Dads

I'm on midnight watch with our 6 week old daughter as I'm typing this. Your girlfriend just created a whole 'nother human being, then either forced it out an oriface or had major abdominal surgery, and is now expending about 1500 calories per day making milk to sustain the little being. While this is happening, her brain and body is swimming in a hormone soup to form an immense bond with baby and begin resetting her body. She's exhausted. She feels gross and sex is the last thing on her mind. Doctors recommend no earlier than 2 months for vaginal birth and 3 for c-sections.

Like it or not, when you signed up to become a parent, you gave away the "lead character" role. Both of you exist to keep the newborn thriving right now. You will have a chance to be intimate with your girlfriend again. But it will be on your child's schedule, not yours.

This may sound counterintuitive, but Steal the kid, as much as you can. You said the moments with your daughter are bright points, and Mom is quite burdened. Kill two birds with one stone, take the little one to some library baby group this weekend, and make it a weekly fun event (for you, maybe a way to talk to other local parents).

Seven weeks is not old at all though, maybe just take the baby out for some walks, either in a stroller or in a baby wearing harness. some good time, some exercise, and get Mom some time, and household stress will improve.

I'm not getting much love, care, understanding or respect from anywhere at the moment

It's part of parenthood. Your girlfriend and daughter need you. Some of your needs have to take a back seat for a while until everything settles down.

I went through the same. Things will improve with time. As your daughter gets older, you'll find more freedom.

You mentioned spending time with friends. Take a bit of time for yourself, especially if you feel recharged afterward. I didn't, and I think it made my life harder.

And like other posters said: take your daughter out in the stroller so your girlfriend has time to herself as well.

This is hindsight for me, not having understood this well enough at the time, but it takes a lot of time. I don’t think many of us fathers understand enough the compounded physical and mental tolls of gestation, birth, and the new lifestyle sans rest. She’s likely absolutely, existentially, exhausted.

It’s perhaps not that we are no longer a priority, but can’t be the first priority. We know that. You must already feel that you aren’t even your own number one priority. But there’s a time period that the baby and her own health take up all 24 hours. Nothing for it but time and good health and patience. Give and take on time away, which may look selfish but couples alone time just is fucking hard as new parents.

Trick is to simmer it good with things like helping, innuendo, etc. And last but very much not least, she probably feels like the most unattractive person on the planet and it’s manifesting in ways easily interpreted as avoiding you. But it’s not wanting to disgust you. I know, I know.

This bit is tough and you kinda just have to wait it out. Lean on family if you can and try and get a few nights out together. The hardest bit about this phase is that you feel like it will never end but it does, even if it feels like ages. Ignore people who tell you this is the best bit, they’ve just got rose tinted glasses. But with each month that passes it gets less shit. Some people say it doesn’t start getting better until around six but that’s bollocks, even 1 year is ten time better than 1 month.

Some people love the baby phase but I hated it. Just remember that you don’t have to fix everything, they’ll grow out of most of the problems. Try to find other kids the same age to hang out with, that’s an easy win no matter how old they are.

9 months here. It gets better. IT GETS BETTER.

The first couple of months are hell. Make sure you and your girlfriend both get breaks when you can, and prioritise sleep. Celebrate the little things, because the only big things this month will be bags under eyes and bags of nappies. Call on family for support if you can. Invite friends over to meet the baby.

When she starts sleeping for longer periods your life will start to come back. You’re daddy forever now, though!

Hang in there buddy. You’re going through the worst part of it all, but this too will pass. You have the strength to power through. You got this.

Yep, I recognize some of what you are experiencing. You now have a new dimension to your relationship that you have to adjust to. 7 weeks is very new and things will change rapidly over the first 18 months. Things will get better. Schedules change . Babies eventually sleep through the night, take longer naps, etc. It might sound hokey, but consider scheduling whatever you are missing (sex, cuddles, heart to hearts) so she knows what you are thinking about and what you need. This works for us and it leads to less hurt feelings if I say "feel like sex tonight?". Even if she says "not tonight" then I know and don't get my feelings hurt later when I get shot down trying to initiate with no warning.

Is she pumping too or just only on the boob? If she's pumping then offer to bottle feed the midnight session so she can get some good unbroken rest. This was a game changer for us once we figured it out. Sleeping 5+ hours sleep is much different than getting woken up over and over.

Dad of 5 years here.

For the first few months to a year, you're running in emergency mode. As dad's, we have the easier, but more frustrating end of the stick. It does get easier with time (or at least more rewarding!)

Right now, your GF has 1 job, to look after your baby. Your job is to look after her. The most critical bit of that, however, is looking after yourself. It's impossible to be her rock, when your own foundations are eroding.

Care for her:

• Time out and time management. Right now, she is likely pouring all of herself into being mum, leaving nothing left for herself, let alone you. Your job is to keep her off tilt with this. Make sure you schedule time for her time, or at least down time. Also, make sure it's explicit about it. An unknown amount of downtime is FAR less valuable than a known amount.

• Take the baby out. Do for a 60 minute walk with the baby. Let your wife know what you doing, and how long you'll be out. This gives her time to do things like have a bath, or watch a whole show.

• Kick her out of the house. Ring her friends and coordinate a time they can go out. Don't leave it as a surprise, but do present it as a fait accompli.

• Sort food out. Right now, she is burning calories FAST, as well as being stripped of minerals and nutrients. Do some bulk cooking. Your goal should be to have enough stuff in the fridge/freezer that you can just grab and eat, on those days. Some ideas are cottage pie, Bolognese, chilli, or stews. All are easy to make in bulk, and keep well.

• Give explicit nights off. Often overlooked, but the broken sleep is a BIG deal. If she's exclusively breast feeding, this gets a lot harder. If your bottle, or mixed, it is doable. Often you will feel taking turns is the fairest option. This can just cook both of you. Instead focus on giving her a coherent night's sleep. Let her know that you are on dad duty, and she can sleep though/go back to sleep when they cry. (As an aside, pre measured containers of baby formula were a game changer for me. The measuring part was the part that most woke me up)

Care for yourself.

As mentioned above, you must not forget about yourself. This is the easier part, so long as you remember. Just apply the same bits above to yourself. A few hours out with friends, a full night sleep, and access to goo, low effort food makes it a LOT easier to keep an evening keel. This lets you be the rock she needs.

Also take time to bond with your baby. I loved baby wearing (via an elastic fabric wrap/sling). Even cleaning the house is a lot more pleasant with your bundle of love cuddled up to you chest. Also, baby smell is what crack cocaine is a pale imitation of. Spend time, either just the 2 of you, or all 3, but you on "dad duty". Apparently there's little sexier than a confident, capable man, just being a good dad. 🤷‍♂️ Particularly to an overworked mum.

Once you have this flow going, it gives your GF time to be more than just a milk cow. Once she has time and energy to be herself, she will start to have time and energy for you. This is where your 'village' shines. Schedule date nights. It might be once a month, when nanny has the minion, but it's something. Remind yourself why you love each other. The rest will flow from there.

As I said at the top, you're both in emergency mode right now. That's ok, you'll get through it. Your old normal is gone. But with a bit of effort, your new normal can be even better.