Ah yes my previous roommate
this post was submitted on 30 Jul 2024
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Has anybody here ever helped a friend overcome this? I have a friend who has been this way for years and it is really frustrating that I can't seem to help them work through it. This continued behavior has been a big cause of friction in our friendship.
Steven Hayes’s A Liberated Mind goes into this a little bit. Basically, if you are psychologically flexible and your interactions target the psychological flexibility processes, you will create the best conditions possible for change. For example, if you notice they are adopting a conceptualized sense of self tied to failure, then you could point it out: “It sounds like you think you are destined to fail”.
If that book is too long or complicated, you can check out What Makes You Stronger, where the DNA-V model is laid out. DNA-V is a simpler and perhaps more intuitive way of understanding the psychological flexibility processes. Once again, you first want to psychologically flexible yourself. Then, you want to (tactfully and when appropriate) point out the advice your friend’s brain is telling them; have them notice their inner experiences and perhaps their outer experience; and establish what matters to them and how to explore/discover routes towards that.
Another book that touches upon this, but from a different point of view is Never Split the Difference. While it’s written from a bravado and a hostage negotiation point of view, if you read it with critical eyes, you can learn a lot from it. Being a mirror for others, addressing fears head on in a tactful and compassionate way, and asking calibrated questions can be helpful.
I’d say that, more important than applying specific change techniques, it’s most important for you to be psychologically flexible so that you can be present and compassionate with your friend. Only then can anything else flow.
You can't really help someone that doesn't want to be helped, until they want it you can only be supportive and an inspiration/showcase/model.
The way to break out of it is to focus on your zone of control and do small, but noticeable things. Even if you can only decide where the papers on your desk go, start there and put them where you want them, then practice putting them back in their new place as they move around.
Build upon that success with other small wins in areas you can affect, and slowly the zone will grow bigger.
I have a friend like that, or will had a friend like that. They simply refused to do anything to help themselves and when given the option we're helping themselves was the easier less difficult task to do would intentionally choose the harder one to harm themselves.
This seems to happen because of self-esteem issues, believing that they simply cannot get better and when given the option rather than debunking their internal monologue of helplessness they will act to reinforce that monologue because otherwise they would have to take on the arduous task of exorcising their inner demons.
And the thing is, if you believe something hard enough it will become true.
If you believe that you are a piece of shit destined for misery and failure you will ultimately act in ways to ensure that you encounter misery and failure in your life.
I struggle with that myself but I am aware of it and I'm getting better and I'm doing the work to evict my demons. I will overcome.
Just wait and see.