The Onion

4502 readers

921 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 2 years ago

MODERATORS

[email protected]

814

Local Teachers Union Announces Plans to Invade Gaza in Order to Secure Government Funding (thehardtimes.net)

submitted 6 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

15 comments fedilink hide all child comments

all 16 comments

sorted by: hot top controversial new old

[–] [email protected] 102 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Joseph Flannery, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher, admitted he’s looking forward to his deployment.

“I’m in my late 50s and I’m sad to admit I get winded walking from my car to my classroom, but I thought about it and I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War,” said Flannery.

Fucking gold.

[–] [email protected] 59 points 6 months ago (1 children)

The title is the first punch but this line is the KO.

I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War.

[–] [email protected] 33 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

Also this:

“Listen Jack, the educators in the country are some of the most hard-working people I’ve ever met. They will make a great addition to the fight against terrorism. It’s because most of them have nothing to live for anyway because they can’t retire, they are in terrifying debt, and [the students] parents get to tell them what they can teach,” said Biden.

and this:

At press time, the teachers were holding a bake sale to raise funds for their airfare.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 6 months ago

I would give this better than even odds of working.

[–] [email protected] 25 points 6 months ago

Classic onion

[–] [email protected] 18 points 6 months ago

This one is really good lol

[–] [email protected] 16 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Is this the best onion headline title ever?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 6 months ago

My favorite from back in the day was “Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines the Constitution to Be” but they’ve been cranking out some really good ones lately

[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 months ago (1 children)

That's it, I'm making the "The Onion headlines that go hard" community.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Why? Do you feel like this community is not curated enough?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 6 months ago

It's just a joke :P

[–] [email protected] 9 points 6 months ago

Too soon onion, too soon.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

Also they'll be able to call the local riot police whenever they need to remove any student from their classroom by claiming they're being disruptive.