VirulentAura

Ever since I came out to my wife and kids, and started being myself, my personality has changed, a lot. I'm more extroverted, weirdly enough. I've been a bit sharper with the kids, not in a mean way, but, more of a no-nonsense kinda way. I used to walk around the house naked all the time, but now I feel compelled to cover up. I blame a disconnect with my body on that one.

I feel more confident to just, go up and talk to people, ask if I can take their picture. I can make posts without second-guessing myself and deleting them.

I know it's all just me finally getting in touch with myself, but it feels weird, even to me. I used to be this demure, quiet, self conscious girl, but now that I'm letting her out, she refuses to go back into the box. It's like a seal was broken. I'm having anxiety about going to my nephews birthday party, cuz I'm not out to that part of my family, and most of them are fundamental Christians.

I did manage to talk to one of my brothers today, and he accepts me, though he has some bias. Basically told me if it was anyone else, he wouldn't be so willing. So I have some work to do there. Or not, if I can't help him see people as people.

Remember, everyone, not just the trans community: You are loved. You are valid. It's okay for you to be you.

Trigger warning: dysphoria, if it isn't obvious.

It's kinda fucked up, amirite? I feel like a couple of people tried to get me down today, and I stood up for myself. And it felt good! I've been waiting 37 years to be me, to be the bad bitch I always wanted to be, always being so demure, so quiet, so... Passive. But since I came out I've felt this energy, this confidence I've never had before. I even went to, and through the grocery store in full girlmode! Yoga pants hugging my excellent buttocks and all. (It's the one thing everyone complemented me on when I thought I was a guy) Nobody batted an eye, even found a cool dude promoting love and positivity

(I thought I got a good picture, but I didn't T_T. Imagine a 75 year old dude that rode his bike to Walmart, just... holding a sign saying "You're Loved." The coolest of cats.)

And then... My brain has been unloading every intimate detail of my childhood; being 7, and told I can't take a bath with my 4yo cousin cuz she's a girl, and I'm a boy, and you just don't do that. Boys don't play with Barbies. The hair growing all over my body at puberty. I've always called myself "wolf man" from all the hair.

I cried for 15 minutes yesterday because I had the realization that my mom will never put my hair up, just cuz I asked my wife to help me fix my hair while she was watching me play video games.

I cried for 10 minutes today after shaving my right arm, and seeing how pretty it actually is under the hair. And then my wife got upset cuz I told her I was gonna slow down, but then I cought sight of my ugly, hairy man-hands and needed to fix that right now, and shaved my arms this morning. Thinking back on that is making me feel really dysphoric. I just want to be like you (her).

I'm sorry for the vent. I just needed to clear my head. And I'm so sorry if I trigger anyone or ruin their day. I just needed to lament on what is probably a common experience.

Hi, girls! I have been wanting to make a post for a few days, and just need to get some things off my chest. I think I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum, and it's kinda hard getting my thoughts into a coherent order, but I'm gonna try.

Three days ago, I officially started my journey. I thought I was gonna start with crossdressing and go from there, but I'm fooling myself. I came out to my wife and children, which was both easy and hard.

Easy, because two of my children are NB and transgender.

Hard, because first, being yourself is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and second, my wife has always described herself as straight.

She has been extremely supportive. She's letting me wear some of her leggings that don't fit her any more, but fit me comfortably, and in ways I'd almost like. (It hugs my butt really well, but I don't have hips)

She's given me tips for shaving my legs, and has offered to help me learn how to do makeup and my nails, but she is struggling.

And it's a lot, for both of us. I love shaving my legs. I hate shaving my chest and face. And I think I realized, as I shaved my chest for the first time, I hate shaving my face, and now my chest, cuz it's in my way from looking as girly as I want. I hate shaving my face and chest because I have to to present as feminine, but I like shaving my legs because I get to and it makes me feel feminine. Gotta say tho, I (mostly) love the results from shaving my chest and belly. It feels really good(except for the stubble on my chest/breasts)

I've doven headlong into my transgender journey. Shaving my legs, butt, and chest. Wearing women's clothes at least in the yard of our apartment, kinda in public. I do throw jeans over my leggings when I go to the store and the like, cuz I'm still not completely socially out yet, but we are moving soon, and I feel like, maybe, in a new place, I can girlmode all the time? I don't have to worry about my conservative parents or siblings causing me hell because Jerry saw me at Walmart, and it getting back to mom when she goes to church.

I've also been looking for packing underwear and breast plates or breast forms, but I like doing my shopping in person. It's different seeing a picture on the screen and looking at it in person, even if it is through packaging.

I am worried though. My brain is screaming it wants female hormones. I hate all this body hair. I want full breasts of my own, not ones I have to wear. But I've read my sexuality my change. I don't want that. I love her very, very much. And, please don't hate on her, but the one thing she doesn't want me to get rid of is my penis, which is fine by me. I like sex. I like sex with her. But if I start hormones, there is a very real possibility that the sexual dynamic will change. I've read penetrative sex could be uncomfortable, as your sensitivity and the thickness of your skin changes. But! Getting rid of random erections sounds so great! But! If you don't "exercise" your organ, it could atrophy, possibly becoming nigh useless.

All this is a lot. I'm scared. I'm excited. My wife says that this is the happiest she has ever seen me. Ever. In our nearly twenty years of relationship, nearly 18 years of marriage.

Anyways, thanks for coming to my TED Talk. -VA

TL;DR: I'm transing my gender, and I'm scared and excited