this post was submitted on 07 Feb 2024
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Public school. Everyone hated me, I never made any close friends, I was almost killed by my classmates more than once. One time I was pushed down the stairs another time I was shoved in front of an oncoming bus. I've become permanently depressed and have deep trust problems because of it. Years later when I was holding someone I loved in my arms as we fell asleep watching something together I realized that I felt happy for the first time in my life. Before then I had felt amused, vindicated, or excited but never happy. It's such a strange thing to realize that you've never been happy once in your entire life and had just never realized because you had no way to know what you were missing.
I relate to your feelings. In my twenties I took a small dose of mushrooms and had that same epiphany. It actually lasted for a few years and I was hopeful but then people still fucked with me. Now I'm back to being numb constantly. I hate when there's a school shooting or some kid whyling out and society actually has to ask why? Society creates the people it hates.