I'm going to try and keep this clear and concise.
I'm not confident in my parenting. I don't feel like I've been a good parent, but I have done the best that I can with the tools and resources that I have.
My 18 y/o has lived with us since she was 4. My partner has been in my 18y/o's life since they were 13 months old.
18y/o is copy->paste of their deadbeat mother and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what I can do about it at this point.
I have tried to instill structure, while allowing wiggle room at times. I recognize that it's my job as the parent to draw hard lines and it's my kids job to push the boundaries and cross those lines.
18y/o is almost mute around us. Doesn't communicate much of anything beyond surface level 'pleasantries'. And it's more often than not, anything but pleasant. They (biological female) are diagnosed with ADHD, 'change disorder', anxiety and depression. I've done so much reading trying to figure out this person and how I can help, but nothing seems to help. Kid has never really be honest with therapists. Lies for no reason, and doubles down even when presented with irrefutable evidence that they've been caught. If I had to 'self-diagnose', they have ODD and are a sociopath, but I've seen how they behave around friends and peers. They only have disregard for us. Outside the home, they are a people pleaser. But if we suggest something, or ask for something to be done, it's a fight, every time.
They are a senior in high school, is a good student when there's nothing rocking their boat, but had steadily declining grades as the school year presses on. I have no idea what's going on in their life, everything is responded to with a random selection of the following list:
I don't know
I don't remember
I don't know how you want me to answer that
Do you want me to respond?
I don't see what the problem is.
I don't see how this is a big deal.
The current argument is regarding whether we should be expected to wake them up for school in the morning. I've already put my foot down about it, and since December 1st, they've already walked themselves to school twice because they overslept.
They are impossible to motivate. When things finally come to a head and an argument breaks out, which typically boils over because there can be no constructive conversation with someone who is either unable or unwilling to have a conversation. And only when the argument breaks out do we get any action on anything, and then it's an overcorrection. For example, we've been pushing for them to fill out scholarship applications for 8 months. We've had friends provide spreadsheets with links to what we collectively think are viable scholarships, for no action responses. Then when we finally get a break in the wall, they fill out scholarship applications for tens of thousands of dollars for enrollment in a school states away with misleading GPA information. We are not in a financial position to accommodate that kind of enrollment, even if we wanted to support the decision. It comes off as an "I'll show them" move.
Nevermind the drivers license thing. Can't get them to get off their ass and get their license. It's been a battle for 2 years. Something always goes wrong. Last time I pressed on it hard, we ended up in intensive outpatient therapy.
They're unmanageable and I don't know what to do for or with them. Our home is small, 800 sqft and it's a hell hole. My partner has almost left me twice over this kid's behavior over the years. Partner and kid do not get along at all at this point, and has lead to a false CPS report so my kid could try and move in with their crush's family.
There so much context missing but there's no time or room for 18 years of back story.
I don't know if there's a question here, but I need help or support, or something. Any stories or advice anyone cares to relay would be appreciated. I'm terrified that once this kid leaves, I'm never going to hear from them again. But I can't control that, and I recognize it.
Thanks for reading.
It honestly sounds like you could cut the tension in your house with a knife.
Y’all need to chill. You both need individual therapy so you can both figure out a constructive way to unpack your relationship and essentially fight a proxy war between your two therapists.
Moreover, you two need serious, positive, parent/offspring bonding. You need to realize that your kid doesn’t feel welcome in your house or around you. They feel trapped because they have no other option. This is a highly stressful situation. It’s met with tension and panic and fight/flight/freeze. This is plain as day to see if you step back and breathe for a moment. Figure out something you two can enjoy where there’s little outside responsibility and maybe the two of you can share a smile. It sounds like you desperately need that.
Trust me, I try. Constantly reaching out. Never reciprocal. Sporting events, concerts, breakfast, we're doing something every week, teen is always included in the conversation, always "no". We haven't had game night in years because I gave up trying to get them to join us.
Join kid. What does kid like to do? Can you go along to it?
Kid is clearly not part of "we". Kid needs to be part of "we". Otherwise, for all the lip service you are doing about how you are reaching out, you've othered kid.
