This tariff, a tax to be paid on all cocaine headed to the US or with the US as its final destination, goes into effect immediately. With the increased cost, supplies are beginning to dwindle in the US; Republicans are outraged at the news.

“This is an outrage, this is unfair,” screamed the president, searching desperately through his desk for something. “This is… this is an outrage,” he repeated. “To think that… the thing… they can’t be placing… totally unfair!” This sudden response has been seen throughout the republican establishment, or at least in its members that matter.

“I for one support the president and his agenda,” said a confused Mitch McConnell, being wheeled through the capitol. “What? Cocaine? Do you have any cocaine? Oh, you’re a reporter? Then you probably don’t have any.”

McConnell, once referred to by a political rival as “Cocaine Mitch,” has been falling down stairs repeatedly in the recent week, for reasons totally not related to this story.

“But you don’t have any, though,” he added.

Surprisingly, Colombian cartels are pleased with the measure, as the tariffs will be collected, administered, and managed by the international smuggling cartels of the country. One member commented, on condition of anonymity, “it’s hard not to support good trade policy like this. I was going to, like, buy an island with all the extra money, but with all that ice melting, I kinda think I will buy the higher parts of Florida and wait.”

Economists, asked whether US production of cocaine could cover domestic demand, were surprised. “Our funding is stopped, and I have an interview at Starbucks in 10 minutes,” said one. “The US can reap what it sows.”

We can only wait to see if that reaping includes cocaine.

(Atlanta, GA) As tariffs settle into the American landscape and the stock market shows investors nervous about coming times, one bright spot is lighting the consumer market. Pepsi’s new carbonated beverage, “Pepsi Despair,” is flying off supermarket shelves, and being purchased by both liberals and conservatives alike.

“We proposed it as a joke,” said one conservative purchasing the drink at a 7-11, “and we created a lot of hype and demand for the product, thinking it would upset liberals. Well, Pepsi called our bluff… now we have to keep supporting our mistake or we look like idiots.” He opened the can and, shuddering, began drinking. “This was supposed to taste like liberal tears, but it’s more like the warm anus of a sewer rat. Still, I asked for this, and I can’t let any liberals see me admit I’m wrong, so…” he finished the can. “That was refreshing. I think this is what this country needs.”

At a supermarket, a liberal buyer was also disappointed by his product. “I’m stuck with this, but what choice do I have? Conservatives got what they want, and we are along for the ride. I’m so sorry to other countries what this product will be pushed on them whether they like it or not.” He grimaced, eyeing his case. “Republicans keep saying this is great, but anything would be better than this putrid garbage.”

While both sides - one openly and one secretly - detest the new reality, independent voters seem to be waking up to the fact they also are subjected to the same dismal slime by fiat. “I didn’t care either way,” said one, “but now I see all this crap around me, and I think some adult should be in charge. Maybe I should have paid more attention.”

Pepsi Despair will be available through 2028, if not longer.

(Washington D.C.) After two weeks of the new presidential administration, the country and the world have seen tremendous change. The US has cut off most aid, begun laying off government workers, and installing choices many call questionable into key cabinet positions. But as the snowballing consequences begin hurtling towards us for these choices, republicans remain delighted they’re happening.

“I bet them deep state spies are quaking in their boots,” said Erma Kruntz, as she nervously waited by her mailbox for her medicare check. “I’m tired of paying for so many people to sit around and make my money, not that I pay taxes, and this efficiency thing is gonna fix that.”

Kruntz, whose benefit check may be delayed by government confusion over furloughs, is not the only one cheering trump’s changes. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in North Carolina, shares similar thoughts. “We send money all over the world, while people are starving here in America. We need to take that money and use it to pay less taxes.”

Economists, however, are less optimistic. “My grant is frozen,” said one economist, “so if you give me $200, I’ll say whatever you want.”

He continued, “this $200 makes a good point; as government support goes away, experts will become more dependent on biased funding sources to give comments or do research. There’s no telling what I might do for another $200 - no talking points are off limits.”

But economists predicting that butter can become a new form of online coin does not dampen the spirits of those oh-so-innocent republican voters skipping into the deep woods of reality. “I’m really excited Bout those tariffs,” said one. “I’d love to see China pay my taxes.”

That sentiment can only be tested by the coming months.

(Internet) It has been another eventful day, as yet another disastrous event unfolded in the trump presidential administration. And as reporting outlets consolidate and coverage wanes, Americans are finding only vague coverage of the latest outrage or policy, and this leaves them as disheartened as the events themselves.

This act or policy has left many wondering what the next outrageous act or policy will be. “It feels like each one is the worst,” said one person affected, “but we know, somehow, this will be overshadowed by the next one.”

