My wife died after being together for 25 years.
I'm guessing at some point I'll get better.
this post was submitted on 16 Feb 2024
46 points (97.9% liked)
[Outdated, please look at pinned post] Casual Conversation
6470 readers
1 users here now
Share a story, ask a question, or start a conversation about (almost) anything you desire. Maybe you'll make some friends in the process.
RULES
- Be respectful: no harassment, hate speech, bigotry, and/or trolling
- Encourage conversation in your post
- Avoid controversial topics such as politics or societal debates
- Keep it clean and SFW: No illegal content or anything gross and inappropriate
- No solicitation such as ads, promotional content, spam, surveys etc.
- Respect privacy: Don’t ask for or share any personal information
Related discussion-focused communities
founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
May your grief alleviate and your heart find peace, I recently lost someone as well, not very close but still kind of a reminder how fragile this life is
Thank you kind stranger
🙏
While I haven't lost someone as close as you have, I have lost both close friends and family over the years, and my way of coping with it is basically that I live on as best I can, to ensure that their memory is kept alive.
My dad was far from perfect, but to me he was the greatest dad ever.
Christopher and I had grown distant over the years, but to this day he's the only person I could geek out over progmetal with. He influenced me more than he ever knew.
And Lisa, on the surface we hated each other, but I still found her to be an interesting and fun person on the few occasions we got along.
.....and the list goes on. To me, lamenting the dead only feels sad for a little while. After that, it becomes memories of which I refuse to let go. Because while the world may not see them as important, I still remember them fondly decades after, and the effect they had on me.
I am by no means a wise man, so this rambling is by not meant as a solution to coping with loss that everyone should try. But it is what works for me. Maybe it will work for you too, in case you are in need of unsolicited advice from a stranger.
I wish you the best.
Thanks
I feel so contradicted on how to deal with someones death, I really haven’t lost anyone super close because I am still young (and I haven’t been super close to anyone ever either) but I feel you have two options on each side of the spectrum
-
You either completely forget them, they never existed, and live on, delete everything you may have, pics, voice notes etc, it maybe extremely hard but maybe more beneficial in the long term?
-
You learn to live with the fact that they no longer exist, your sorrow may affect you less overtime and you might get busy with life and other people, but it will probably never be the same again
Now ofc these are kinda two extremes, but which side is better? I think 1st, but I don’t think I could ever bring myself personally to do it….
I don’t think the first is really possible without doing some psychological damage to yourself, unless it’s a romantic relationship (but not a marriage of 25 years).
My mom died ~20 years ago, when I was about 12. Even if I’d tried the first, there would have been a mother shaped hole in my life, which is its own kind of pain. She and my dad had been together for nearly 40 years, over two thirds of their lives- how could he forget that? How could he live with himself for doing her the disrespect of forgetting her (from his perspective, and now that I’m an adult mine also, but this might not be universal, and hey, the dead don’t get insulted)? He kept their hyphenated last name until he remarried, and now my stepmom knows funny stories about my mom, she knows her birthday and death day, and she has been welcomed by my mother’s family.
I believe that we as people are mostly formed by those around us. Even when they die, we do carry them with us- I have my mother’s handwriting, taste in tea, and laugh. My father will never be able to say grocery store, because she always called it a grok shop to be cute. Hell, she was a teacher and of her three kids, all are married to teachers and two are teachers themselves. We all eat salade niçoise on Christmas Eve because she wanted summery food while pregnant one Christmas Eve and it started an out of season tradition for us.
If you look hard at the people who loved her, you can still see a reflection of who she was (Just from the above qualities, you can get a small impression). Obviously in my opinion my mother was incredibly special, but I think that’s probably true for everyone- it’s just hard to see it when the person is still around.
Loss is painful in both cases. But the second one turns the the initial pain into something positive.
I could never go with the first method. I'd probably feel like I was betraying their memory.
Hope you're doing as good as you can. Lost my wife of 4 years a bit over a year ago. It fucking sucks. There's no way to describe the pain of losing someone so close. It doesn't really get better with time, it just gets duller and you learn to live with it. I found it best just to surround myself with family and friends and just ride through the waves of emotion.
This entire month sucks. Hopefully, though, things will get better!
I know this comment doesn't really affect the outcome, but I'll be rooting for a better March for you.
Thank you, I really appreciate that
Everything turned better yesterday. Payday!
And the mechanical scare I had regarding my car got much better today after diagnosis: The scary noise is just a defective drive shaft bearing that the shop swapped just before Christmas (defective replacement part, it seems). They'll fix it free of charge, next week, and in the mean time I can use my car as normal except from the annoying sound.
Good to hear, IDK if it is just me but I get kinda happy seeing people just live their everyday life where there is everything (happiness/sorrow and fear), instead of something special or unrealistic, just hearing about someone’s normal day
I made two memes this week. Now I have to pay all the bills I've been putting off because I don't have the money or I'll freeze.
that's a good idea for a meme
The good: I just signed a new lease in a city I have always wanted to live in, so it’s moving time
The bad: I hit an enormous raccoon which cracked my bumper and have to take my car in for repairs today on my lunch break
aww poor fat raccoon :(
Congrats! And Second car incident on this thread ◉_◉
Man my week was wild. Lots of emotional ups and downs but I think things are going to turn out okay in the end. At least I hope so.
All well if it ends well, I pray that you have a wonderful weekend!
It's ok, busy but not really because i just bump everything to next week's calendar. With Ash Wednesday this week i thought i would give up procrastinating, but have struggled to get started. Vacation this weekend so that should be fun, but I'm beginning to worry about the $$.
Whats making you feel low?
i thought i would give up procrastinating
Good Luck, I personally motivate myself by promising myself some kind of treat if i complete my work on time, very generic but it works atleast for me
Whats making you feel low?
Long story short, gotta say goodbye to one of my teacher that really helped me thru my stuff, I kinda have had some family problems so whenever someone shows some care about me, I kinda get a little emotional lol
Edit: And have fun on your holidays
That's a good idea - i often stop for a coffee or tea in the afternoon - maybe I'll try to skip that on my less-productive days.
If your teacher doesn't know how much you appreciate them, you should let them know. I work in schools and it's really nice when a family tells you that you've made a difference for them. Change can be hard, but that's how we grow. Next year you may meet someone else who will help you in the next phase of your life.
I am glad I was of help
I actually made two whole posts about this thing, if you want I can link them, but yeah long story short, gonna give a card when I go to give my finals
I'd say it was average. Nothing too exciting but nothing too bad either. I am going away for a ski weekend with a few friends, which I'm looking forward to.
Ngl I feel like just avg days are the best, ‘good days’ might be fun but they normally leave me exhausted, and ofc no one wants a bad day
Skipped gym because of a migraine so I'm having a very shitty day haha
Skipping the gym sucks for me, a good way to release all your frustration and anger is going crazy in the gym, and you build some muscle as well! I hope that your migraine gets better
Fucked up as always
My neighbors basically forced me to stop smoking pot. Threatened to tell the landlord on me.
I don’t want to be homeless.
As much as I hate being forced into things, I’ve had a pretty good week. Lots of intense dreams and feeling fully rested after like four hours of sleep.
Also I’ve got a date and contact info for another girl this week. Maybe it was time to stop smoking pot.
Also, noticing that life is much nicer if I have zero caffeine.
So I’m fully sober for the first time since age 8 or so.
Interesting week. Also, I’ve made a lot of money this week driving Uber.