A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
“I’m sure we are all confused as to why morale has been so low these last few weeks,” Peter said, although everyone else seems to agree that the layoffs are to blame. “It’s about time we got to the bottom of this mystery. I’ve conducted a thorough search and determined that remote work is to blame.”
Are you spying at the company I work for?
We've taken away many things you liked and given you absolutely nothing. Why aren't you happy?
Wait, are we coworkers?
I'm still slightly peeved about an old CEO that was all about "making data driven decisions" but when people presented data he didn't like he'd ignore it.
"Hey a couple studies are showing that 4 day work weeks are a net positive, do you-"
"We're not doing that "
"But look at this data."
" Next question."
It's always like that. "Facts before ego", except when it's your facts and my ego.
This is why we need to replace humans workers with AI starting at the top instead of the bottom.
Bad idea. In order to get a computer to do anything useful, you must first be honest about what outcome you want. This means saying the quiet part out loud, resulting an an AI prompt something like:
Develop a business plan optimizing for shareholder value, maximizing bonus payout for top leadership, leveraging all company assets, while avoiding lawsuits that will end the company. Legal problems are okay provided they do not interfere with increasing company value. Assume full workforce productivity and minimal depreciation on assets.
What follows is a cutthroat business plan that will make a killing on Wall St. in the short run, and make everyone in said business absolutely miserable. All remaining ethics that are left at the C-level get thrown right in the trash. Also: this kills the environment.
True, but I'm hoping they just feed in their company mission and the AI goes insane trying to make sense of it
Or, we could just implement the algorithms that are already available, and not tell it to maximize shareholder value, but instead company productivity, and you'll get the most efficient companies possible.
There was an article back in 2011 that predicted that middle and upper management were already completely replaceable using management algorithms. They want the tech to replace the rest of us before they implement that level of automation.
I have no mouth and I must scream. We're already there with the stock market, we just have useless ceo's.
At a "town hall", many months ago ...
VP: We would like to hear feedback from all of you.
Me: And what would be the best way we can provide you with that feedback?
VP: ...
VP: (thinking - obviously didn't have an answer for this)
VP: ...
VP: just email me.
what he really meant was he felt really good when data backed his priors
Is this "company culture" in the room right now?
And his buddy, "collaboration".
Is he bringing his dog, Synergy?
I hear Synergy is Best of Breed
“The layoffs will continue until morale improves”
You are going to have fun, whether you like it or not.
Ok, I ate the onion on this one.
That's because at least one CEO has said this exact statement.
I mean, I assume the real article left out the "3rd round of layoffs" part.
Because I swear I’ve read similar statements. Ate the fuck out of this onion
Yeah got me too
My company had a feedback meeting (wasn't planned, but the staff are just that fed up), and it was spicy. We've not received pay reviews, management never let us give them feedback, people feel demotivated and unheard.
The CEO's solution? A new 'cameras always on' policy. SMH
Whipping will continue until morale improves
"We need more 'water cooler conversations'."
The only "work" getting talked about around the water cooler is how much we hate working here and how we're going to quit and get a job someplace that sucks less.
Or how latoffs are affecting morale and workload.
Uh, this is basically real news though. Even just this week my company asked why people aren't taking risks and submitting "side projects" and what they don't want to hear is "because four rounds of layoffs in a year has absolutely crushed anyone's willingness to do so?"
sure I am gonna devote whatever little time left to myself to do side projects for you so that you increase your chances of stumbling upon a new innovation that will make you even more rich. solid idea.
Almost ate the whole onion on this one.
The tears are made by cutting onions.
I feel like the CEO should be required to resign if they let a company get to the point where multiple rounds of layoffs are required. They need to own the failure of their decisions.
Sadly, at the board level, layoffs aren't seen as a failure. They are preferred.
Then the news should report it as if the company is doing bad. That will make the shareholders freak out.
"Company X financially looking bad, tries to compensate by laying off essential workers."
"Another round of layoffs at Company X, are they on a brink of bankruptcy?
Force you to move across the country just so they can fire you after over hiring
I'd like to think if I moved across the country to keep a job like that, that'd I'd demand something like a 2+ year contract with an exorbitantly high severance package pre-negotiated.
If it's that or get fired, may as well try, not worth uprooting for otherwise
Probably not the thing everyone thought about before the layoffs became a thing. Also probably not what a company is going to agree to, but that may even be a good thing because good riddance
Nah so they can avoid calling it a layoff
We’re a family and being forced together in an office is part of our DNA, our corporate culture of control. Because we work better together when we force you back from of a situation we previously told you was going to be the “new normal”, but since we collectively decided we stopped caring anymore we’re going to pretend we never said that.
Fucking anus.
Don't insult buttseks by comparing it to this turd of a CEO.
No it isn't, commentary about it to mask the layoffs meant to temporarily juice stock prices and discipline labor at the expense of human beings is ruining "company culture" - or at least it would if that was actually a thing.
Maybe repeated rounds of layoffs destroying company morale is what's hurting your company culture. Bunch of egomaniacs in charge...
The company culture is to fire people regularly.
It is not so fun when they are always remote.
Fuck CEO
Generally its the president not getting enough respect, most literally dont deserve any.