Editors are as tired as the people affected, as well. “We can only hope this article can be run again, with minimal editing,” said one editor. “This administration keeps creating these terrible events, so that we barely have time to respond. Only by creating a generalized article that seems to cover each individual event, but is really just a vague hand-wave towards it, can we hope to meet our reporting mandate with a meager budget.

Republicans, however, are delighted by the act or policy, and will strongly support it until it affects them or their families directly. “He’s just doing his job as president,” some supporter said, or will say. “This is what needs to be done.”

But experts agree that this action or policy will have dire implications in the long term. As one expert said, “you want me to give you a blanket quote that will cover most gaffs during trump’s presidency? Well… let’s see… How about saying that an adult who considered the consequences of their actions would know better.”

The president was likely golfing and unavailable for comment at news time.

(Washington D.C.) As cabinet and staff positions are filled in the new administration, emphasis is being taken to highlight how representative of America this cabinet is. But less emphasis has been given of late: the White House has been facing recent allegations that - while the major advisors do represent the diversity of America - the cabinet and staff might represent the wrong parts of America, and this realization is slowly settling on the largely, some would say mostly, white straight male truck owning voters that make up the core of the president’s support.

“Did I hear one of them is gay,” asked Leo Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Oklahoma. “I’m pretty sure someone said one of them was gay. I already got a lot of guys I know talking about how trump said they was gay, and buying up Bud Light like it was on sale, so I don’t like hearin’ about that gay guy.”

Sturbgetter refers to Richard Grinell, the experienced former acting director of the Department of National Intelligence and its newly appointed, homosexual Director. His concern was evident when the Director’s sexual preference was confirmed.

“It ain’t right,” he murmured. “It ain’t right.”

Leo’s concern has the attention of the White House, which has found its ability to laud the white male members limited. Republicans in the senate, asking not to be named, agree. “Rubio isn’t white… Noem, Stefanik and Gabbard are women… sure you can count Gaetz twice if you count his user name on Seeking.com, but that’s a lot of diversity right next to the president.”

Republicans, many convinced that diversity has damaged American’s reputation as a melting pot, call on the president to take charge and begin replacing cabinet members with people that look like them. “I know he can do better than Robert Kennedy,” said one trump voter. “First of all, Kennedy. The moon landing was fake. Second, he is trying to look red in all his photos, which is mocking the president’s orange. ROY G BIV… get back down the rainbow and choose a color that goes after our commander and chief.”

“Rainbow,” he muttered. “Man, it goes all the way to the top.”

But disjointed though the disturbed ranting of these voters may be, they still represent a strong part of the president’s base. Calls for increased representation are being heard, and beginning to be addressed. A special commission is being called by Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, to evaluate every straight white male in government, as potential candidates for filling any openings that become available.

Requests for comment on the excess diversity in the White House were not returned by Communications Director Cheung.

As trump completes his second week in office, new outlets continue to report on his bungled handling of a collision between a passenger jet and military Black Hawk. And this has America’s adversaries around the world nervous.

“I have to be missing someone we paid off,” said one Iranian official on condition of anonymity. “Do we have a speech guy, or a teleprompter guy? Do we need to send a bribe payment there?” The negative response from his staff left him disheartened. “Can we anyway,” he asked. “I’m getting a medal for this.”

This sentiment is reflected throughout America’s competitors around the globe, as intelligence agencies scramble to find out who they owe money for this flaming train wreck of ineptitude. A mid-level Chinese intelligence officer expressed his frustration. “They cut off all government grants,” he complained. “All of them. I have American researchers calling the Chinese government with papers ready to publish asking for funding.”

“I went to school for ten years learning espionage. This is like throwing babies into a shark tank. [ed. note - translation kept as appropriate]” he sighed. “Oh god, they’re starting a trade war with Columbia. I never thought I’d see my job outsourced to the US Government like this.”

And that’s a concern many former intelligence officers are noting. Much like the peace dividend of the fall of the Soviet Union decreased military spending in the West, there is the danger of a “stupid dividend” causing similar atrophy in America’s adversaries.

“I have guys in the office wearing “Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wound to America” tshirts at the office now,” said the Iranian Intelligence officer, “but they won’t be laughing when they lose their jobs.” He handed us all $10,000 each. “Here, keep reporting exactly what your government is doing to itself, but make it clear I told you to.”

The president could not be reached from his video golf game for comment.

(Washington, DC) It has been a lightning 10 days for the trump administration, as policy changes are rippling through government with a clear mandate to end what republicans view as preferential treatment of gays, transexuals, and minorities. And as these measures play out, a large number of shocked conservatives are finding that these measures, intended to hurt the groups they fear, are having immediate effects on them and their families.

