this post was submitted on 13 Aug 2024
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[–] [email protected] 108 points 2 months ago (1 children)

If I farted 100 times more than I usually do, I’d basically be inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my ass.

[–] [email protected] 26 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Yeah I'd take 10 times maybe, but 100?? That's an ass load of farts.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 months ago
[–] [email protected] 73 points 2 months ago (2 children)

I'd consider from the other direction. If I constantly farted all day, and I had the option of concentrating 99% of those farts into once daily solid waste deposit, I'd be quite excited about the potential of my future social life.

[–] [email protected] 24 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (2 children)

A good regular solid deposit is one of those very important health things that everyone takes for granted till you cant.

Good choice.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Dude for real. I never understood what the deal was with constipation, like ok, you can't poop, so don't poop, what's the problem, just wait for it. And then I hit the last month of my pregnancy and JFC alright. Alright, I get it now. At least I remember getting it for a short period of my life, and I have to constantly remind me of how unpleasant that was. Because I am blessed with the easiest bowel movements of them all. It takes me about as long to poop as it takes me to pee. The consistency is top notch. Not gonna lie, my poops are so nice I wish I could take a picture and put them on my CV as qualification.

But I won't take them for granted anymore. It can change. And I have learned to bear compassion for others.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago

I wish I could take a picture and put them on my CV as qualification.

Do it!

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

Because I am blessed with the easiest bowel movements of them all

Lord, bless my bowel movements, make them easy and brief, yet complete.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 months ago

I'm not sure if we're talking about poop or finances here, but it's true either way

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

GasX pretty much does this

[–] [email protected] 32 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Would you rather have one horse-sized poop or a hundred duck-sized farts?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Definitely duck-sized farts. That would probably feel amazing decompressing all that gas. And probably wouldn't kill you like the horse-sized poop. Unless you asphyxiated I suppose...

[–] [email protected] 20 points 2 months ago (2 children)

I’m literally sitting here in my car, afraid to turn on the Uber app because I’ve been farting constantly all day and unable to poop.

Jesus christ

[–] [email protected] 10 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Oof good luck, constipation is no joke. I've been suffering because of it for years.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

It’s only been today. My gut is telling me it’ll be fine by end of day.

Went to the store and just grabbed stuff off the hot bar by intuition. A big meatball, some steamed broccoli and bell peppers, roasted carrots and potatoes. All the gas stopped when I ate that stuff.

Most of my health issues these days last like half a day. I’ve gotten a lot better at trusting my body when it asks for a certain food.

No idea why that set of stuff ended the gas, but it did.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Are you using benefiber or something? You may need a docusate sodium gentle laxative too.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

the issue with me is that I've used most laxatives and fibre supplements, nothing seems to work its just getting worse and worse. I've had a colonoscopy, and gastroscopy but nothing came out of it.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

You are not immune to the chemical or biological effects of laxatives and fiber. As a test of your diet, please name 5 vegetables with high fiber content.

If you are legitimately doing all that you can, you should be eating a high fiber diet. So this test should be easy. I'm trying to help you, because I know someone who had the same issue. It's mostly diet.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

Lentils(all types), beans, avocado, and broccoli. I eat a combination of theses a day with a bit of protein on the side(fish, chicken and red meat).

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Makes sense. If I had that issue, I'd try going vegetarian for a meal or two. Like eat a ton of high fiber legumes instead of meat. Oatmeal for breakfast (add chocolate), something with chickpeas for lunch, some meat etc. for dinner.

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 2 months ago (3 children)

hmmm, nah

signed - a lactose intolerant person who likes to have some dairy sometimes

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago (4 children)

Aren't lactase pills everywhere and really cheap?

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 months ago (1 children)

They're not fully effective for those of us who like really really intolerant of that delicious, forbidden lactose.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

They're not very effective and I'm not even very intolerant.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Well it's people like you that make lactose intolerance a constant problem you can't put up with it you have to say no I will not tolerate it the more we let it get by the more it's going to push back against us this is how we got in the mess in the first place

Jk obv

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago

Yes, but they're not heat stable, so you have to specifically remember to bring some with you and can't just leave them in a hot car. They also don't work with everything. Something like pizza, where the lactose is trapped inside the cheese, still causes problems even with lactase pills.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago

I’m also lactase pill intolerant

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

i usually avoid dairy but sometimes i just have the craving to have a cheesy pizza, or a big cappuciono, i have yet to remember to buy those whenever that happens, i rarely go over board to start having stomach cramps so usually i just feel weak and fart a lot for the rest of the day

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

I have a friend who is obsessed with cheese and is highly lactose intolerant. He eats lactase pills like tic tacs and has about three packs on him at all times.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago (3 children)

Isn't plant milk everywhere now?

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago (2 children)
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[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

it's not the same :(

whenever i drink milk it's always full fat milk, it's the milkiest. No plant milk can compare with the fullness of its taste

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Plant milk doesn't normally have the same level of fullness (in technical terms, it doesn't have such a pronounced body), and also introduces alternate taste, so it's not good for everything, unfortunately.

Some of the oat milk does have a more pronounced body in my experience, but such oat milk normally has intense oatmeal taste. Coconut milk is on the other extreme, it is commonly very empty, but also introduces little taste of its own.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

Thanks for your experiment

[–] [email protected] 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)

You can tell it was a kid because he said "then normal". Kids are fucking stupid.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 months ago (1 children)

So you fart 100 times and then fart the normal amount

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Is it that I would just fart 100 times when I wake up and then fart normal the rest of the day? If I knew when the 100 farts were coming or if I could plan them out to happen at once, then I might take that deal. I poop a lot at times. Mainly the morning.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Maybe instead of pooping the poop juat transforms into 100 farts when it reaches the end of your digestive tract. So you go to the toilet and instead of dumping a log you just fart for 5 minutes straight.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

That would be dope. I'd take that deal.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago

Same. No more wiping my ass

[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 months ago

I have IBS. 100x more farts would basically turn me into a leaf blower, but the idea of not needing to poop again would be heaven.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

Collaborate.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago

Hey I have a version of this. Instead of pooping I can’t burp so I bust ass 10x more than the average person.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago

Fuck no, I love pooping. What do you think allows me to comment now?

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago

Pooping is one of life's simple pleasures.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

So basically we need to figure out the functional shit:fart value so we can convert any number.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Whitepeoplemastodon

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Sounds like what my almost 30 yo friends would say before an exceedingly serious conversation

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