dullbananas

I think this is my favorite picture ever. (No offense to Cupcake 🐇🫘)

For a little over a year, I've only been maintaining a log of events in my life. Yesterday, I started another log for times when I have a mental model of the future, especially the progression of interpersonal situations. This might make it easier to understand past mistakes and know exactly why I'm confused by present situations.

I highly suspect that not starting this sooner is why it's taking a while for me to fully analyze and write what the heck was I thinking in my situation with girl 4.

• Saying with certainty that a girl likes my brother based on how she looks at him
• Encouraging a focus on making a move on a girl before someone else does (My belief: it's good to try to be the most brave guy, but when determining specific actions, you shouldn't focus on competition)
• Speaking a little negatively about my brother being in a super close friendship with a girl for a while without making a move and about how it supposedly confuses other people

For the Pansystellar Architecture, liberating people from fear is not enough. It needs to liberate people from the imperfections of any culture. It needs to provide assistance and encouragement in seeking perfection instead of perfect imitation.

I attended a retreat at this couple's house, and they told us this story. I see it as an example of liberally seeking connection and not being afraid of causing people to suspect feelings, all before you even know your feelings and desires. Today, I realized how important this story is.

In high school, they became very close friends. They even spent so much time talking on the phone every night. The boy dealt with people thinking that he had a crush on the girl, and he kept on denying it. If I remember correctly, the friendship being platonic seemed a little weird to the other people. After 4 years of friendship, he knew his criteria for his future wife and eventually realized that the girl met all of the criteria. So they talked about this and eventually were in a relationship. The boy valued starting relationships with the trust of a deep platonic friendship. Now they are married and have a kid. (During the retreat, the kid drooled on a table, and the dog licked it.)

When I heard this story, it kinda felt like a glimpse of the future.

This might be the only time that an adult in my life ever spoke positively about being in such a deep friendship and not quickly start dating. In fact, my own parent once spoke a little negatively about it, and it was about my sibling's friendship. For the Pansystellar Architecture, I am choosing freedom. People should not be expected to be so decisive.

To be clear, this doesn't necessarily mean you should force yourself to wait for 4 years or start with lots of strict criteria.

Slightly related fact: At that retreat, we all got flower pots, planted something in it, and kept them. I planted a type of flower called pansies. That's where I got part of this project's codename from.

A thought I had and forgot to mention in the post about the McDonald's girl / girl 3

I can't remember my exact search query, but it included "social skills", "dating", and something like "free guide". Still gotta try a search without "dating".

Useful takeaways:

• Situations that are helpful for connection are very broad, and includes going to a store
• "perhaps you assume that the woman you just approached would never be the type of girl who views a 10-mile hike as refreshing and invigorating. However, instead of avoiding the topic as you may have in the past, this time you choose to share your passion with her, and your tales of outdoor adventure are so compelling, that regardless of her previous outdoor experience (or lack thereof) she is excited to share a new experience with you!"
  • This can be modeled as an example of applying an idea from my "girl 2" post: "Be very skeptical of the division between fantasy and what you are capable of in real life." In this case, it's the fantasy of connection through doing or talking about one of your hobbies, or the fantasy of shared interest in a part of your life.
• Risk is "feeling awkward emotions", reward is "excitement and euphoria by connecting with another human being"
  • Emphasizing that the risk is just "emotions" is potentially very important
  • This view of the reward is useful but too narrow
• "if a woman attempts to “Creep-Shame” you while you are ineffectively attempting to engage her in an interaction, you do not have to accept her reality as your ‘truth’, and you don’t have to resent her either! Instead empathize with her, brush it off, and don’t take it personally."
• "we’ll simply filter a woman’s negative reaction as feedback positively signaling to us that we have room to grow and improve our communication skills"
  • Something that I think is important to add: after discovering a severe negative reaction, we are morally obligated to think just a little bit about how to behave in the future, but we should not make a change that isn't an improvement in every way, and we should focus on the future instead of the past
• "as long as you accept responsibility for your own actions; you do not have to accept anyone’s attempt to guilt you into believing you are a bad person for approaching"
• Possibilities when interacting with someone who is not a potential partner (This information is a starting point for figuring out how to pursuade learners to not try too hard to make interactions connect with a long term goal. To be clear, they should not try to specifically pursue these effects. They should just not have an oversimplified view of what interactions do, and not remain brainwashed by some people's tendency to be surprised by a girl and boy friendship being both strong and platonic. Also I think even this list might be too narrow.)
  • "You COULD attempt to befriend her and join her social circle (since birds of a feather flock together, and perhaps she may try to set you up with one of her friends – but don’t count on that one ;-))"
  • "She could become a great friend and inspire other women to chase you"
  • "showing every other girl in the vicinity how this attractive ineligible woman was able to attract this eligible bachelor – perhaps they will get a chance with you too"
  • "practice befriending a girl"
    • I would describe it as avoiding the habituation of isolation
  • "show you off to her friends"
  • "just become good friends with her. Treat her like one of the guys, trade stories, empathize with her as a friend, and invite her to all your events"
    • The way I've seen it for a few months is that social connection has many effects, it's completely good to look for short term enjoyment, and which effects occur is mostly not for you to try to control

Some issues with the articles (partly why I won't actively encourage learners of the Pansystellar Architecture to look at them):

• It's not clear to me what these mean, and I don't know if they are okay:
  • "there will be times when you will have to over-shoot and under-shoot the mark"
  • "There will be times when you will, sometimes by accident, and sometimes on purpose, make mistakes"
• "if she chooses to miss out on the amazingness that is you" is a risky choice of words (I'm getting "nice guy" vibes)
• What it says about physical bonding is not supportive enough of chastity

Link to the first article: https://www.textise.net/showText.aspx?strURL=https%253A//archive.is/2022.02.02-085649/https%253A//www.girlschase.com/article/social-life/social-skills-101-basic-social-skills-are-100-crucial#main-content

Click the title after "read next" to see the next article (there's 3)

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/24426937

1. Things about the person that are legitimately unique and special to you
2. Things that affect how much you know or infer about the person, such as how much you interact with or think about the person

Being aware of the second factor could help you try to know more people and reduce the chance of hallucinated differentness or specialness of people.

I did not think about this at all before today.