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Visiting my hometown and feeling a bit sad (lemmy.dbzer0.com)

submitted 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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So about 2 years ago, I moved away. Broken spirit broken person, over 3000 miles. However, yesterday I landed for my first visit back here. And I just feel weird. Like I'm not supposed to be here or something, it's very ominous. I constantly feel anxious.

The weirdest thing was seeing how my parents have started to age. And the woods where I used to hang out are all housing developments now. I'm currently sleeping on a mattress in my old room, aka the office now, surrounded by random shelving and printers and stuff. it's really a weird feeling in here too.

I don't know what I expected but I definitely don't feel like I'm "home". It's like some weird alternate dimension version of home. There's still some people I'm yet to see and I wonder how that's gonna go. So far everything already feels uncomfortably different. Alongside that, the rose tint has also come off and I have a lot of bad memories going through my head too instead of any sort of nostalgia. Almost like the different person I was back then is still lurking here somewhere watching me.

Anyone familiar with such a feeling, after being away for so long?

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 11 months ago

Hey dude, similar experience here.

I grew up a minority, and went to study abroad where my ethnicity is the majority, then stayed for work. People would assume I'm local by my appearance, and as long as I don't have to speak, I'm blending in. I visit home quite often, once in one or two years, but every time, the feeling of being an outsider grows. I haven't been contacting most of my friends for a while, and my personal values have changed. As you said, parents are ageing, streets are different, and the empty lots I used to play in have been built.

Even though I said I feel more welcome in my current residence, being a foreigner means some landlords don't let me rent their apartment, and some banking services aren't open for me. Can't buy properties either.

I feel like an outsider anywhere I go, and I come from a country with stupidly weak passport. Can't have multiple nationalities either.

But I'll visit home often, and spend more time with my family. Time flies and things change too quickly, it'll be good to celebrate what little we have.