this post was submitted on 17 May 2024
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Food Crimes - Offenses against nutrition

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Welcome to Food Crimes! This community is here to collect all and any post about cursed food and generally unusual consumables.

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  1. Posts must include an image or video containing food or drink.
  2. It must be unusual or cursed in some way. a. For example, something like Doritos Milk would be unusual, but normal milk would not.
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[–] [email protected] 104 points 5 months ago (2 children)

It's about what I would expect from the kind of person who buys squeezy jelly.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I buy squeeze jelly because the campus-affiliated market that I have a meal plan for only sells jelly in squeeze bottles. Though it's nice how it saves a spoon, it's a bit of a pain to operate. Especially the grape flavor.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 5 months ago

Shake the everliving shit out of it beforehand. Get all your aggression out. And if it's still being ornery, squeeze from the wide side.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago (2 children)

A... A spoon? Why not use the knife you're using for the peanut butter?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago (10 children)

I guess I've always considered it poor form to let ingredient containers mix at all. The knife is already covered in peanut butter, so putting it in the jelly container would get a bit of peanut butter on the jelly, and that's no good for some reason.

Also because I find it way easier to scoop jelly with a spoon than a knife.

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago (2 children)

It's Welch's though which actually tastes good and IIRC is owned by a growers collective not a megacorp.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago (3 children)

Found this

National Grape Cooperative Association, a co-op of grape growers, since 1956

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[–] [email protected] 43 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (6 children)

GRAPE-jelly in a squeezy, ketchup-style plastic bottle mixed with plastic bottle peanut butter in a standard-issue IKEA bowl, only then applied between two non-wholegrain, untoasted toasts.

Can someone add a YEAH, a guitar, an eagle and the US-American flag as effects?

[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago (3 children)

Nope, that's not American traditional, and you can't put that concoction on us.

Also, it's really a stretch to call peanut butter "infamous sugar cream". It's got like 3g of sugar per 30g peanut butter. That's pretty close to just plain peanuts. It's not Nutella with it's 50% sugar content.
You avoid eating too much peanut butter because peanuts are basically little nuggets of oil with the minimum amount of fiber and protein required for them to be a solid.

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[–] [email protected] 38 points 5 months ago (4 children)

I put some peanut butter on each slice, to “waterproof” it before applying the jelly. That way, the bread doesn’t get soggy and gross.

That’s as advanced as I get with my PB&J engineering. Forget this mixing nonsense.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 5 months ago (3 children)

Just toast the bread a bit

[–] [email protected] 20 points 5 months ago (7 children)

I've found that gets rid of the gentle softness that I'm wanting out of a PBJ.

Grilled peanut butter sandwich is great though, but jelly demands soft and cold.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago (6 children)

I love a grilled PB+Banana. Like a grilled cheese, fried in butter. They're fantastic!

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I just eat it faster than it gets soggy

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[–] [email protected] 35 points 5 months ago (5 children)

Every day we stray further from jod.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 5 months ago

Choosey mons choose GIF

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[–] [email protected] 33 points 5 months ago (4 children)

My biggest problem is that bottle of supposed jelly.

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[–] [email protected] 26 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Wouldn't be surprised if it actually changed the flavour a bit.

That's one way to make the "secret sauce" for burgers. Just ketchup, yellow mustard, mayo and sometimes relish. Mixing them before adding to the burger changes the taste considerably.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 5 months ago (1 children)

My grandma used to mix the PB & J together for me when I was a kid because I didn't like peanut butter. I still kinda like it that way because it reminds me of her.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 5 months ago

That sounds like a completely acceptable reason to me! Grandmas are awesome!

[–] [email protected] 14 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (2 children)

This pic is some dystopic stuff. How can you eat those fake mixtures full of chemistry? Is this what people in USA eat? Even the bread looks like it would never spoil.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (4 children)

https://www.labeladvisor.com/showproduct/?id=31393&section=ingredients

The palm oil is a problem ecologically, but healthwise is actually pretty decent as far as common fats go.

The bread is a shame and there's a lot higher quality available, same with jelly, though the squeeze bottle is convenient.

This kinda bread goes bad in about a week if kept air tight, or a few hours if left out.

https://www.welchs.com/fruit-spreads/concord-grape-jelly/

The jelly is made with corn syrup, but otherwise doesn't contain "scary chemicals". It contains pectin, citric acid, and sodium citrate, which are completely natural things to be in jam or jelly. Pectin is traditionally boiled from apples, citric acid traditionally comes from lemons, sodium citrate is essentially just lemon juice and baking soda.

The only dystopian bits are the corn syrup and the scale these foods are made at. Calling them "fake mixtures full of chemistry" just makes it sound like you don't know that all food is chemistry.

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 5 months ago (8 children)

No one does this. The person who posted that was just trying to make trouble

[–] [email protected] 17 points 5 months ago (2 children)

My father did this when I was growing up all the time

[–] [email protected] 25 points 5 months ago

Yeah he did that right after he came back from getting some milk from the store.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago

Sounds like he wanted to start a fight.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago (1 children)

When we had field trips in early grade school, this is how they served the supplied PB&J's. I guess it kept the jelly from soaking into the bread while the sandwiches sat in a cooler for 4 hours.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago

Yup, it's better for when it's gonna be sitting

Source: I've eaten an ungodly amount of PBJs in my life

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I mix it in my mouth with the bread, like the good Lord intended!

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Smucker's Goober be like...

[–] [email protected] 17 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (1 children)

Some mechanical engineer went to a lot of effort to make that shit dispense into the jar in a stripey pattern instead of letting it mix.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

I did this when Smucker's "Goobers" first came out and my mom wouldn't buy it.

It's just a waste of time; doesn't affect the taste. It is however better than Goobers; it's super weird and almost plastic tasting. They did something to the jelly and use an almost candy-like peanut butter that makes it worse than the cheapest individual PB & J's. Absolutely hated it when I finally got to try it.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Never even considered the possibility of doing this.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago (2 children)

Not a crime. I used to mix peanut butter in my low fat, unflavored, Greek yogurt and then mix in jam. I did this after weight training as a high protein breakfast. The jam just added some flavor and sweetness.

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago (1 children)

If your jam comes in a bottle…

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago

I do this - it makes it taste better if you emulsify the jelly into the peanut butter. Qualitative differences ftw!

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago

Skip the jam and mix peanut butter with maple syrup. Works better on pancakes but in a pinch toast will do

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago

now sell it for 18 usd in a café

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago

When we were kids, my sister and I used to mix and microwave them

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