It may not help, but I do enjoy this poem by Caitlin Seida:
Hope Is Not a Bird, Emily, It’s a Sewer Rat
- Hope is not the thing with feathers
- That comes home to roost
- When you need it most.
- Hope is an ugly thing
- With teeth and claws and
- Patchy fur that's seen some shit.
- It's what thrives in the discards
- And survives in the ugliest parts of our world,
- Able to find a way to go on
- When nothing else can even find a way in.
- It's the gritty, nasty little carrier of such
- diseases as
- optimism, persistence,
- Perseverance and joy,
- Transmissible as it drags its tail across
- your path
- and
- bites you in the ass.
- Hope is not some delicate, beautiful bird,
- Emily.
- It's a lowly little sewer rat
- That snorts pesticides like they were
- Lines of coke and still
- Shows up on time to work the next day
- Looking no worse for wear.#
So, I'm afab and probably agender, which is where the confusion is coming from. I'm on estrogen and progesterone because otherwise my cycle is stuck to 'on', so even my relationship with hormones is complicated.
See, none of that resonates with me at all. Going off my meds makes me feel terrible, but that's from the resulting anemia. I've tried living as a man, I've tried living as a woman, I've never gotten that "yes, this is me" feeling that people talk about. I don't know what "psychological self conceptualization" as a gender means, because it's all uncomfortable for me?
It feels like what you're talking about is the university course and I'm still in primary education.