Yesterday was the first time in my life I came close to self-harm. I bought some bralettes and gaffs to, I don't even know, try to look more feminine I guess? But I tried them on and I looked, for lack of a better description, breathtakingly revolting. So bad I think I must have disassociated for about fifteen minutes, no thoughts no emotions, just pulling them off me like live snakes. Then I had a breakdown.
I had to fight the urge all day yesterday and today to delete this account, and my matrix account, and discord, and any other account I could remember, fight the urge to isolate myself from everyone and everything so I would never have to be perceived by anyone ever again.