Turtle Island
this post was submitted on 12 Feb 2025
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Trade names with the Gulf and become the United States of Mexico.
A not-insignificant amount of the USA was Mexico, at one time.
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Stolidus
- It sounds strong and powerful
- It's Latin, and therefore properly awesome.
- It's definition is: foolish, absurd, dumb, forceless, powerless
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Whatever the Cherokee word for "stolen land" is.
Or, you know, the thousands of other languages that existed.
Sorry, distilling everything indigenous down to the Cherokee is a pet peeve of mine.
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Wendigo
It’s an Algonquin cryptid / monster with an insatiable hunger for human flesh and a love of murder. Generally greedy and evil. Also known to smell bad.
Honors our native heritage and says something about our beloved country’s strength of character.
The more I read about it and learned about these stories as a kid from my parents and Elders ... the more I realize that it is also a metaphor or life lesson about who we are as people and humanity as a whole.
Wendigo in many legends was originally just a man or woman like you or me or anyone. They are infected or affected by a mysterious force and changed to become a hunter of people. Many of the legends talk about how Wendigo is basically just out hunting, doing things like a hunter does, tracking, following, hiding, creeping towards their prey ... but the prey are humans, people, families, children, etc. They are intelligent, speak, understand, communicate, can trick people but they can also be tricked, they can also be dumb, silly, wise or completely wild.
The metaphor is that we are all capable or prone to becoming infected with dark forces if we allow them and change us into beings that will take from others and even kill them to enrich ourselves or prolong our lives.
Many believe that Wendigos still live and prey on people all over the world ... but instead of hunting and preying on people in the forests and wilderness ... they live and work in corporations and governments.
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Mountain Dew presents: Freedom Country - Brought to you by United Healthcare.
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Given the religious fervor throughout its history, how about naming it after an ancient biblical region?
Transjordan?
Wait. Shit, that won't work, even Jordan's gone woke. Maybe something else in the region?
OH! How about Gilead!?
Except Transjordan isn't biblical. It's the region of Palestine that became The Kingdom of Jordan. As opposed to Cisjordan, which is the region that became Israel and the present Palestine.
But I don't think we're allowed to say cis anymore. /s
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OK hear me out: It should be named after the first European explorer to discover it and popularize the European expansion: Christopher Columbus.
- Like its namesake, the nation too is racist, cruel and genocidal. Even the Spanish Inquisition era Catholics were like, damn Christopher!
- Like the largest exporter of cocaíne in South America, it too is full of drugs, and its elections are the plaything of big money cartels and foreign powers.
- It was mostly settled by white people from England.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your new nation: British Columbia.
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Listen. I know you said no wrong answers but unfortunately due to the past few decades of the American Political system, pretty much anything is now effectively accurate. Even such things as:
- The Divided States of America
- McMilitary Industrial Complex
- The Paycheck-to-Paycheck Republic
- Red vs Blue
- Gilded Ruins
- AmeriKKKa
- Walmartistan
- Gunlandia
- Yeehaw Reich
- Methlehem
- Debtlandia
- Live, Laugh, Lawsuit
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United States of Lee (after General Robert Lee)
New motto
All For Me and None For Thee
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Rename it to Mexico. Then the whole gulf of mexico situation is fixed.
A vast amount of it used to be Mexico.
Dumbfuckistan
Dumbfuckistan
Serious answer: the Viking settlers named the land "Vinland" long before Columbus was even born. That name is of Germanic origin, same as the English language, and would be appropriate for settlers of Germanic origin (England, Germany, etc.)
Alternatively, a name in ~~the~~ a Native American language would be most appropriate given that they were the original inhabitants of the land.
A name in the Native American language
There is no single native American language. There are over 200 of them, and used to be around 300-400, in 57 different families and over two dozen completely isolated languages (which might not be, but it's hard to find out). And they'd likely be at the very least somewhat mutually culturally insensitive.
So that might be even more difficult than using English, which at least has the benefit of being popular now.
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Dumbfuckistan
The Adjacent States of Denial
South Canada
South Canada.
Idiocracy
Donald Trump’s Best, Biggest Country in the World, the Biggest, Juiciest Country there is, you know it, folks, No Illegals Allowed, No Fentanyl, All the Guns! And Covfefe!
Formally: Jeb!
Informally: Jebland
Dialectical variant of English: Jeblish
Collective name for the people of Jebland: Jebanese
I’m kidding of course. We all know the process to rename the U.S. would be taken over by the wealthy and we’d wind up named HCH (Human Capital Holdings), LLC, a shell corporation/nation that is jointly owned by Blackrock, Vanguard, and State Street.
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“Vinland” is what the Vikings who discovered the land named it. Not a bad name.
Were I to name it today I’d pick some foreign language version of “The Land of Pulling Up the Ladder” or “The Land of Crabs in a Bucket”.
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The Land of the Flee while you still can
North Mexico
The incorporated states of Northern America ltd.
Clown Country
American States of Maga
And yes, it is infinitely recursive.
The vikings were there first (after the native Americans), so I'd go with Greater Norway.
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TwatWaffle McDunceland
The United States Inc. since that's all we are anyway....
The States of Northern Mexico
united states of fuck you, i got mine.
As Amerigo is the Italianized version of the German 'Emmerich', i'd call it like that.
Bonus is that there is a very unassuming German border town called thusly.
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Han Dynasty would be funny, not least because it doesn’t solve the problem
There’s also the Prince joke “Land formally known as USA”
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