Your kid really sounds a lot like I did at that age. Reclusive (that may come across as lazy), hotheaded, etc. If you hadn’t already, I implore you to read my response to another commenter giving a story on how that played out.
This sounds like depression on top of all else. I wouldn’t take the reclusiveness personally. Shutting you out like that is them metaphorically curling up into a ball and shutting off the outside world.
It’s funny because I was just thinking about that point in my life, when I was going through depression. It’s obvious to me, looking back, but hindsight is 20:20.
I thought about this, because my nephews dad has stage iv cancer, and I worry about him and what he’ll do without his dad around (I never personally cared for the dad, I wish him well and got no ill will towards him, we just never clicked, but the nephews a good kid and a blank slate who got handed shitty parents with money who try to use the money to make up for being shitty people….but I digress).
Anyways, final stop on the thought train…I started wishing that I had some sort of adult mentor/life-coach/confidant…someone with wisdom, who is open minded, and most importantly not my parents. Essentially a therapist but in a much more casual level. Like Tommy Chong in That 70s Show. A second dad. I feel like uncles are supposed to fill that role but it could really be my trusted mature adult they have a close relationship with.
Somebody like that would have been so helpful in dealing with all the pressures that went along with being a teenager (and I’m sure it’s actually a million times worse now, with social media and being always on and hustle-culture and a quite uncertain environmental and political future (and that, for your kid, probably even worse being LGBTQ), on tops of just getting through school. There were a million things I needed guidance on but just could not talk to (gasp) my parents about. We just didn’t have that kind of relationship, and I had nowhere to go.
Does your kid have anybody like that? Because it sounds like they desperately need someone older and wiser to speak candidly about their life with, and they aren’t seeing you as that person. And don’t take that personally. I’m sure you had plenty of things you needed to talk to an adult about when you were growing up, but wouldn’t dare think of asking your parents, too.
Aside from that…the bonding activities that you suggested…are these things that they enjoy? If there’s depression then they may not want to be out eating in public with their dad. Let alone being in a large crowd (especially if they are neurodivergent and can get overstimulated easily like at a concert).
Thinking critically if you’ve shared these events in the past, did they really enjoy it? Or were they trying to make you happy, or did they feel obligated (and now, being older, they maybe now feel a bit more confident in saying no).
How’s the weather where you are? Maybe a nice walk or a bike ride. Something quiet. Calm. Casual. Where there’s privacy enough for a good conversation but still not feeling totally isolated with you. And as corny as it sounds, light exercise is really, really good for depression. Something about sunlight and fresh air that just does your mind good.
I read it while waking up this morning, I want to revisit this whole thread over the weekend. I'm burned out on this whole situation at the moment. I was looking for a little support and outside perspective with this thread, especially since I recognize that I'm too close to the situation at this point. I appreciate the attention you've given each of my comments. I don't claim to be right about any of this, I recognize that I am not the greatest parent, I didn't have great role models and have largely been left to figure it out. My teen was born when I was 23, so it's been a learning experience, to say the least.
Teen was diagnosed with anxiety and depression years ago, hence the constant therapy. Getting them to take their meds with regularity has always been a struggle. I absolutely recognize that these are depressive spirals. But I can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. But I also recognize that is a paradoxical statement. In a depressive spiral or a manic episode, it's not that a person is unwilling, it's that they're unable. Like, none of this is lost on me. I'm lost about can be done about it. Professionals have told me "Nothing. They have to hit rock bottom." My comments about ODD and ASPD are strictly from the angle of it being impossible for me to do anything to help, because my teen goes out of the way to actively resist anything that comes from my partner or I. It's so bad that recently my teen had a revelation about something that I had already suggested to them 2 weeks prior, because it came from a teacher they respect. I asked them what changed their mind and they "didn't remember" that I suggested it. It was a hot button issue that they got heated over when I suggested it.
I have been suggesting for some time now that perhaps they need to consider a new therapist for exactly this reason. They have a great connection with a couple of teachers that I work with one on one professionally, so I know there's a least some connection there, and I'm greatful for that. I have concerns regarding how we're perceived, but at this point, it is what it is. I know my truth.
