Asklemmy

"Ahoy 'hoy" like Mr. Burns in the Simpsons?

This one's pretty mild: I always answer my phone with "Yellow?"

Nobody has ever noticed or questioned me about it.

I answered my work phone with "Morgans Morgue; you kill'em, we chill'em" once. My coworker did not expect that and cracked up.

I've used the same line with different slogan a few times, but that's the one that worked the best.

City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em

Or you slice 'em, we ice (or dice, if you want gruesome) 'em

Joe's pool hall, 8 ball speaking

Sam's sanitarium, what nut do you want?

Town grocery, you want the fruit or the vegetable?

Bill's grill, where our meat fits your buns, how can we serve?

Bill's grill, where we shove our greasy meat in your mouth, how can we serve?

I used to have a whole list of these things I picked up over the years, but being able to ignore calls without having to hear them ring has made me forget a lot more

One time my dad and I were sitting in the car while my mom and wife were shopping (fabric store, not our jam). They kept calling us and we kept answering, pretending to be our voicemail messages.

I don't know how we could keep calm while talking, because we were laughing our asses off in between calls, but it worked!

Moshi Moshi

I sometimes answer with "Come in please" when I know who's calling. Never stops irritating people lol.

Every time I call one of my higher ups at work he'll say something dumb like "Dominos pizza how can I help you" or "This is the product owner help line, no we can't change your due dates".

I generally get a chuckle out of it.

Last time he called me his therapist.

"Catholic freight depot random city" makes callers pause for a second to think about what they just heard.

One of my dad's favourites, which I use, as deep as possible "Lunch room, this is Susan". Works great when it's a telemarketer from an overseas, outsourced call centre...

Was at the house of a relative of a friend. When the phone rang he asked me to answer it. Suddenly realizing I didn't know the name of the home owner and lacking anything beyond "hello", I simply said, "Massachusetts."

“I’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty “

mmmmmmYellow

In a non-local language.

This also provides a minimal level of security against robocall scams.

Ahoy-hoy!

"Fluffy's Intimate Massage and Car Wash, you're speaking with Fluffy, how can I help?"

Every since I moved to Texas, I started saying "howdy" just to annoy my sister. But I guess the jokes on me, because lately I have been forgetting and she has been saying it.

"[your city] Police, how can I help you."

"Thanks for calling in to 102.5! You're on the air! What is your embarrassing poop story?"

City Morgue, spare parts division.

Guy I was working with would answer his phone with "Hi, can I speak to *person who was calling* please?"

喂你好！（or any language the caller probably doesn't understand!)

I think I have the wrong number

Welcome to the wooorld of tomorroooow!

Supposedly, my grandpa used to do "Schwartz's Mortuary, Iberium Deep speeking."

Dazarter's mule stable, which ass do you want to talk to?

Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color

“Hello, it’s been so long, how are you!?” confuses them every time. Same with “ok, sounds good, see you then!”

Mulder

I use jak sie masz. The phrase from Borat which apparently also means how are you in polish.

Bob's dildo emporium, we pluck em you fuck em.

Sneed’s Seed and Feed, formerly Chuck’s