this post was submitted on 13 Feb 2025
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Thank you!
As for killing her, I... I don't know how else to put it, y'know? We decided together that she'd go for the artery stent precisely because it had the lowest chance of survival and that she'd be anaesthetised throughout, she couldn't take any more of it after three years of it going from bad to worse. But I was the one to agree and I was the one to inform the doctor... And that's how it feels, at least.
I know there was no happy ending to her situation, the doctors made it plenty clear that, at "best", she'd just get a couple more months of having to deal with that horrid thing. But having to be the one to make the call... I mean, I have my own relationship with Death, but taking part in deciding someone else's fate is... again, I don't know how else to put it...
Yeah... I understood exactly what the doctor meant. And he made it as clear as humanly possible without spelling it out for me, which I appreciated. It was hopeless either way...
Thank you for the rec, I have Outer Wilds in my library, have owned it for a while, but I never felt ready for it. Same with Signalis, bought it a couple of months after it came out, but I just now felt like I was ready for it, for some reason.
In the spirit of the trigger warning you were kind of enough to provide for others, please don't read this if you're still in a tough spot...
That said, not that it may mean anything, but i was in a similar situation... Risk that might actually make things better, or low risk that would make things maybe...survivable...for a little longer.
Looking back...or maybe more honestly, even at the time...i imagine it being the closest thing to the old guy half jokingly saying that if he ever ended up in a nursing home that he'd ask me to take him out behind the barn and shoot him like he'd had to do to a suffering animal with no chance at survival.
He'd made a specific effort years before to ask me to be the one to make that decision if it ever came down to it, so we wouldn't have to make the decision collectively between my brothers and sisters.
Hardest decision I've had to make, and i sometimes feel resentment that he'd put it on me, but also understanding that he thought I might be the only one that could reasonably accept the responsibility.
Mostly I think I have.
Thank you for the heads-up. I don't think I'll ever be fully OK with it, but I think it had to be me.
I'm terribly sorry you had to go through this. And I understand exactly what you mean. They knew who would and who wouldn't, and it was an act of love.
Mum never even discussed it with me. She was one of those people who doesn't even want to accept that Death is a thing, let alone discuss it. But cancer had beaten her down so much, that she couldn't deceive herself anymore. Which is why I told her the truth, I thought it cruel to give her false hope, and incomprehensibly selfish if I'd have insisted they tried to prolong her suffering through any other option. I didn't even feel resentment, I realised then and there that it couldn't have been anyone else, weirdly, because most other people who had skin in the game would have faltered. I just wanted her to have peace and not to suffer any more than she already did (and she suffered enough for several lifetimes, all in all).
It does feel cruel at times, though, to be faced with this choice in relation to a loved one. Letting go is one thing, but to have a deciding role in their departure... yeah...
Again, I'm truly sorry, it's a horrid situation any way we'd cut it. But I am glad (I have no better word) that you've made some peace with it. I hope it'll keep getting lighter and lighter for you. Hell, for both of us.
And thank you for sharing this!
That's for the confirmation that it was ok to read. I've definitely put the bulk of any resentment behind, just thought it was worth mentioning in case others feel shame over a technically negative thought towards their loved one.
Another thing I've recognized over posts like these is shame one might feel for feeling relief that it is over...i think that can be acknowledged and accepted as a normal and 'ok' feeling as well. We're not robots and it's a natural reaction to a resolution of enormous stress and is not the same as being happy because of the outcome... Just relief that the pain and choices are over.
Also, the resentment is kind of shared... Mostly at the resentment that the universe put them in the position where asking something like that is necessary in the first place. I recognize it now as a kindness he was trying to show the others. I imagine myself making the same request but heavily guided by trying to explain how i handled the situation myself.
Fortunately i wasn't put in a position where there was any resentment from my siblings for making the wrong decision.