Ask Lemmy

When I was in school (long ago), I always kept to myself, never bothered anyone, but people still picked on me sometimes. Once I was sitting in class and another kid put me in a headlock, for no particular reason. He probably expected me to do nothing. I didn't want to hurt him or start a commotion, but I punched right at his nose, and pulled my punch right before making contact. Well, this must have startled him a great deal, because he jumped back while letting out a loud fart. It reeked. The teacher came into the classroom and she had to clear everyone out because it smelled so bad. But anyways, I don't think he ever messed with me again.

So basically, see if you can make them fart in front of everyone.

I had a bully that kept walking past my desk and kicking my leg for no good reason when I was 12. I tried to announce loudly to the substitute teacher that day to get him to stop. I know for a fact that the teacher and all the students heard me quite clearly. But the substitute teacher didn't even acknowledge me, nor tried to do anything to stop him.

So, I tried to stand up to the bully myself. As he walked past yet again and kicked my leg again, I swung around behind me as he was passing just behind me. Unfortunately my glasses distorted my view as I tried swinging while looking past the edge of my glasses and I missed.

The dude turned back and punched me in the right eye, breaking my glasses and busting my face. I came close to losing my right eye. I left the class along with him to go to the principal's office, crying and keeping my right eye closed. I was scared that my right eye might have been ruptured. Luckily not though, but it was mighty close.

Anyways, in the long run, the other student was expelled, his parents had to buy me new glasses, and apparently they fired that substitute teacher for not doing a damn thing to prevent the situation when I first announced it.

Long story short, you can't always expect an adult to do the right thing, sometimes shit just happens. If I had it my way, I would have avoided any fight to begin with, but since I was being ignored, I tried to resort to self defense. Didn't work out like I expected, but the dude got what he deserved.

Fuck bullies!

What are they doing to stand up to the bullies? They only understand definitive language or actions. If your child is just saying "no, you can't do that," nothing will happen. In the past, "standing up to a bully" generally meant breaking their nose.

EDIT: oh, this is about you as an adult, not your children. Good luck, adult bullies have that behavior ingrained in them from decades of training. Avoid them or get them in legal/job trouble, those are your only realistic options.

Could you be more specific about your situation?

To me, “stand up to bullies” really means “don’t let yourself be a victim”, and that doesn’t sound like bad advice.

Its not just about getting the outcome you want (the bully leaving you alone). It's about the personal habit of being equal to confrontation. Not being rolled over by fear. You don't need a resolution, you need to be upright and confident in the face of these sniveling weasels. They'll never go away. They're a permanent fixture. Learn to play in that world. That's the point.

Bullies are part of a cycle of abuse. They belittle others so they themselves can feel less pathetic. The strategy my mom taught me is to be untouchable. Don’t give them the satisfaction of getting under your skin. Shrug, chuckle, and genuinely forget about them. They’re insignificant. No need to butt heads. It also an effective strategy for road rage. You can’t lose if you’re not playing the game. You can even make them think they won. Some of these assholes genuinely get furious at unwavering positivity.

Define bully more clearly. What adults do tends to be more indirect than kids.

As kids, bullies are pretty direct, so standing up to them is effective, at a minimum for building your own strength for standing up to things. (In a way, bullying is just the extreme form of how we tease each other growing up, which gives us opportunity to practice dealing with conflict).

Kid bullies expect other kids to just give in. By not doing so, you've changed the "frame" of the interaction.

As adults, dealing with assholes requires this same skill: reframing the situation in a way the aggressor doesn't expect (or maybe comprehend).

Big guys who happen to have good character know they intimidate people just by being there, so have learned to put people at ease though body language and personality. Having worked with and for some of these guys, I've learned a LOT from them about controlling or influencing the frame in a given group or interaction. They know they can simply smack down an aggressor, but would prefer not to, as it doesn't look good and is a hassle for them so is considered a last-attempt option. Which gives them all the mental leeway to just fuck with people who are being stupid.