“I’m 32, I work out every day, I have a wife and 3 kids,” said one midwestern man. “I drive a truck, and that tattoo right there is on installments. But I was employed 8 months at a federal job, and now I’m looking to be furloughed if not straight out fired. We were supposed to be hurting the gays. Am I gay? Is president trump telling me I’m gay? I’m confused, man.”

This confusion is becoming widespread, as virile men and strong women around the US come to terms with the challenging fact that policies they felt would hurt these specific groups are targeting them. “I suppose I could wear a dress,” said one North Dakota solar installer laid off due to proposed tariffs. “Maybe something that shows off my heels, assuming I wore heels. Man, this is confusing… I just can’t believe I’m gay. Maybe I can start in a flannel dress and go from there? When trump said he was going to start a movement, I kinda thought he just meant bigger mud flaps, not awakening things in me.”

But not all groups are despondent with the new changes. Baron Quaydal, a gay business owner in Cincinnati, sees some good in the changes. “There used to be a stigma about judging by sexual orientation, but the new administration took all this away. I’ve fired all my straight employees and a few of the bisexual low performers. Even Keith,” he sighed. “Man that’s one rehire I’d like to make, if you catch my meaning.”

“At least I know my taxes are going down,” he noted.

Social scholars, many now concerned for their jobs, have a wry - some would say sarcastic - take on the confusion. “Yep,” said one. “Gay gay gay. You’re all gay, and the sooner you catch on, the sooner you can say ‘I love president trump’ with your whole heart.”

(Washington DC) As trump enters the second week of office, issuing executive orders en masse that caused sweeping changes to the political landscape, republican leaders are becoming concerned that fear among their electorate is approaching lows not seen in four years. Lawmakers are apprehensive, as push button issues appear to be addressed by gross overreaches of power, greatly reducing the anxiety of republican voters.

“Last week,” said one aide who asked not to be named, “you could say DEI or immigrant drug pedophile, and have a turkey elected as governor of a red state. Now, although nothing has really changed, it appears to have changed… which is the worse thing we could possibly face.”

“I think we won,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Arkansas. “All that DEI is gone, trump said so. It even snowed last week. Take that, global warming.”

Signs of weakening in the power of fear are apparent in state politics, as Ron DeSantis faced pushback from his immigrant crisis special session of state government, which instead gabbled his session closed and discussed reasonable steps to meet immigrant issues in the state. “You wouldn’t see this under Biden,” the afore-mentioned aide stated. “Two weeks ago they would have barricaded the doors in case an immigrant might wander in during session. The tension is leaving the room, and with this, reasonable legislation might be a possibility.”

With paranoia that democrats would attempt to steal their idea of attacking the free transition of power fading, and an electorate so unaware how the legal process of overturning executive overreach works that they could not finish this sentence out loud, republicans are facing the worst possible circumstance as a party of opposition - the illusion of victory. “We won,” Loe Sturbgetter reiterated. “Soon eggs are gonna be cheaper than water at Walmart.”

“Republicans can only hope the democrats champion some issue soon that they can complain about,” said one legal scholar, “or there is a possibility the voting base may realize they’re been fooled. Championing the Second Amendment is only a successful strategy if the party is looking outside in fear, rather than inside in anger.”

The president could not be reached from his golf course for comment.

(Sevastopol, Ukraine) As the Fed watches carefully for signs of inflation and unions continue to fight for higher wages, the US economy has seen a new face on the hiring line - russian agents are actively calling for US workers in temporary positions, as many as 400,000.

Representatives for Worksource, Insight, ShortStaf, and many other hiring agencies around the US have been contacted to fill the order, and economists predict the pressure to fill these positions will be felt among competitors trying to fill minimum wage openings. Russia, not usually seen as a hiring choice in America, seems eager to fill positions (at minimum wage), offering free uniforms, short training periods before full employment, and lifetime health coverage for many positions. Fast food chains and other low wage employers are feeling the competition already.

“This is exciting,” said 63 year-old Peggy Bammer, of Tuscaloosa. “I’ve been stuck working at the Penny Mart for three years, I ain’t never had benefits. These russian guys say as long as I follow orders, I can probably work there the rest of my life. They were nice, they kind of laughed when I said I wasn’t used to seeing much snow [Ed. - referring to the Jan 2025 show storms in the SouthEast]. I can’t wait to see the front positions they keep referring to.”

Opposition is light among those normally hostile to russia in the US, too. As one policy expert stated, “I see this as a net win, as long as those who carefully examine the offer decide if they really want to take it. But if you believe this is for you, please go. This could lead to a strong demographic swing in the US… because these people will be so thoroughly taken care of, I mean.”