Asklemmy

I fell off a short bridge into a ditch, got up, started walking up out of the ditch. Realised I couldn't breathe (winded) and then fell back into the same ditch, unconscious.

Had the most psychedelic dream I've ever had, and woke up to someone tending to my wounds.

When I was in my middle school I rode my bike in a circle for 7hrs. It was on a bet for a lizard. If I could do it my dad would have to buy my a bearded dragon. I got the dragon. I had that thang on me. But he passed away

I've seen all our known planets with my own eyes, including Pluto. Not many can say that.

I have also had a wild bird land on my finger while leaning against a rail one morning; groggy, motionless, and unsuspecting. I screamed when I felt the grip of strong tiny claws and hurled it back into the sky.

I believe that still technically makes me a Disney princess.

Rode 190 kms on a unicycle one day.

I managed to knock myself unconscious and give myself a pretty nice concussion during a particularly heated pillow fight at a summer camp. Pretty sure that's about as unique a feat as I've managed thus far.

I saw the entire original broadcast run of Clerks: The Animated Series. All both episodes.

Only six episodes were produced, and they eventually aired, but I did not find this out until years later. The internet ended a longstanding era where you could be aware of and interested in something, but know fuck-all about it, and have no sensible way of learning more. So I'd heard of Kevin Smith movies - but never seen any. Watching the Clerks movie would have taken a trip to a physical video-rental store, with my parents, and then convincing them (and myself) to rent a vulgar black-and-white movie for all of us to watch together. Wasn't happening.

I was more likely to rent and watch any of the R-rated films that somehow got cartoon adaptations - which were part of that same impotent awareness. Robocop and Ghostbusters and fuckin' Starship Troopers were advertised anywhere and everywhere, and kids liked the shallow cool parts in the trailers, so executives said "fuck it" and licensed no-budget G-rated spinoffs to sell toys.

Anyway. The Clerks animated series exists because Disney wanted an adult-ish show to compete with The Simpsons. Everyone did. Disney knew they had a gap in their demographics for twenty-something dorks with disposable income. Aaand then they handed the finished episodes to ABC, who used a focus group of old farts and children. Of course it bombed. The premiere was the fourth episode produced, which stuck the characters in a courtroom drama, and ended with a wacky consequence-free style change wherein the outsourced animators rebelled and delivered a lolrandom dance party. The second and final episode aired was a fake clip show full of flashbacks to episodes that did not exist.

At least Clone High got an entire season.

One time I farted on an airplane and wondered if any human had ever farted at those exact global coordinate besides me, does that count?

I might be the only American to have applied for a light sport flight instructor certificate on physical paper, and I believe I caused an update to the IACRA system.

For those unaware, IACRA is the system for applying for airman certificates online. Instead of mailing a paper 8710 to Washington you fill it out on one of the US government's many shitass fuckchild web 0.8 websites. The FAA isn't as bad as the FCC on that front but shew buddy.

I was applying for a light sport flight instructor certificate. One of the prerequisites for this is a credential in the Fundamentals of Instruction. Per the FARs, this can be:

• A passing score on an FAA FoI knowledge test (70 or better) within the last 24 months
• Holder of at least a Basic Ground Instructor certificate
• A state issued teacher's certificate for grade 7 or higher, or
• A job as a college professor

I had taken and passed the FoI test, but the 24 month mark was rapidly approaching before I could arrange the practical test, so I took the BGI test (which is another knowledge test) flew to the FSDO in Greensboro, filled out a form, and one clammy government handshake later I was a ground instructor. Ground instructor certificates don't expire so that effectively eliminated the time constraint on the FoI test result.

Checkride time approached, it was time to fill out the 8710...IACRA had no way of accepting a BGI certificate number as the FoI prerequisite. It was designed to only accept a LaserGrade test result, there wasn't a way to use the other legal prerequisite types. So I had to print out a physical 8710 and mail it to Washington. Last I heard of the matter, my DPE let me know she had contacted somebody at the FAA about the matter, so teachers, professors and ground instructors should be able to correctly apply for a flight instructor certificate now.

...i climbed onto the roof of the press box over kyle field and peed into the open air hundreds of feet below: it evaporated before hitting the ground...

I used to believe there were a ton of things that the universe decided to fuck me in particular. Turns out, it was autisim.

I used to think that all the times I had to survive drowning were unique, until I met my coworker who almost drowned to death in the same wavepool as me, despite us growing up in two seperate states a few hundred miles apart.

I still hope drowning three times is fairly uncommon, but at least one of those pools is just hella dangerous I guess.

What a coincidence, I was just at a Megalopolis watch party last night haha. There were like two dozen of us hatewatching it. True kino.

I fell out of an aeroplane with no parachute and lived.

Was sweeping the little Cessna out when i stepped back missed the step and went arse over head into the tarmac.

