this post was submitted on 02 Apr 2025
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You can't just say that and not provide the rest of the story. Do you have the transcript still? Because either you're lying or this is the wildest thing ever. Either way I think we'd want to see.
Sure, I'll give more details.
I matched with her on Tinder and waited a few hours and she messaged me first, and not something generic but something about my profile. We started chatting over text and I suggested a short first "piano practice" date in a few days (we both play piano).
The next day we had a 2+ hour call where we played video games (Fortnite, don't judge, I don't play that unless I play with someone else) together and just chatted. Everything was going great.
The following days she was sending me super flirty texts ("my skirt will distract you", and suggestive stuff about touching each other all over). I've never gotten texts like this in my life so I was slightly reserved but still flirty.
The date went well, we both got along with each other and we sat real close to each other. I even gave her a flower, and she told me that made her feel so special. There was one point where our faces were close to each other and she might have wanted a kiss, but I chickened our and just hugged her.
We planned a 2nd date as a movie date at my place. All the while we were feverently texting each other lots of things, from platonic to romantic to sexually suggestive. We even had a call meant to be a half hour but it lasted 1.5 hours. It reached a boiling point where we agreed on an "inter-date" study session the day before Valentine's Day.
It was just about half an hour and we were both trying to get work done in a very public place so I wasn't touchy at all. She also brought up more somber topics like politics (we have the same political views for the most part). At the end, because Valentine's Day was near, I asked her to be my Valentine (as per the suggestion of a female friend) and got an unenthusiastic "sure."
10 minutes later she texted that "we'd be better off as friends than a couple" because there was "no romantic physical chemistry" and cancelled the 2nd date.
I really wanted to explain that I had little experience and that the 2nd date was where the "action" would truly begin. By this point I had developed a huge crush on her and my heart was broken. She really was just my type: nerdy, ambitious, and beautiful. Heck, I'm crying as I write this right now.
Hey there, I'm glad you wrote more in detail and are willing to analyze and process these things. When I read your first comment Wednesday it made me finally make a lemmy account because I wanted to say something supportive but helpful, but I never got around to it.
Your experience with this person really shows that you understand the things that can help you in finding a partner, but just need more "practice" and more being yourself.
Being "your authentic self" is important, and perhaps you were trying too hard to be flirtatious and sexy on the phone/text, and when she met you in person and you weren't able to back that up, she may have lost that connection. If you had been less flirtatious and more up front about your experience, maybe she would have a different perspective on who you really were.
It sounds like you're on the right track. It's lame but if you can follow a pattern with your experiences in person it can help. First date = coffee shop or bar. If it's going well get ice cream or do something else at a different place. If you aren't feeling it, call it a day. Mark Manson wrote that if you can take them to multiple places in one day it is almost like having multiple dates. Second date = dinner and something interesting. Third date = invite them over or plan a way to get them into a bed... if she wants you that's the best time to do make it happen.
Women also like some suspense. Don't force them to decide on the relationship too soon. "Will you be my valentine sounds like a "I want to define the relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend". She may have been dating around and wasn't ready for that, but might have been willing to be more casual. Just assume she'd be up for that and plan something and ask her.
Also, when you do get them into bed, my personal tip is don't rush to the sex unless they are clearly trying to. If you can make her come (read about that kind of stuff), before you even get to the penetration, she'll be satisfied even if you have no idea how to get it in.
Source: 39, married a tinder date from 8 years ago, virgin until 22, first dates of various qualities in my life.
My best guess is that she wanted things to be slow emotionally and has baggage associated with Valentine's day.
Which is why if I had one moment to change my decision on, it would 100% be this. I f*cked up big-time, and it cost me my heart and lots of hot make out sessions for a stupid lesson.
Dude, you couldn't have known. I know it's hard, but you shouldn't dwell on it
You did everything right, it just wasn't the right time or the right person. You're not to blame at all - if it was an issue on her side, she should have talked about it instead of coldly friendzoning you
Just to be clear, I asked my wife what she thought, and she thinks the same thing
Thank you so much for your advice! With how little experience I have, it is really tough to not trigger a mine in the dating minefield.
Stop overthinking it. Unless there really is some additional context you're not sharing (not accusing you of that, but I try to be skeptical with tales like these, AITA posts broke me lol) then I don't think you've done anything wrong. Some people just have landmines. Sometimes they know about them, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they realize it was stepped on, sometimes they don't.
Even if it wasn't that and she only wanted a passionate fling and you wanted something lasting, this would've happened eventually. It's hard, but try to remember the fun for what it was and don't overthink this. Self reflection is important, no doubt, but this doesn't seem like the time.