Ask Lemmy

So, here is a story I like to share about learning kindness and empathy.

A little background. I grew up in a poor city right outside Birmingham, Al. All the kids I grew up with including myself had racist, homophobic parents. In return all the kids I grew up with including me were also racist and homophobic. When you grow up where I did with a silent generation dad and greatest generation grandparents from rural Alabama. You aren’t taught “hate”. You’re taught the way it’s always been.

I dropped out of school in the 9th grade. I got my GED and graduated college, but while I was working on all that I worked at Walmart when I was 16. I dated a girl that worked there and when we broke up I started dating a different girl that worked there a few days later.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and this loud and flamboyant twink named Joe that was our age tells my ex and current girlfriends that I dated them both at the same time. Then proceeded to drive both of them to my house where both chicks came in my house and yelled at me for a bit. When I walked outside I saw Joe in the driver seat of one of the girls car.

I figured that they probably met up at Walmart and I was going to beat the shit out of Joe. So, I jumped in my car and raced to Walmart. When they pulled up for Joe to get his car. I was sitting on the trunk of Joe’s car waiting. Fortunately, they left, and what follows is not great, but was necessary for me to learn a lesson.

After they left I was so angry that I used my key to carve the F slur so big that it took up Joes entire trunk lid. Nothing came of it for a few days. Then my phone rang. I can remember it like yesterday. A grown man asked for my name. I said I was he. He said that his name was Ronnie. (If you’ve read my other stuff this isn’t the same Ronnie that killed people.)

Anyway, Ronnie explained that he was Joe’s boyfriend. He told me that what I had done didn’t hurt Joe. He explained that he (Ronnie) was going to have to pay to have the trunk fixed. He appealed to my empathy, but he also treated me like a man. Could/should he have called the cops? Absolutely, but instead he decided to approach me like a man and explain the situation.

After he was done. I told him that I’d have to make payments, but that I’d pay to fix Joes car. Ronnie said that was fine. He invited me over for dinner and said that we’d discuss the terms. I agreed.

I don’t remember how much he said it would be, but I know that I paid him installments until it was paid for. During that time I got to know Ronnie really well. He had a monster truck and collected muscle cars. He had 2 Shih Tzus. He was much older than Joe and I. His previous partner had been someone important with State Farm insurance, but had died back in the 80s (this was mid 90s) and left Ronnie money and a house.

All this happened when my dad and I weren’t getting along. I still remember the first time I called Ronnie and asked if I could stay the night. He said yes without hesitation. I got there and he told me the ground rules. He said that I was always allowed at his house, but personal items like toothbrush, razors, and stuff like that were off limits. He said DO NOT MESS WITH THEM.

I was young not stupid. I had seen the real world. I knew that he was probably HIV positive. It wasn’t long before he and Joe broke up. Ronnie started calling on me. Ronnie lived in the country. I lived between the country and big city. He would call and say hey a couple of my friends are sick and I need to take them some food. Would you ride with me.

Anyway, Ronnie was the first person that I had actually interacted with where I had been forced to face someone that I had been lead to believe was different to me. Ronnie gave me a safe place to be when I wasn’t getting along with my dad. I can remember my “friends” at the time making fun of me for hanging out with a gay dude. I didn’t care.

Ronnie taught me more about being a man than my own father did. When he should have just called the cops he took the time to turn hatred into a teachable moment.

If you’re wondering what happened to Ronnie. I hung out with him fairly regularly until I got on drugs really bad. After my family deserted me. I deserted my friends because I couldn’t live with them hating me for what I had become.

After I got clean I started trying to pick up where I left off. I called all of the good friends I could think of. So, I called Ronnie. A man answered and I asked if Ronnie was there. He quickly asked who I was, and I explained that I was a friend. He said that he was Ronnie’s brother and Ronnie had passed away a few years earlier due to complications from HIV. He said that he got some kind of dementia.

We talked about 2 hours. I told him about how Ronnie had taught me about empathy. He said Ronnie had done the same for him. Ronnie was one of the greatest men I’ve ever known.