Asklemmy

Part of me enjoyed them making every little decision for me. I think it's why I ended up in that situation in the first place.

I was burnt out and just didn't want to think anymore, they came along and just controlled everything. For a little while it was nice.

But once I started getting better, they didn't want to relinquish control and it was hard to escape.

After 2 years I did escape, but I had to relearn what my likes and dislikes were. They had done such a thorough job of deciding everything I had forgotten even little things e.g. if I liked chinese food, or if that was just their preference.

When someone relied on me for every emotional need. It had me feeling wanted but it's not healthy in the long run, even though it felt nice. (nobody should need to feel wanted, and nobody should rely on just 1 person for support)

Part of me liked being love bombed. Through therapy I've been able to understand that this part of me is the traumatized child who desperately needed love.

They would stop replying to any message, be overall unreachable, ghosting me when we planned a getaway at that date.
I assumed they needed space. I'm fine with respecting boundaries, even if it stings nonetheless when you miss them.

But stopping literally existing out of the blue?
How much time do you need? Days, weeks? Should I wait for you to contact me? Should we cancel this weekend?
No way to get an answer. No, nothing.
Just toss a coin and try to find out.

Yelling and angry arguing. I grew up in an environment where everything is under the surface and behind your back so it felt like emotional honesty and made me feel like I could trust her more.

I will both lie and avoid to head off conflict. I would rather lie my face off than make my SO get angry at me; he tends to get angry about really petty shit so this is just me surviving how I can. I also keep him from some things about myself (really innocent things like that I go to church) simply because he'd become angry and try to stop it. Sometimes I feel like five different people, that there are parts of me for every different section of my life, the work me, the married me, the daughter me, the online me, and because I have to tiptoe around him a lot I feel kind of fragmented. . My therapist says this is common in trauma victims to feel like they have to be several different people. It's disjointed and unsatisfactory.