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https://global-tetrahedron.com/about
Hmm, I wonder why this shadowy organization sounds so... familiar?
https://www.google.com/search?q=site%3Atheonion.com+%22global+tetrahedron%22
I think it might be safe to file this one under "Good News." It sounds like everyone kept their jobs and the union is intact.
So The Onion makes up the fictional company name Global Tetrahedron, a real company uses the name, and then later buys The Onion.
It's all coming together.
FTA:
The Onion's owner said on Thursday that the satirical news site has been sold to a new Chicago-based firm created by four digital media veterans who are fans of the publication.
This is very good news!
God creates dinosaurs God destroys dinosaurs God creates Man Man destroys God Man creates dinosaurs -Dr. Ian Malcolm
Dinosaurs destroy man... women inherit the earth
— Dr. Ellie Sattler, ahem
She’s a world-renowned paleobotanist. Just because she’s a woman ^(and^ ^fictitious)^ doesn’t make her any less-deserving of a citation.
:P
Gotta appreciate all they do for our elderly community.
You unappreciative fuck! You only recall what they do for grandma and grandpa, and forget how well they support puppies, the less privileged, their Feeee-Male staff, and THE CHILDREN!!!
It sounds like it’s going to be great for The Onion! They’re bringing back ONN!
Oh, fuck, yeah! That shit was great!
For those who don’t want to click the link to Twitter:
Ben Collins:
NEWS: My friends and I now own and run The Onion. I’ll be the CEO.
We’re keeping the entire staff, bringing back The Onion News Network, and share the wealth with staff.
Basically, we’re going to let them do whatever they want. Get excited.
Edit: in honor of this news, I would like to share my very favorite The Onion article, and, IMHO, the best one ever written by them:
I taste cocaine when I read that
I taste cocaine every time I read that! It’s one of the defining elements of the article, and it’s not mentioned once. They capture it really well.
What exactly is left at G/O media now? Quartz and Gizmodo?
That's... a very good question, honestly.
Its remaining sites are Gizmodo, Jalopnik, Kotaku, The Root, The Inventory and Quartz.
What is up with The Root anyway? I get linked articles from them on occasion about some major civil rights issue and they seem well-written and thoughtful and then I go to their page to see what else they're writing about and it's all shit like 'Here's 10 things to know about yesterday when Cardi B called Lizzo a bitch.'
Ooooh so that's why all those sites went to shit...
I wish the tetrahedron could bring the AV Club back to its original glory as well, though I know all its best writers are long gone
The staff at The Onion, long known for publishing award-winning articles blowing open scandals from mysterious and shadowy global corporate giant Global Tetrahedron, today announced that the long-time subject of such articles as “Seven-Year-Old Enjoys Toxic Spill Evacuation”, “Song About Heroin Used To Advertise Bank”, and “Corporate-Welfare Recipients: Are They Eating Steak And Driving Cadillacs?” are now “the Awesomest Company on the Planet. Also, they just bought us.” Details of the deal are forthcoming, and details on this story will be updated as this story develops.
Too late. I'm already sterilized.