this post was submitted on 06 Aug 2023
829 points (97.4% liked)

Not The Onion

11929 readers
2 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
 

I guess this could just as easily be posted in an anti-work community

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] [email protected] 296 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (5 children)

I can't think of a worse marketing strategy for a company that relies on remote work to remain relevant. This would be like if General Motors forced every employee within 50 miles of an assembly plant to ride a bike to work.

[–] [email protected] 101 points 1 year ago

We make remote work viable.

NOT FOR US THO LMAO

[–] [email protected] 70 points 1 year ago (6 children)

These are fun. For any other CEOs reading along, here's your new policy/advertisement:

  • Furniture Row could convert every employee workstation to standing only.
  • Starbucks could require every staff member to go caffeine free.
  • Underarmor could set a black tie dress code for all employees.
  • Master lock could shut down their staff gym citing uncontrolled theft from lockers.
  • Grayhound could ban employees from traveling together to events.
  • General Mills could establish a rewards program for employees who participate in a daily morning fast until lunchtime.
  • Atlassian and Salseforce could shift their internal help desks to in-person only with 100% paper records.
  • Peterbilt could start an incentive program that reimburses staff for buying local.
[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)
  • Microsoft could require Macs for all employees.

  • Xfinity could only offer dialup at their offices.

  • Dairy Queen could only hire diabetics.

  • The cafeteria at Purdue Farms headquarters could be all-vegan.

  • Barnes and Noble staff must have a library card and check out books regularly.

  • Amazon delivery drivers must have their license suspended.

  • Bed, Bath and Beyond could require their floor staff to only come in if they haven't showered.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

Didn’t BBB go under, close all their stores, and sell their name to overstock.com?

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

Starbucks bans coffee in its offices, cites study saying its bad for your health. Stocks herbal tea instead.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

IKEA now only buy from furniture row.

Boeing ban employees from taking aircraft, citing safety concerns with their aircraft.

USPS require all packages be delivered by courier - I can actually see that one happening

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

Atlassian and Salseforce could shift their internal help desks to in-person only with 100% paper records.

That would probably be an improvement for Salesforce. I truly hate their software. It's god awful.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

That Master Lock one seems entirely plausible.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I like the way you think.

[–] GregoryTheGreat 39 points 1 year ago

That is hilarious

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

I don't think that Zoom specifically advocates for companies to end work in the office.

Like, say you work for Coca-Cola. Their company health plan probably does not encourage people to drink nothing but Coca-Cola, even if they do make it available in the office.