I've watched these kinds of guys redirect all sorts of craziness, from aggressive drunks on the street (became their buddy), to coaxing Directors or VP's to do things their way...as a Senior Manager. Watching aggravated people laugh within minutes of engaging with someone like this is astounding.

Befriend a big guy who's like this - what you can learn is invaluable.

What’s an example of someone bullying you, and how you’ve “given them what they’ve given you”?

I mean the second I got physical they all backed off. It was as easy as that for a chill highschool life lol. The punishment was well worth it. Bullies are usually complete pussies anyway.

Why give them back anything? Just tell them to fuck off.

This is a weird one. Agree with them and basically be really pathetic. It really messes with people like this and narcissists.

The moment you fight back, or try to establish boundaries with people like this, they perceive you as challenging them. Since these people are ultimately insecure they will put you down really hard, to feel secure about themselves.

HealthygamerGG has a video on establishing boundaries and how it rarely works, and he discusses how you should approach it instead.

https://youtu.be/gqwjBEf3znc?si=Yi28OpyiBzS5zbQA

I'm not a parent, a teacher, or a therapist. However, I was bullied from kindergarten through tenth grade. So, here's my two cents based on my own experience having not put it into practice.

The bully is a bully for a reason just as the bullied is bullied for a reason. You can not control the environment that created a bully but you can attempt to help your bullied child. If I were a parent, I would take a good hard look at my child and ask their teachers why they may be bullied. As a parent, I would help my kid overcome those traits if possible. In some cases, there may not be an immediate solution that you can provide. Your child, as it was the case for me, may be in an environment that's detrimental to their development.

It's not so much about "standing up to the bully" and telling your kid to do that is, in my opinion, counter productive. Lack of confidence is one reason a child may be bullied and gaining confidence is how to thwart ongoing threats. Their confidence will be what stands up to the bully on its own.

Confidences is gained through social interactions. Support your child by exposing them to more activities that make them uncomfortable. I quit soccer and karate lessons too quickly and my mom didn't push me to keep doing them or really support anything I was ever interested in. This taught me it was easier to hide from awkwardness and give up on things I had a passing interest in if I wasn't good enough at it from the start. I still struggle with this in my 40s. I may not be bullied in school anymore but life itself is always there to judge me and tell me how weak I am.

It was the summer between tenth and eleventh grade when I started to hang out with more people (like, two) around the neighborhood. We would skateboard, ride bikes, play street hockey, go out to eat pizza, etc. With a small group of people who had a little more influence / confidence in school, I guess my confidence grew enough that people to be more friendly towards me.

I probably have a poor impression of how kids are growing up today. I assume most kids are in their homes playing video games and watching TikTok. As much confidence as someone may gain at home by being really good at something they do online, this doesn't transfer to the real world or the shared world young people experience.

In the halls of my middle school, I felt like a ghost, invisible to everyone except the bullies who made my life a living hell. Every day, they taunted me, mocked my appearance, and tripped me in the hallway.

I tried to ignore them, but the constant harassment wore me down. One day, pushed to my limit, I finally snapped. When the ringleader, Jake, shoved me into a locker, I swung back, landing a punch square on Jake's nose.

The satisfaction of retaliation was fleeting as the principal's office became my next destination. Despite explaining my side, I was met with a stern lecture on violence and the consequences of my actions.

But in that moment of defiance, something shifted within me. I realized that standing up for myself didn't have to involve fists. It meant finding the courage to speak out, seeking help from trusted adults, and refusing to let the bullies define me.

That night my dad came into my room and savagely beat with a set of jumper cables for getting in trouble.

If you can win in a fight you didn't start, whether that's verbal or physical win it, otherwise walk away without a bit of acknowledgement.

Put a stinkbomb in their backpack during class and let it stink so they get bullied in return.

Empathize with bullies.

Ask if everything is ok at home, and let them know if they ever need to talk about things you're there.

"You seem really angry at things. Are things ok?"

"I'm sorry life isn't going the best for you right now, but things will get better."