I have put it out there for them to suggest activities. I'm (really) an easy person to get along with. I can find something redeeming in most activities. The ND stuff is a little tricky for me because I can get behind not going to a punk rock show, but I've been in the area of a show they went to with friends and it was rowdier than some of the bands I've seen. But it's their scene vs. my scene, and I get that. Video games are a big one, however infrequently they suggest one, I always take the opportunity. We have a collection of tabletop games as well as couch co-op PC games (like seriously dozens. We're the party entertainment in our family). They tell me they want to play more VR games, and I've made myself available at a whim to set it up and get it going. But I'm not going to badger them to play. As for restaurants, we have a rolling schedule, every weekend, diner for breakfast, Saturday 10:30. They are always invited, the plan is always confirmed the evening before, and every Friday night, we get "Yeah I'll be up in time" and every Saturday morning, it's hours of oversleeping. It's been as late as 1:30 in the afternoon before my partner says "fuck it, I'm not waiting any longer" before starting her cleaning routine to the attitude we receive for waking them up.
No idea. There have been times where it feels overtly obvious that they're just forcing it. I've mentioned that they seem distracted, and if they had somewhere else they'd rather be/something else they'd rather be doing and that they were free to go do those things and we could raincheck, they have gotten defensive and belligerent with me about it. And when I have said that "hanging out right now just feels forced" they have broken down into tears and said that they didn't feel that way. Obviously I apologized, but it's just crazy to me how I'm expected to know what's going on in their head when they're unwilling to communicate in any way.
It's like no matter what, I'm always wrong, and fuck me for even trying. It's kind of why I feel like I've landed on this plateau of "whatever". I feel like I'm extending an olive branch only to have it smacked away by a torch and I'm running out of branches.
We used to go for walks a lot. It's a trigger fest because when they were younger, we constantly had to remind them to hit the bathroom before hand, for a fight to break out "I don't have to pee", we'd say "try", it would turn into a shouting match. We go on a walk, only for them to pee themselves. At 13. Road trips were similar, 1 hour drive to get to family around the holidays, same argument, same result. We have struggled with some form of difficulty since they were five. My comments have largely been misconstrued because I failed to relay information well enough in some of my other comments here. That's on me, and I'll own it.
You seem to be in a better space now reading your more recent comments. I’m hoping that means you’ve taken the opportunity to breathe and look at the big picture, holistically and objectively.
It sounds like you honestly want to be a present and positive influence in your kids life. That’s great. The problem now is that your kid isn’t very receptive to it.
From what I see, that’s a combination of normal teenagerdumb, plus some added neurodivergency, depression, and being LGBTQ in a world that sends a lot of mixed messages as to whether or not it’s ready to accept them. Thats tough. You have my deepest sympathies.
The wetting on walks or going out is exactly what my therapist has forwarned me about if we’re not able to get past our potty training regressions. Turns out anal retentive behavior in toddlerhood, if not worked out actually works out to poor personality traits in adulthood. And, it turns out anal retentive behavior can be a lot to do with how potty training was even handled. It can easily lead to a power struggle, holding until discomfort, or even holding till constipation pushes on the bladder and they can’t help but pee right now.
So, maybe, if you want to blame your ex for something, you can blame her for that.
Don’t forget that there is another option. You leave them alone and let them work things out on their own. Be present and supportive, let them know that you’re there for them, and give them space and time and comfort to sort it out themselves. If this is the path you go on, it’s critical that you mind your attitude, especially around them. You don’t want to do anything to give them the perception that they are unwelcome. Calling doing so a triggerfest would be a bad thing. It’s imperative to realize that they are in a dark spot. They need help but at the same time want to be left alone. They are getting torn apart from the inside at several levels. Any reaction they give is just that…a reaction. For a depressed person, the person they present to the world is a shell of themselves running on autopilot. There’s a ton going on below the surface and that’s where all their focus is, and they just want you to get away from it, because your presence is harming their recovery.
If you haven’t experienced depression before, congratulations.
Though it sounds like you may be even starting to. Constantly fighting battles to end in a stalemate at best every time is a good way to get there. It’s bad enough you two are feeding off each other, it’ll be worse when you’re both in the pits of it.
Hard work fine, and hard work good…but first take care of head.