this post was submitted on 13 Feb 2025
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Thank you for the heads-up. I don't think I'll ever be fully OK with it, but I think it had to be me.
I'm terribly sorry you had to go through this. And I understand exactly what you mean. They knew who would and who wouldn't, and it was an act of love.
Mum never even discussed it with me. She was one of those people who doesn't even want to accept that Death is a thing, let alone discuss it. But cancer had beaten her down so much, that she couldn't deceive herself anymore. Which is why I told her the truth, I thought it cruel to give her false hope, and incomprehensibly selfish if I'd have insisted they tried to prolong her suffering through any other option. I didn't even feel resentment, I realised then and there that it couldn't have been anyone else, weirdly, because most other people who had skin in the game would have faltered. I just wanted her to have peace and not to suffer any more than she already did (and she suffered enough for several lifetimes, all in all).
It does feel cruel at times, though, to be faced with this choice in relation to a loved one. Letting go is one thing, but to have a deciding role in their departure... yeah...
Again, I'm truly sorry, it's a horrid situation any way we'd cut it. But I am glad (I have no better word) that you've made some peace with it. I hope it'll keep getting lighter and lighter for you. Hell, for both of us.
And thank you for sharing this!
That's for the confirmation that it was ok to read. I've definitely put the bulk of any resentment behind, just thought it was worth mentioning in case others feel shame over a technically negative thought towards their loved one.
Another thing I've recognized over posts like these is shame one might feel for feeling relief that it is over...i think that can be acknowledged and accepted as a normal and 'ok' feeling as well. We're not robots and it's a natural reaction to a resolution of enormous stress and is not the same as being happy because of the outcome... Just relief that the pain and choices are over.
Also, the resentment is kind of shared... Mostly at the resentment that the universe put them in the position where asking something like that is necessary in the first place. I recognize it now as a kindness he was trying to show the others. I imagine myself making the same request but heavily guided by trying to explain how i handled the situation myself.
Fortunately i wasn't put in a position where there was any resentment from my siblings for making the wrong decision.