This is the ultimate mind fuck.

At first it won't seem like it's working as they need to save face, but within around two to three encounters they'll drop you from their target list because while they won't try to show it, reflecting the truth of what's really going on cuts deep.

I remember years after HS ending up friends with one of my old bullies who was much more torn up about the whole thing than I ever was, and meeting his absolute psychopath of an older brother and thinking "well this makes sense." His dad was dying of cancer around the time, he was being held back a grade, and his older brother was for sure torturing him at home.

I know that had I had the awareness I do now back then the poor kid would have folded like a house of cards at the slightest indication I actually saw through his charade.

The problem was I was a fairly clueless emotional moron at the time and assumed he really did have a beef with me and not that what was going on was that he had a massive issue with himself that was being displaced. This was the same period of time I had a girl who was driving me home park at the area kids went to do drugs and hook up, and I proceeded to cluelessly chat for 30 minutes before she was like "whelp, I guess I'll drive you home." Years later when that one clicked too.

Make your bullies feel important. Make them think you're their friend. Manipulate them until they stop bullying you.

Beating a bully's ass can definitely work (sometimes), and it can work on verbally abusive bullies as well but of course violence isn't very accepable and it comes with serious risks beyond just getting in trouble.

Verbally destroying a bully is doable at least for some bullies, but you might not be able or willing to go at them verbally in a way that will work, so it might be better to just pretend like you don't understand, smile, and say something like, "Cool, thanks!"

They'll probably get upset, but just keep doing it or start fucking with them in other silly ways until they get frustrated and leave: Make them look like an asshole in front of everyone, because, you know, they're being an asshole.

Alternately, intimidate the fuck out of them either yourself or through a friend: This is risky but I can work. If you aren't physically intimidating, acting crazy can still work pretty well but I'd advise this as a last resort. Intimidation can easily spark a fight if misused and trust me when I say you don't want to get into a real fight: They can have life altering results if things get out of hand.

Orrrr

Whip out your phone and record them every time they start harassing you. If you live in a single party consent state, you can record it surreptitiously. Once you have a good amount of shitty behavior documented, go back to the school and insist they do something. If not, consider pressing charges for harassment - a restraining order would certainly be an effective deterrent. Might be worth considering a lawsuit against the school if the bullying was bad enough and you documented that they did nothing to stop it.

Or

Act as though they do not exist at all: They want attention, deny them this.

The kind of person you're dealing with, the kind of person you are, and the overall circumstances should guide your approach, not every approach will work on every person and in every circumstance.

Good luck, and remember: This shit is temporary, whatever you decide to do, even if it's nothing, try not to let them get into your head. Ten years from now, they won't matter at all to you.

What clown world do we live in where standing up for yourself is a bad advice?

Laughing and mocking a bully takes the wind out of their sails.

How exactly are you being bullied; as an adult?

Easier said than done but don't be on your own. Stick in groups of 2 or more friends. I got bullied in middle school because I really didn't have many friends in my classes. In high school I joined ROTC, which typically means every squad member is your friend, and I never got bullied because they all had my back and I had theirs. Well, I might've been "bullied" a bit by superior officers but that's kind of built in to the program.

See I had to put up with a lot of bullying as a kid, and learned a few things along the way, and of course subsequently. If I had a kid, which I don't and don't want, my first approach would be to dig up some dirt on the kids parents to arm my kid with some ammunition for clapback.

If that didn't work I just go down to the school personally and terrify the principal or whatever. Not with threats of physical violence or anything; that's overkill and a good way to get your ass landed in jail. No instead you go down there in a cold rage, a loud voice if necessary, and some very menacing threats to go to both the press and your lawyer.

I'm also a firm believer because of said bullying in teaching said kid self-defense. Actual self-defense not just karate classes. Because while I don't want my kid engaging in violence, I absolutely want him to defend himself if somebody throws a punch at him. Or her; I'm an equal opportunity asshole.

Report bullies to the police for domestic extremism.

If you can't beat them, join them.