Been in a plane crash.

It was a Beech 18 that experienced fuel starvation on climb out. The pilot raised the gear and belly landed it in a freshly tilled corn field off the end of the runway. It was a lot like being in a car accident, just lasted longer with a lot more rending metal noises. The port engine was ripped off and was sitting about 50 feet behind where the plane came to rest.

It wasn't cool, believe me...

Not all at the same time:

• Broken both ankles at once
• Bitten by a snake, twice (two different snakes)
• In (temporary) remission from myeloma, an incurable blood cancer

Cool? Definitely not, or at least I don't think so. And I very seriously doubt anyone would be jealous.

I used to go up in the mountains by myself. Bare minimum supplies, like a knife, the clothes on my back, and an emergency pack for "in case shit", that if I had to touch, the trip was over. I also went armed because shit can happen.

Now, I did this for years, and it was very rare for anything bad to happen at all, and the worst stuff wasn't life threatening except once. I'd run across bears, a few crazy people, maybe twist an ankle or some such.

But that one time.

So, there's a feral dog problem. They've interbred with what's called the eastern coyote, which itself is supposedly a mix of coyote, wolf, and a little dog.

The eastern coyote is rarely a problem. Small family groups, avoid people. If you see them at all, it's unusual.

But when they mix with dogs, and those dogs are feral, the packs get bigger and they tend to not be scared of humans.

Well, I was cooking a fish I caught during one summer when the weather had been dry, and small animal populations were low.

The smell brought a pack in. Enough of them that they tried to circle me in and come at me after the fish I threw to them wasn't interesting enough.

I had 14 rounds on me, and I needed most of them. The first couple of shots missed because I was fucking terrified. At that point, I'd never taken any training for shooting under pressure, so I was panic breathing and shaking hard.

You'd think the sound of a 45 going off would have scared them off, but it didn't. I dropped a couple of them, swapped mags and dropped two more before the rest ran off. One of them, I had to finish because I didn't get a clean shot because it was early in the half a minute it all took.

I hiked my ass back out as soon as I could stop shaking and keep my legs under me. And I did the hike with a nice wet spot because I pissed myself a little.

Went to the ranger station, reported it, did all that crap and went home.

Now, there was also a less dramatic event not maybe ten miles away where I found a body. Suicide, shotgun vs head. That was not fun either; but plenty of people have found dead bodies. Those were the two worst things I ever had happen up there on my own.

I was on a plane that made an emergency landing. It was a lot less scary or exciting than it sounds. Our plane was leaking hydraulic fluid, so we diverted to a closer airport to land while the landing gear could still be lowered with hydraulics. The landing was uneventful, but I did get to see a flash of emergency vehicles with their lights on along the runway.

Waaaaay back in college (this was over a decade ago), I wrote a 16-page paper making the argument that there were only four continents, not five, six, or seven as various countries proclaim:

The Cliff Notes:

• North America and South America can be still considered a single continent due to the fact that the Panama Canal doesn't fully bisect the two landmasses. (The Isthmus of Panama is still very much wild rainforest and lakes, and the canal is essentially two points on each side connected by a boat route across multiple of these lakes).

So, #1: America (alt. the Americas)

• Europe and Asia are not actually bisected into two landmasses, and if anything any physical connection is reinforced by the fact that the boundary is the Ural Mountain range.

So, #2: Eurasia

• Prior to the construction of the Suez Canal in 1869, Europe and Africa were indeed the same landmass, connected by the Isthmus of Suez. However, as the Suez Canal is a sea-level canal, it is created by literally cutting the landmasses apart down to relative sea levels.

So, #3: Africa

• Australia.........Yeah, I didn't see any reason why it should lose its status as the world's biggest island and smallest continent.

So, #4: Australia

• Antarctica I didn't consider a continent because it's mostly ice, and if Australia is considered the minimum bound for how big a "continent" should be, then, well, the portion of Antarctica that is actually ground below all that ice is actually a smaller contiguous size than Australia, ergo it cannot count as a continent.

'Course now I'm older and realize that was all bullshit. Lol. Sure it makes sense from a geological standpoint (but even that is bullshit as geologically there are no "continents", only plates), but a continent is more than its geological structure; it's geological, political, and economic, all three of these rolled into one.

Sources for Images Used:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panama_Canal
2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ural_Mountains
3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suez_Canal

I caught a (wild) rabbit with a bucket.

It was running from a dog and fell into a window well. It got so panicked when I climbed down it almost made it out on it's own (it was about 8 feet deep). So I set the opening of the bucket against the wall with a small gap, to give it somewhere to hide, then went to the other end of the window well, and it crawled right in when I approached again. Covered it with a towel and lifted it right on out.

I failed linear algebra twice and barely passed the third time.