Yes. I hate birthdays, mine and others'. I hate receiving gifts and I hate being in the spotlight, and having to act differently towards others for one particular day of the year for no reason trips me up. If I appreciate another person I will show it consistently, not just on one token day of the year. The whole thing feels awkward and makes me act awkward.
this post was submitted on 29 Aug 2024
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I may have seen something my girlfriend would have liked in a shop and bought it, then kept it over for a bit planning on giving it to her on her birthday. But then one time she was around and I wanted to give her something to show my love to her, so I just went and gave it to her early. Now I have to find something else. Oops.
Cards:
- write what you like about them
- add a relevant story you guys share within the last year that reflects that quality of theirs
Gifts:
- if they tell you they like something throughout the year, add it to a private note to look at during their bday
- something they would love to have or use but wouldn't spend their own money
- bonus: relevant to their quality story
Example
Card: Happy birthday! I love how you're always happy, like when we went to the beach and it started raining. Even though we were bummed out, you found a way to make it fun and we had a great time. I hope you receive the same happiness on your birthday that you gave me at the beach.
Gift: The shirt they said they liked at the beach store but didn't buy it for themselves.
Follow me for more autism survival guides 👌
edit: Warning, some people will become upset if they recognize that you follow this/a formula. I haven't figured out a solution to this.
Genuinely helpful.
You're welcome! I'd be happy to help you out with your particular situation. Hit me up on matrix if you'd like 🙂👍
Also,
edit: Warning, some people will become upset if they recognize that you follow this/a formula. I haven't figured out a solution to this.
To be fair I use the same card design every year, so it probably wouldn't be much worse
I'd be your friend 🙂
But of course its you! :)) thanks for sharing this. I struggle with this as well. Great advice.
Thanks! Imagine the possibilities if we could decode the patterns of NT social interaction. Formulas, flowcharts, and nodes everywhere 🙆. Birthday coming up? "Activate Birthday Gifts and Card Protocol, go!" 😄
Now you know why I am so obsessed with linux and scripting. ;)
Better than my method:
- buy birthday card
- attempt to write "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" in it and realize it already says that inside
- underline "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" and add two more exclamation points
- "love / sincerely / yours truly /
groucho"
Like - what do I write in the card?
"Congratulations on surviving another circuit around the sun."
What the hell do I get them?
I usually rely on them giving me a list.
"Congratulations on surviving another circuit around the sun."
This must be an innate autistic thought. I'm willing to bet that 90% of us (easy) have had this exact same thought.
Not to mention when it even is. I'm so bad with birthdays
I have a calendar, thankfully. Although generally I only look at the one week and take it a week at a time. So if I'm going on holiday for two weeks and someone's birthday is in week two, I forget to send them a card. Rip.
A cloud calendar is the backbone of my life. Also, I make it a game to mention someone's birthday whenever it comes up to help me remember it. "February 30th, right?"
As for cards - I've now developed the habit of writing a text once a year and using it basically for everybody (slightly modified if necessary). Bonus points for a kid and a grown up version. Btw I also have the same standard text for weddings and funerals (these stay the same over the years). Most of my friends don't know each other and will never find out.
I also started to just wish very mundane things because it sounds poetic and I have wished them the same Big Things for years. No one ever congratulated me when I wished them happiness and health, but when I wish them the most colorful flowers on the roadside and warm summer rain on sun exhausted skin, and the occasional mindfulness to take the time to stop and appreciate these small moments everyone loses their shit. Sometimes something negative is also appreciated. Think you still got so many years ahead of you. Your path will in some parts be straightforward, but will make you stumble and fall in other parts. For the latter I wish you a helping hand to get up again and some colorful band aids
As a side note, I am more proud of my sincere go to when someone dies. Especially old people. Because I always point out that they don't need to excuse the death or downplay it because someone was old or it was predictable. Losing a person who you cared about, no matter how old or sick, is always painful and a big loss. And no matter how predictable it was, their death and your grief always end up taking you by surprise. And I wish everyone who lost someone the support necessary to have some time granted for their grief and pain. .
