No Stupid Questions

I'm gonna let everyone in on a lil secret.

You can absolutely fuck up a bird. Their bones are hollow and light, making them super kickable. Even a 4" human still has multiple feet of height over most species of bird, meaning you can wind up a solid kick and still probably send whatever beaked menace is after you flying. If it comes for your eyes or face, even your weakest punch will give it pause.

Now, defending yourself from a bird attack without harming the bird attacking you? Yeah that's really hard, because most of your immediate reactions like trying to grab or restrain it will likely result in hurting the bird.

Haven’t seen it mentioned here, so a word to the wise: their beaks are somewhere sharp-edged, and if we’re to grasp the beak and your hand were to slide lengthwise (towards or away from the tip), you could sustain a nasty cut.

Source: adolescent me harassing pelicans that were a lil too inquisitive about my days’ fishing catch on a dock somewhere near Cedar Key, FL.

probably not going to attack you, but if it does you should be ok because you are bigger and stronger

Pelicans have stupid stumpy little legs, basically no talons because they have webbed ducklike feet, and are able to apply very little biting force with their beaks due to the length. Pelicans feed by scooping things up and swallowing them whole. They don't bite, tear, or chew. I've never seen one try to peck anything. They're certainly not built for that.

If you grabbed a pelican by the beak I think there is vanishingly little it could actually do to you aside from squirming and flapping feathers all over the place. You should be fairly clear to yeet the thing into the ocean at your own convenience.

I wouldn't worry to much about pelicans. Fun fact - pelicans try to eat people sometimes. They basically try to eat every animal, because they have no sense of scale for their food they can swallow. And they don't risk much by trying - most large animals have the same incredulous reaction we do

They are not very bright birds nor very quick ones. They are also not very agile. And as a bird, they have hollow bones and you could kill them with a solid fist to the chest... I once saw the aftermath of two shin high dogs tearing one apart. On a small balcony. There was blood everywhere... The dogs were covered in it, completely uninjured and very pleased with themselves

I wouldn't worry, even if they have the sharp bits that could injure you, they lack the instincts to use them properly

They could scratch you up for sure, maybe poke an eye, but they're more likely to avoid to than attack unless they're guarding a nest or something. If they come at you, take off your jacket, an umbrella, or grab a tarp or something and open it up to catch their beak/claws and probably scare them away too.

If you happen to have something like an air horn, that would also probably scare them off.

Can you please write a review on Google or something? I would love to know how you would rate the Pelican's performance in your upcoming battle.

It's be hard to fight what you can't see.

Ok so my experience comes from catching chickens and clawed ducks as a child, so assuming you're a full grown adult, and this chart, the ratios are the same.

You gotta catch them from surprise, from the back, but it sounds like you're already in the fight if shit goes down. The beak is your issue. The wings are just a distraction. Get the pelican bastard from the neck, as high as possible if you can and try to grab the legs. ChatGPT says they don't really use their legs to fight, but worst case, start swinging it. I bet once you clamp on the beak, it'll be hard for it to open. Like how alligators can chomp down, but have trouble opening. Once it's subdued, it might stay freaked out for a while. You just gotta hold it until it accepts defeat.

Then take it to your mom and she'll take the head and feathers off for dinner.

Best of luck brother.

Arrange a Knife-Pelican Fight and make damn sure you Bring a gun to that party

Most likely the worst it would do is some light scratches and bites, but that beak tip could tear up some skin if it scrapes across the skin like a box cutter knife. Those beak tips are surprisingly sharp.

But it would all be superficial from the claws and beak. The main danger would be from bacteria and other pathogens causing infections if those wounds aren't cleaned.

My knowledge of cartoon physics tells me that birds are essentially immune to any damage. If you punch them in the beak it will just spin around until they, using their opposable thumbs, adjust it back into place. If you punch them in the neck you'll just leave a temporary fist shaped aberration in their spinal cord which will quickly snap back into place. Aiming for their feet or body is futile since they'll just instantly dodge your attack by flexing their mass dramatically out of the way and instantly counter with significant emotional damage.

It is a fight you can't win good Sir or Madame.

I have no idea, but I really hope some genius on Lemmy creates a simulation of this fight so we can all have a great time watching it.

It's basically the rules of a knife fight: The primary goal is to control the weapon, in this case the talons. Both of you are definitely going to get fucked up if you try.

The birds on the boardwalk for food. The most aggressive thing it's likely to do is to steal your food.