this post was submitted on 05 Jul 2023
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[–] [email protected] 49 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Image Transcription: Comic


[Swords DCCXXXIX: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON, by Matthew J Wills]


Panel 1

[A sword with a brightly glowing blade. The hilt is blue and scaly, while the guard forms the shape of two yellow-eyed, green-scaled dragons consuming one another's tails to form a circle. The pommel features a ring hole from one side to the other. At the tip of the blade are two dots and a very thin line forming a slightly smiling face.]

A SWORD THAT GLOWS BRIGHTLY WHENEVER YOU'RE HUNGRY


Panel 2

[A sword on a wavy dark blue background. The blade is large, heavy, and only sharp on one side. There is a large spike like a dorsal fin bending backwards from the blunt edge, two divets like side fins on the flat, four divets along the sharp edge, and a large crack digging into the tip, reminiscent of a toothy maw. The hilt is dark brown, seemingly bound with leather straps.]

A SWORD THAT ONLY WORKS UNDER WATER


Panel 3

[A sword with a blade enclosed in pink-and-white striped wax, like a decorative candle. The hilt is blue, with a crossguard that curls up towards the blade. At the tip of the blade, the wax is melted away, revealing a dark, sharp interior like the wick of a candle, and more reminiscent of a wooden stake than of a blade. This tip is on fire, and the fire blazes forwards to form a more conventional sword-tip shape.]

A FIRE SWORD THAT ONLY LASTS FOR A SINGLE DAY


Panel 4

[A jagged, decrepit sword, curved in multiple places. The tip curves forwards then hooks back again like the tip of a khopesh, with two distinct, sudden corners to change angle instead of a gradual curve.

Beneath the tip, the blade is partially enclosed in a wooden guard of some sort. There is a spiral marking leading into a line on the upper part of this, and the wood is unenclosed at the front until the very bottom of the blade, where it closes over and curves to a very thin point before curving back to meet the hilt.

From the spot just above the hilt, grey hair like a beard emerges from the wood. The hilt is wrapped in white strapping of some sort, and the pommel has a ring hole from one side to the other, and three spikes, one on the bottom, two on the sides.]

A SWORD THAT STEALS THE VICTIMS AGE AND ADDS IT TO THE WIELDERS


I am a human who transcribes posts to improve accessibility on Lemmy. Transcriptions help people who use screen readers or other assistive technology to use the site. For more information, see here.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I wouldn't have known the first sword had a smiley face on it this quickly without this transcription.

[–] [email protected] 43 points 1 year ago (10 children)

I'd get the fourth sword, then I'd take a regular dagger, and cut open a pregnant cow or cat or dog or something. I'd then slay all the kittens or calves or puppies with my new sword. Since the animals are not born yet, they would have an age of less than 0. When we add their negative age to mine, I'd become weeks or even months younger per kill! With this I will have everlasting youth!

[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Well this is the most reddit like thing I've seen on Lemmy so far....

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Uh oh... Is that a bad thing?

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You may want to see a therapist.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Nah, I'm completely fine. I was only trying to find a way to get the most benefit from the four choices given in the post. We don't live in a world with magic, so I don't see myself ever doing anything like that.

Thanks for your concern though.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

Am I really so strange? There are tales as old as time itself where powerful people seek everlasting life, and they are willing to commit far worse atrocities to reach their goals. For me the price is merely the lives of a few barnyard animals, common livestock that would have died for the goals of man anyway! This is no different than you eating a meal.

Is the amount of food that would barely feed a small army really such a high price to pay for a longer healthier life? I think not!

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Or just hire someone to stab you with the sword a couple times. There's bound to be some poor people who'd do it for a bit of gold.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Impressive, you had a more evil response than mine!

I feel like the chances of you getting a drunk or some sort of criminal who decides to kill you all the way with the sword and take all of your gold while not knowing what the sword does would eventually end up killing you, though. It's even possible that there's nothing nefarious behind it too, they just happen to stab you in the right way where you end up bleeding out or something.

Or maybe, some poor men's wives would appear and hunt you down. Angry that you somehow stole something from them when they already had nothing. After stealing their husbands' youths, they're now out for blood! I dunno, haha.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

What a terrible day to be literate

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

Fuckin, holy shit man....

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[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Bruh, the first one. Then I'll never have to second guess my stomach ever again. Plus I could finally, freely finagle free food from folks.

Edit: Alliteration.

[–] [email protected] 22 points 1 year ago (1 children)

It also works as a sword, unlike the other 3

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[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

The light sword is the only good option.

Swords are pretty useless underwater because water is much denser then air.
The candle sword, and sword that kills you are self explanatory.

Just use it as a light source when you're hungry, and if you need to be stealthy bring some snacks.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I was thinking about it more as the "sword of dieting" because it should tell you when you're actually hungry, not just bored or whatever, and will stop glowing when your hunger has been properly satiated so you know when to stop eating!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

Or the sword of ADHD. "Oh shit, I'm actually super hungry!"

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

That's clever! I would just pick the sea sword for party tricks.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'll take the sword that glows brightly while hungry. Given I always feel hungry, I'll blind everyone then stab them.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Bonus, this way you'll know when you're actually hungry and not just bored.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Oh, good point. That could be useful, as long as I actually heed the sword.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I think I'm hungry.

looks at non-glowing sword

Eh.

stuffs face anyway

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Strangely, it might start to glow as I eat.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Annnd, sold! I was going to go for the fire sword that only lasts one day, but I would probably just set my clothes on fire with it.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

You know too much! Yah I go to the refrigerator and open door and take a quick look cause of boredom alone.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Number 4 doesn't say it has to kill to work.

Have a young person hold it who wants to escape the oppression of youth.

Then I cut myself on it, somewhere mid forearm where it doesn't hurt as much, and hold it there.

They get "old enough" to be treated like a person, I get back in my prime, everybody wins.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Ok but chase that concept through capitalism. Control of the sword falls into the wrong hands, and that person becomes immeasurably powerful. Inevitably you end us with a dystopian nightmare where the ruling class trades youth to the rich and connected, while creating a market for poor sacrificial children.

Sword like that, best to drop it into the ocean.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Isn't selling the best years of your life to old capitalists pretty much how capitalism already works?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

You also sell the wear and tear of your body. So, arguably this is better.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

You're right, this is just more literal.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago

ITT - people reading the aging sword backwards

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I choose to stab myself with #4

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Does the sword make me age or live forever?

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 year ago (1 children)

A sword that steals the age of the victim, take 50 years, and adds it to the user, 20yr old gains 50yrs. Makes him 70yrs old

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

So if I'm suddenly old, my friends will know that whatever went down must've been justified.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Or you went berzerk in a nursing home.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The only way to go berserk without dying of old age really quickly would be like... a daycare...

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Should have been a lightsaber then.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Master Skywalker, there are to many of them. What are we going to do?

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The last swords only good for killing babies and newborns

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

So 3 useless options or one evil but extremely useful option?

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Please explain. Add means make older.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Give the sword to someone you hate for them to use.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I'm taking the one that glows when you're hungry, at least it might double as a way of blinding your enemy and it won't kill you via old age.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

These silly swords reminds me of that show Mighty Magiswords.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

#2 because it's gonna be a sword on 70% of the planet. Especially since you live in a magical world with fish people and spells that make you breathe underwater and protect you from pressure,etc, etc. Meanwhile the first sword lets your enemies know you are hungry, which a really smart enemy could take advantage of.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

I'm taking that last sword and hitting David Attenborough until I croak.

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