I actually have some same text for funerals as well. Although had to change it because unfortunately a friend of mine was hit with a second bereavement
Oof that would have hit me too. But I guess the older the become the more common it will be. At some point we'll go to more funerals than birthday parties. My whole card system will need to be reworked then.
Good point
Yes and I literally forgot my own birthday once.
Put this in your pocket as insurance, my dude/dudette:
Happy birthday! Hope you have a wonderful day celebrating your continued existence 🥳🎊🎉
Most of the time I will just sign the card, maybe a witty word or two. But sometimes inspiration strikes. I've been known to make cards by hand for friends and family... with crayons. And a piece of paper folded in half. No, I can't draw. And then the envelope is two pieces of paper stapled together. It's ghetto af but people usually get a laugh. Usually.
Sometimes I will hand someone an index card with BIRTHDAY written on one side.
One time I completely filled the left inside cover with my sloppy-ass block print. Just stream of consciousness stuff. And in the middle I put "At this point I'm guessing you're regretting starting to read this aloud, because I know that's exactly what you're gonna do with each and every card."
Not sure I'll ever top that one.
This is hilarious! I make my cards too, I actually cannot write, so it's easier to type. But they're very sloppy, although I did design them myself.
Always a nightmare for me as well. It can take me 30 minutes just to come up with 2 sentences. I usually try to make a « joke » related to something « important » that happened to the person during the year (or « generic » stuff like « one more year passed bla bla bla »).
It’s a source of a lot of stress, especially when sometimes, someone gives me a pen and a card and forces me to come up with something right now.
If someone gives you a pen and card on a big card, tbf writing your name/signing it and writing "happy birthday" is sufficient
Heh, I just posted a comment without reading the others first, in which I said something very similar about taking a long time to "come up with 2 sentences". I was briefly wondering whether to write "two" or "2", so it's funny seeing the same wording pop up in another comment.
I love writing "congratulations, you have survived another full orbit around the sun".
As for the gifts... I suck at them
I'm thinking of just buying up a collection of silver bullion and giving it every time. Not as lazy as money... Although it's more of a hassle to actually spend. Okay, scrap that.
I just don't acknowledge them, just another day I had 0 control over
That's not very polite unfortunately ☹️
Same (*typo in prev comment)
Write the good that you wish them, get them something inexpensive that shows that you still pay attention to what they say and like. Simple. I hate em too but gotta adapt.to the game ig
I find a good quote about the kind of relationship we have (friendship, family, dating) that will make them all misty eyed, then I sign it and say something somewhat personal about our relationship. Cards are like the one social thing I'm apparently good at.
Also it helps to put birthdays in your online calendar and include an email reminder a week before their birthday.
Edit: Throw a small printed photo in for good measure, people LOVE stuff like that. Just make sure the picture is special and bonus points if it's something they completely forgot about.
I have birthdays in my calendar! People seem to be pleasantly surprised that I remember their birthday
Lol, the timing of this is pretty crazy. Today is a big milestone birthday for my brother, and texting him some birthday wishes is my major task for the day (you know, the thing where, as long as I do that, I have completed today, even though there are other things I will hopefully be able to do, but might not because the main task might take all my energy).
We live pretty far apart, and I don't have too clear an idea of his current interests, and his job doesn't leave him with a lot of spare time. Usually I buy him a digital gift of some kind (ebook, switch game I think he'd like, etc) and send a happy birthday email that's like 2 sentences that I spend all day composing in my head. I haven't figured out what to get him this year, but also, for my birthday earlier this year he just texted me instead of buying me a steam game I'll never play, so I'm sort of taking that as a signal that it's okay for me to do the same (I'm relieved, rather than offended - I'm totally fine with not receiving any particular birthday greeting or gift myself). I ran that idea by my NT mom, and she agreed that that sounds absolutely fine.
So I guess I'm about to text him something like "Happy xth birthday! Hope you're having a great day! Any big plans to celebrate the milestone?" And then have a brief back and forth on the basis of his response. "About to" here meaning in the next few hours I guess.
On the topic in general, I run into this with Christmas presents as well, who to get presents for at in-person gatherings of various sizes, or for close family that live far away, etc, and what to give them.