this post was submitted on 30 Sep 2024
731 points (98.8% liked)

The Onion

4502 readers
1007 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 90 points 1 month ago (1 children)

This is truth, not satire.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago (2 children)

And yet the jester is usually the wisest in the court.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago

And also incredibly depressed

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

Wisecracking isn't the same as being happy

[–] [email protected] 44 points 1 month ago

Felt this since I was a child.

[–] [email protected] 42 points 1 month ago

Smart enough to realize everything is shit is a real debilitating condition and honestly, one doesn't haven't to be very smart to realize that.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I don't remember being interviewed.

[–] jwt 12 points 1 month ago (1 children)

That's because you're a dumbass. Happy now?

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 month ago

You know what? Yes, yes I am!

[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

Man Wishes He Was Dumb Enough to Be Happy All the Time

The prescription is 'tussin + alcohol, like in that one episode of House M.D.

😏

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 month ago

This is sadly very true.... and also doxylamine, trazodone, melatonin, etc...

[–] [email protected] 26 points 1 month ago

I often also feel this way, although I also look at a lot of voting-aged people in the US and realize that being that dumb usually just means you are angry all the time.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 month ago

I don't recall giving consent to writing a story about my life.....

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 month ago (3 children)
[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

We are all you on this not so blessed day.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

Have you tried idolizing osaka from azumanga daioh?

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 month ago

This hit me at my core.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 month ago (1 children)

and that's how folks transition into puppygirls.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Oh good, I was hoping to find a transition comment here as I felt the same way for a long time 😅

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (3 children)

And I want to make it clear I'm not even complaining OR criticizing! XD

It's wholesome in a peculiar way: people who want to embrace simple joy, and to love others with the same unbridled enthusiasm as dogs do? That's beautiful and sweet deep down at the heart of it.

Even though I KNOW that for many it's a "sex thing"... Honestly so what. Anyone who doesn't like it can choose to do literally anything else with their time.

I've stopped caring about pointless judgement, moralizing pearl clutching hand wringing self-righteous hysterical theatrics... What a waste of time and energy when instead happiness is actually an option.

Maybe it's jealousy. How dare someone be happy, right? Whatever! Let them be goodgirls. There are few things more harmless than that.

I don't think I could ever play the role of an "owner" (apparently that's a thing) but I'm happy when I see them, in the same way I'm happy when I see dogs. Because I see dogs.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

I mean, for most of petplay people I know it's much more of an everyday thing than a sex thing. Which makes sense, since that's generally more of a furry thing. It's less about being an animal and more about being someone's pet, very gentle sub and dom stuff. There's a good tumblr post

petplay? oh you mean that kink for burnt-out neurodivergent people with abandonment issues who need simple easy directions and assurance that the person giving them will still be there at the end of the night. yeah i got you i know what you're talking about

And like, mood.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago (2 children)

I feel this one, but Vin Diesel is actually a decent actor? Find Me Guilty is a banger, Boiler Room is solid, he was good in Saving Private Ryan and he was The Iron Giant ffs

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 month ago

Like Adam Sandler, Vin Diesel can act but chooses a lot of projects that do the opposite of showcasing that skill.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

I would say that he’s a better actor than The Rock, but he’s not winning any acting awards anytime soon.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 month ago

Some days it feels like it would be easier to take a ball peen hammer to my prefrontal cortex than deal with the rest of my species.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 month ago

He just like me fr

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Too smart to be happy too dumb to be successful.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago

Dunno about that, plenty of dumb successful people out there, this world ain't a fair one.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

It's me. I'm the man who wishes he was dumb enough to be happy all the time.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago
[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

Is the intelligent thing not to be to recognise when things are out of your control and put them out of your mind

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Depends on the reaching of the action, even if the event was out of their control but going to impact them, say an invasion or war breaking out at their location it'd be warranted. However in a general sense I agree, it causes undue stress if there's nothing directly they can change.

People thinking like that is how we get some people fighting for rights, the current fight may not directly impact them but they can see how it'll impact things in the near future when more rights are changed. I mostly agree with not adding undue stress but sometimes it can be difficult to know when it's undue or warranted because it can happen quickly once the ball starts rolling.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Putting things out of your mind doesn't mean you can't take action though

If the only reasonable thing I can do to make a change to a situation is to cast a vote there's no point worrying about it until I actually have the opportunity to do that

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

I've seen this on an episode of House MD

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

I'm too dumb to be happy!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

I feel seen!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago

*any of the time ftfy

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago (3 children)

"Better to be an animal than a man, an insect than an animal, a plant than an insect, and so on.

Salvation? Whatever diminishes the kingdom of consciousness and compromises its supremacy."

Yup.

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

Dumb people are not happy most of the time. They're perpetually angry and afraid because rich people manipulate them to be that way

load more comments
view more: next ›