A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
C-130 rollin down the strip,
64 ponies on a one way trip,
Mission clop secret, destination unknown,
Don’t even know if they’re ever prancin home.
Stand up, hook up, trot to the door,
Jump right out at the count of four,
If my main don’t open wide,
It’s likely because a horse was not designed for the parachute and this resulted in a disaster.
Mission Clop secret broke me haha
Airborne!
Please tell me you didn't use chatgpt for this.
I actually wrote this from memory and replaced some of the words with a horse theme. …but now I want to see what ChatGPT can make for a motivational airborne horse cadence.
“When it comes to throwing horses out of airplanes, just say ‘neigh.’”
PETA could never
While I understand that it is a statistical rarity for horses to die from being thrown from a plane, it does happen on occasion. I'm currently dealing with my insurance provider trying to get my payment after my car was totalled by a flying Clydesdale last week
Dibs on Flying Clydesdale for my band name
I'll play bass
As soon as I actually learn how
Damn are the writers strikes hitting the Onion as well?
Parachutes for the Emergency Transit of Animals
Bill Gates seeds the clouds with horses to control the weather
I’m really bothered that, I’m not sure if the onion is making it up, or if they are making fun of PETA for the ad that PETA was crazy enough to actually run
Or is it the point that satire is so truly dead that I’m thinking that it could be a real ad…
Big whiff. If you're going to make fun of an activist organization at least make it a good joke.
It's PETA, those dipshits claimed that milk causes autism.
They're also the organization that steals pets from people's yard and puts them in PETA's all kill shelter.
Stole pet*
And the two employees responsible for it were immediately fired because they went against PETA'S own guidelines
This is like boycotting Burger King because they stick their feet in the lettuce
Edit: and, speaking as someone who once worked at an animal shelter, it's a wildly unpopular opinion but kill shelters are a necessity. Especially ones like PETA's, which provides end-of-life care. I could link to the pictures of the kind of animal they put to sleep, but I don't think you want to see dogs who are more tumor than dog, or cats who are missing most of their skin. It's easy to look at your own pet and imagine how horrific it would be for them to be euthanized. It's harder to look at a cat who can't eat because his mouth is essentially one large ulcer. A cat that I had to take care of. A cat that had to suffer for months because we were a no-kill shelter.
PETA doesn't provide end of life care, they just kill pets because that's their ideology. They think pets shouldn't exist at all. They've gotten in trouble more than once for killing animals within hours of receiving them at the shelter.
In the last 12 years, PETA has killed 31,250 companion animals. While PETA claims the animals it takes in and kills are "unadoptable," this is a lie. It is a lie because employees have admitted it is a lie. They have described 8 week old, 10 week old, and 12 week old healthy kittens and puppies routinely and immediately put to death with no effort to find them homes. It is a lie because rescue groups, individuals, and veterinarians have come forward stating that the animals they gave PETA were healthy and adoptable and PETA insiders have admitted as much, one former intern reporting that he quit in disgust after witnessing perfectly healthy puppies and kittens in the kill room. It is a lie because PETA refuses to provide its criteria for making the determination as to whether or not an animal is "unadoptable." It is a lie because according to a state inspector, the PETA facility where the animals are impounded was designed to house animals for no more than 24 hours. It is a lie because PETA staff have described the animals they have killed as "healthy," "adorable" and "perfect." It is a lie because PETA itself admits it does not believe in "right to life for animals." And it is a lie because when asked what sort of effort PETA routinely makes to find adoptive homes for animals in its care, PETA had no comment.
And the "stolen pet" has happened more than once, it's just that they got sued the one time.
In 2007, a PETA worker in Virginia was arrested and charged with a felony count of theft after she was found to be in possession of a sheriff's hunting dog. The charge was eventually reduced to a misdemeanor and dismissed entirely in 2008:
It is a lie because employees have admitted it is a lie.
Citation needed. See if you can find literally anything that doesn't come from CORE, the CCF, or Nathan Winograd.
It is a lie because PETA itself admits it does not believe in "right to life for animals."
Really? That's weird, because they actually encourage the adoption of multiple animals.
But hey why listen to the actual things the organization says, when we just fucking make shit up about them?
Right, yeah, they picked up a dog that was left at the side of the road. Absolute fucking monsters. They should have let it get run over like its owner intended.
While PETA claims the animals it takes in and kills are "unadoptable," this is a lie.
I didn't want to link these pictures, but fuck it, you clearly need to see them.
Look at this precious adorable kitten.
yeah, that's a stretch. It was two employees going rogue. And they were fired immediately.
It's happened more than once.
In 2007, a PETA worker in Virginia was arrested and charged with a felony count of theft after she was found to be in possession of a sheriff's hunting dog. The charge was eventually reduced to a misdemeanor and dismissed entirely in 2008:
I also can't actually find any evidence that the employees who took the girl's dog were fired at all. I'd imagine that it happened after PETA lost the lawsuit, but again, I can't find it.
There's no evidence one way or the other, so clearly the rational thing is to assume the worst about the organization
On an unrelated note, I've never seen you say you don't hate gay people, so I'll just start letting people know that [email protected] is a massive homophobe
As you've demonstrated, there being no evidence for the claim isn't a good reason not to believe it!
You're still mindlessly defending a horrible organization that has actually set animal rights back by being horrible.
For fuck's sake, they Still claim that milk causes autism.
Ad hominin attacks won't change the facts here.
As to their policy on pets, they've compared owning pets to owning slaves. Which leads to this shit.
Here are more accusations of them stealing pets and falsifying records, to go with the above link where they provably killed adoptable animals and falsified records.
I like how you linked to a news story about two people being charged, but not the news story about those charges being dropped. Dumping the bodies in the trash is awful. They should have put them in a freezer and had them buried when possible like most shelters do.
Again, I've worked at a no-kill shelter before. I've been forced to take care of cats that I WISH we had PETA around to put out of their misery. It does not bother me in the slightest that they euthanize animals.
I encourage you to read the following text from the second link you posted
Note that the following is the testimony of one woman, and must be considered merely allegation until substantiated.
Now, here's an interesting page suggesting that maybe Troje isn't being entirely honest, and is in fact being, at least in part, provably dishonest in her allegations. If she's willing to lie about the scale of PETA's spay/neuter operations, which she did, what else might she be lying about? This page contains the "Speaking Out About PETA" blog that that archived page references
I think it's interesting that within two years, the events of the year 2000 managed to change so very much. It sounds a bit more like a disgruntled ex-employee than a whistleblower to me.
Please, find me a single dog that PETA has kidnapped and euthanized without permission, whose name was not Maya. Until you find one, stop spreading CCF propaganda.
Edit: also, what ad hominem? The homophobe thing was an attempt to show you that allegations without receipts shouldn't necessarily be taken seriously. That's not ad hominem, stupid. And neither was that.
I only checked the title now, I thought the image was picturing peta as the plane, it made more sense.
