this post was submitted on 22 Jul 2023
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I'm sorry that happened to you. It sucks, and I'm not going to say it doesn't.
At the end of the day, you lost something you cared about, whether it was the feeling, the person, or simply a companion, it's still a loss and your feelings are valid here.
I agree with others that you probably dodged a bullet. That doesn't make any of this okay, but I'll say this, would you want to stay with someone who gives up so easily on your relationship?
While finding someone you care about is difficult, and I won't diminish that challenge, it does happen, and as rare as it was to find this one, there will be others. It might not be soon, but it will happen. The fact is, as much as you may have wanted this to work out, it did not. You cannot force them to want to have a relationship with you.
Things will suck, and continue to suck for a while, unfortunately there's no quick fix for this pain; you can rationalize it, as I have started to here, and all of those arguments might be true and accurate, but that doesn't make it hurt less. Feelings are not rational. You can't argue yourself into feeling better, you'll just make yourself feel guilty for not feeling better sooner. Additional feelings of guilt will only make your healing process more difficult.
Remember: "The best revenge is living well". Whenever you get to the point of bitterness about it, remember that.
I know you have a lot to do, but remember to take care of yourself, it will be difficult for you to be productive if you're struggling with your emotional state, so take care of yourself.
Your words are so compassionate and matter-of-fact at the same time, and I think that's just what I needed. It's truly appreciated, thank you <3
It's my pleasure. I have been there and I empathize. Everything I've said is all the things I believe and live by. I'm one of those people that wants to be helpful and productive, so not being productive is somewhat foreign to me, but I've also been heartbroken, burned out, and tired beyond what is reasonable, to the point of being incapable of helping anyone or being productive, so I get it.
I'm going through burnout right now, and I'm mentally incapable of being productive most of the time and when I can get something done, it's a fat cry from the amount I'd like to be productive, or how much I'm normally able to do, and I'm struggling. My challenge is different than yours, and, at the risk of sounding like I'm bragging (I definitely do not intend to brag), I'm lucky to have found someone who supports me, loves me, and has been with me throughout the process. My point there is that I'm very specific about the people I care about and let into my life. It took me nearly 20 years of searching before I found my SO, so don't give up. I've had a lot of one-off "flings" and less-than year long relationships in three pursuit of a suitable life partner, and it was hard; but in the end, it paid off.
Don't give up. Don't settle, and don't sweat the small stuff. Decide what factors are important to you in a person, which ones demonstrate a character that you appreciate and will be compatible with, and continue your search when you are ready to do so. I had extensive criteria before getting into this relationship and my partner easily, without knowing it, and without effort, demonstrated every trait I was looking for, without my having to "test" them in any way, and without me having to ask any questions. They showed me who they are and I saw that they were far and above the minimum standard I set for someone to be my partner. It's important to have them live up to your expectations, not just for you to live up to theirs. Be fair, find compromise, but never settle.
The best advice I can give you for your future search, when you are ready for it, is that it's more important to agree on principles, than it is to have shared interests. To demonstrate this from an easy example, if one individual in a relationship likes nice things, but the other is very thrifty and buys whatever is inexpensive, often ending up with a Hodge Podge of mismatched things (but they were a bargain).... Then that relationship is doomed from the get go. Anytime the person who likes nice things buys anything, the thrifty one will question why they spent so much, and anytime the thrifty one brings home an absolute bargain, the one that likes nice things, will be appalled at how "cheap" it is, this will serve to breed resentment and essentially sabotage the relationship in the long run. Everything from political beliefs, religion, frugalness, generosity.... Among so many others, all dictate our decisions and actions. If you can find someone riding the same train of logic and reason as you are, you're set, regardless of your jobs, or personal interests.