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this post was submitted on 22 Dec 2024
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Asklemmy
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The biggest mistake I see is that people don't ever mix with people anymore.
Honestly the biggest single question I would ask if I wanted to bet how likely someone gets a partner would be "how often do you leave your house outside of work and grocery shopping" Do stuff. Dating apps try to bring single folk to you but you'll have far more fun just... doing stuff. Doesn't matter if you go alone or with a group, it's usually more fun than just browsing the internet.
Go to a car show, go to an anime/scifi/star trek/furry convention, go to a craft fair, go to a bar and sit at the counter, find some way to have fun in public. Don't even bother trying to hunt down a partner, just have fun in a public setting. If you find ways to have fun in public, you start going out in public more. You do that, you start meeting potential partners by accident. Not only that:
Being surrounded by strangers means you can do a faux pas and nobody will remember it was you a week from now. They're strangers, they remember the story but not the person. A group of strangers can be oddly freeing, you can say no to them and never see them again. If they judge you you'll probably never see them again.
I learned Minneapolis has a fire breathing co-op so you can learn to juggle flames, a 501st legion of starwars cosplayers that can bring the empire to any event, a working ecto 1 that sometimes prowls the streets and has a youtube series.
Did you click the links? You see what I mean? Now this is an interesting post. You now have things to talk about, about the land around you to whoever you're talking to. It also provides two really great topics to talk about. "what have you found around here?" "what have I found around here?" Is there another event? A club or bar that is just bizarre? A sport or game you've never heard of. Apparently Minnesota's roller derby team is amazing, still haven't found the time to watch a game, but if you can find one, why not try there?
Seriously just... do something. Find an event. If you think it's stupid then try to verify if it's stupid. (never was interested in cars, but it was free. Turns out the car show had the ecto 1, and the adam west batmobile. My hypothesis was proven wrong) Instead of scrolling through lemmy or facebook, wander around an event and watch and listen. If you see a booth, ask about it.
I found that I could keep things interesting to me by basically playing a scavenger hunt with events. Go to an event and find your next event at the event you're at. An event can be anything from a party, a convention, to a place that's just plain interesting. It also really got people interested. Whenever I brought up my quest "find an event at this event", people loved the idea and would often try to help. Heck, sometimes they'd even tag along at the next one.
I think your assessment of the issue is accurate. People don't go out and do things like they did before the pre cellphone and internet age.
But for me...for the life of me if I go out and do stuff on my own, I cannot interact with strangers. It's uncomfortable, unpleasant, and I don't get anything out of it. I don't know how that's supposed to magically swing the other direction.
Hell, even with people I like and know well... interacting with them outside of our "normal" routine is uncomfortable and unpleasant for me. Over the years, I've befriended someone at work and feel comfortable there. But for the life of me, I cannot gain the same level of comfort and satisfaction hanging out outside of work.
I've had a sister in law for years and years now. Despite this, I do not have the inability to interact with her. It is uncomfortable, unlessant, and I do not get anything out of it. It's not her fault...she's a very nice person. But I just absolutely cannot ever gain comfort around people in certain (read: many) types of scenarios. I am comfortable around my parents and that's it. No matter how often I spend with other people.
Exposing myself repeatedly to these scenarios has not ever helped or made any sort of difference.
I would always suggest never force yourself to interact with people. I'm just saying be adjacent. You don't have to force yourself to interact with people. Just at least be around them.
Forcing yourself to interact with a person for no other reason than interaction is ALWAYS awkward. It takes skill to plow through the awkwardness. Speed dating, speed friending, date auctions, are always awkward for this reason. Small talk can be difficult but if you treat someone more like google asking a question you actually care about. It's a lot less awkward. People like to be experts, and treated as such.
It's why I say just, wander. It's alright not speaking to anybody for hours at an event. Walk through it like you would a forest. Take in the sights and sounds. Try to find something truly interesting.
I'll give an exception here, I'm an extrovert with social anxiety and I benefitted immensely from making myself do things and talk to people.
I go out and do stuff for me. I'm perfectly comfortable with wandering around and looking at things without ever interacting with everyone besides thanking the person behind the register after buying something. I've had social anxiety for so long that it's become a normal thing for me now to not expect any interaction with anyone. And, because of this, no one wants to talk to the quiet person who is scared to look at you in the eye. They might think I'm just being rude or something but in reality I'm avoiding a potential interaction that scares me. So, speaking to what this person said about going out and doing stuff I can relate. Going out in public doesn't necessarily mean you'll interact with people. You can be alone even when surrounded by people.
I can relate to this. Several times I have forced myself to go out and mix with people only to be back again in home and think that I got nothing positive from the experience, sometimes neither a good time during the process. Right now I think that Im transitioning to the acceptance that I just don't like people and I want to be by myself.
Booze and Prozac helped me
This is awesome, I think I'd add to this:
Ask questions. Strike up conversations. Listen attentively. Be genuinely curious about people and ask about their lives. Do this to people of all genders, whether you're attracted to them or not.